Back-To-School 2013 // Click (twice) to enlarge

Over the years, and especially since Unbaby.me came along, more parents have tried to limit the number of pictures they post of their kids on Facebook. I’ve had friends post baby pictures with captions like “Last one!” or with disclaimers like “Warning: Huge family vacation album!” that sound almost apologetic. And yet, despite the anxiety some parents now feel about posting “too many” kid pictures online, the one picture no parent feels guilty posting is the First Day Of School Picture (or FDOSP). While the overall number of kid photos being posted on Facebook has probably gone down, the chances of parents posting at least one FDOSP have gone wayyy up.

Personally, I don’t mind back-to-school pictures. I “Like” my friends’ updates, and I enjoy seeing pictures of their kids with their oversized backpacks and cute outfits. But there’s no question you could turn the month of August into a back-to-school pics drinking game. Mondays (like today) are big FDOSP days on Facebook, although any day after August 7th is a day that kids who are in the same school district will appear in your newsfeed, standing on lawns or driveways or next to idling minivans. It’s likely those FDOSPs that inspired Jamie’s status update, even though she’s pregnant right now herself, because what parent with toddler-aged kids or older isn’t talking about back-to-school on Facebook right now?

Still, Jamie’s tongue-in-cheek joke flew over the heads of *15* of her friends, none of whom considered just how little she (or anyone) is interested in such details. Do people care that their friends’ kids started a new school year? Sure, but only as much as anyone cares that a friend got a work promotion or bought a new house. It’s great information, no doubt, and it’s a milestone for parents and children, but not so much so that Jamie’s update should be interpreted as sincere. Only Tiana got the joke. Everyone else needs a lesson in Sarcasm 101. Especially Kimberly.

Related: Bourbon and Cigarettes and Days of School

Last week on Mommyish, my back-to-school column was more cheerful than usual. In past years, I’ve highlighted sanctimommies and mommyjackers (as well as noting the ridiculousness of locker chandeliers and bitches who complain about "buying school supplies for children whose parents are on welfare"), but this year I toasted to the new academic year with Gold Star-worthy parents who are supremely excited that school is finally back in session.

So in that spirit, this post is a back-to-school celebration of kids’ drawings and schoolwork. We’ve been charmed before by the likes of Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong, and we were impressed with Porn Gravy, but this post is a veritable gallery of self-expression. The following kids have a real future ahead of them. Doing what, I don’t know, but I enjoy their work.

1. Caillou Coloring Book

Remember that Caillou post I put up a while back? Parents were pissed off that old episodes of the kids show Caillou were being billed as “new,” especially since the earlier seasons of the show were so whiny and annoying? Well, now we have confirmation that at least one kid feels the same way:

This kid is like the Banksy of the coloring book scene. I don’t think Pink should bother disciplining him. When something sucks, it sucks. He’s early to question authority, so she must be raising him right. I would absolutely consider hanging this work of art in my home.

2. The Little Merman

This drawing is clearly an exploration of Disney and gender. Jason and Jenna’s daughter has a gift for bringing this important issue to the surface with her simple and childlike art. By drawing Ariel’s tail to look like a massivepenis, this piece screams “non-comformity” while sending a strong message to Disney executives that children will not be manipulated by heteronormative cartoons. No, they will not.

3. Future Architect?

There’s nothing I could say that would top this comment thread. I want to high-five all of these people and award them each a Penis Joke Trophy. That is one hell of a building Hazel drew. Very…muscular.

4. Sophisticated Gerbil Art

This picture rules. I don’t think I could even conceive of it without being on a combination of drugs, nor could I draw it without starting over at least 25 times. I also love the background: a gerbil’s lair of both pleasures (water) and defeat (exercise equipment). Not to mention, it’s an A+ gerbil sling. When does the inspiring movie version of this tale come out??

5. Slight Letter Confusion

Usually when someone says, “This is way too funny!!!!” you can expect whatever it is not to be funny at all. But this time, it’s actually very funny and so much more…

ZING! Yep, Marina’s kid totally went there, and by doing so managed to write one of the single funniest captions I’ve ever read on an illustration. The smiles on those hand-drawn faces seem so innocent, don’t they? 

6. B is for Beverage

This submission is from 2011, but as far as I’m concerned, it’s timeless. I’m not really sure who has some explaining to do here — Kendra or her kid — but for now, I’m a fan of them both.

Hey now, teachers don’t give out those Super! stickers like they’re candy, okay? Zoe’s answer happens to be very mature for her age. Plus, it’s a total fluke, which is partly what makes it funny. Zoe doesn’t really know what vodka is, and it’s not like this type of letter association outcome would happen at school again. She’s a child, for god’s sake, not a boozehound. 

It’s been a year and a half since Zoe came up with these alcohol-themed instructional lessons, and I have to wonder what her preferred drink is now? She’s seven or eight years old, so I’m thinking she’s probably entering her ‘H is for Hunch Punch’ phase, to be followed closely by her Jägerbomb phase. There are 26 letters in the alphabet, and by the time Zoe is done drink-associating them all, she will be both a qualified artist and a savvy beverage director. Hopefully she’ll offer some affordable letter prints on Etsy. I want to collect them all.

For more back-to-school Gold Star submissions, in which a mother joyfully calls her children “the little inmates,” check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

If I had to pick one subject that’s emblematic of STFU, Parents, it would probably be mommyjacking. Nothing makes a person want to shatter a windshield more than a good mommyjacking round-up, especially when the examples surround people who are childfree. We’ve examined this phenomenon before with posts like "Have a Kid!" and "Wait ‘Til You Have Kids," yet parents continue to bully, patronize, and generally annoy the living shit out of their “friends” by making weird parenting-related comments at the dumbest and/or worst of times.

This much is clear not just in my inbox, but on newsstands, too. Take a look at the TIME magazine cover story "The Childfree Life," which inspired a lot of conversation online as well as my new Mommyish column and this post. The media will never stop comparing childfree/childless people and parents — something I can personally attest to— even though the subject is suuuper boring, and it’s still as irritating as ever (if not more so) when parents condescend to their friends just for not having kids. What’s the point? Can’t we all just get along?? Let’s check out some more examples of parents mommyjacking their selfish, clueless, and unimpressive non-parent friends:

1. Congratulations, You Don’t Know Shit

It’s taken a few years, but Zoey’s comment might trump this mommyjacking in its display of earnest assholishness, which is a real feat. Congratulations on being the yin to Kara’s yang, Zoey. The world stays balanced because of people like you. 

2. Nursejacking

Adrienne’s cryptic-sounding status update isn’t so cryptic to her Facebook friends, who know she’s been working toward becoming a nurse for some time now. That said, becoming a nurse can’t really compare to becoming a mom, PLUS nurses get paid! What kind of BS is that? Pay nurses for knowing how to treat a stab wound to the trachea, but don’t pay moms for doing almost the exact same thing? That’s called discrimination.

3. The Dog/Baby Void

Oh, dog people. When will they ever learn that you can never fill a baby void with dogs. German Shepherds, English Bulldogs, pitbull-Jack Russell-terrier mutts…the list goes on and on. You can try to fit as many as 100 beautiful rescue pups into that baby-shaped void, but NOTHING will fill it like a human baby. It’s like trying to fit a St. Bernard into a Baby Bjorn. Not gonna happen.

4. Sun-kiss That Tan Goodbye

Aww, you got engaged and your so tan! Really adorable considering you have no idea what will happen once kids enter the picture..LOL hope you had fun with THAT. Ask yourself one question: Have you ever met a mother whose tan is even? LOL that’s what I thought!! Sucker. Just wait. :)

5. “Enjoy those day’s”

I’m considering staging an Apostrophe Intervention because my eye’s are so tired of reading plural word’s with apostrophe’s. For the love of god, if you’re going to mommyjack, do it with some class. Or, here’s a thought: Don’t do it at all, because it leads to comment threads like this one. First, Red pops in with the old, “Holy shit, NOON???”, which I can actually understand from a (non-parent) parent’s perspective. From there, however, it goes from patronizing “doll day’s” to “Ugh. Ditto on the kids.” which is *kind of* another way of saying, “Bitch, please.”

Ultimately, sleep is a parent vs. non-parent battle that will never be won. As much as it sucks that parent’s parents never get to sleep in, it’s also sucky to begrudge a friend who doesn’t have kids for doing so. Don’t hate the sleeper, hate the nap. Or the wailing child who’s keeping you up. You know what I mean.

Don’t forget to check out my new column 'How Not To Mommyjack Your Childfriend Friends' over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Monday was Labor Day, which is a holiday that honors the labor movement and is "dedicated to the social and economic achievements of workers." But, as we’ve learned before, many people and websites falsely extend the significance of the day to mothers who have “labored,” thereby annoying those of us who understand the difference between "Mother’s Day" and “Labor Day,” as well as potentially upsetting the thousands of women who didn’t physically carry their children.

The sentiment is supposed to be cheeky and heartfelt — “Don’t forget to thank your mom for “laboring” this Labor Day!” — but the fact is, this continued pattern is stupid, pointless, and a shoddy way of collecting site clicks or appearing like an informed individual. It’s also an invitation for people to echo the tried and true "Moms NEVER get a day off!"gripe, and well, that doesn’t make much sense, either. What is a “day off,” anyway? A day in which a parent doesn’t feed and clothe her children? I guess if that’s your definition, moms “never get a day off,” but why is the expression exclusive to moms? Do dads get days off, but moms don’t? One day, I will get to the bottom of this painfully boring subject. Until then, let’s check out some of the aforementioned “Labor” Day tweets, brought to you by some well-intentioned people (and questionable web marketing strategies) who should probably just focus on the “labor” of workers the next time around.

1. #NoDaysOff #Hashtags #NeedlesInMyEyeballs

Moms, you may have thought “Labor Day” was a day off from the daily grind, but NOPE, it wasn’t, because Momsmom’smomsnevergetthe dayoff! Forget about washing your hair, reading a little “Fifty Shades,” and putting on that CD with the whale calls you like so much. You’re a MOM! #workworkwork #keepscrubbing 

2. Story Hour

Moms! It’s Labor Day! Get jiggy with it and relay a totes zany story about that time you delivered a baby. Like, did that ish take forever or what? Labor is a roller coaster ride-and-a-half and if you’re a mom then you know what I’m talking about! 

3. Puttin’ in the ‘labor’ 

ZING! TodayMoms knows wsup — and by “knows wsup” I mean “knows how to generate some cheap clicks on a national holiday by milking the holiday’s name for everything it’s worth.” I wonder how long the editorial team “labored” over running this post? My guess is however long it takes to consume 4% of a latte.

4. HARD WORK

It sure is nice of the government to formally recognize moms for all that HARD WORK that went down in the delivery room! HA! Amirite or amirite? Labor and delivery are TOUGH, and that’s why Labor Day is such a POWERFUL and IMPORTANT holiday! It’s time for moms to UNIONIZE! 

5. Hallmark-worthy

If I called my mother and thanked her for birthing me on Labor Day, I’m fairly certain she would be disappointed that she raised a moron. She might laugh and ask if I was joking, then remind me that she was a teacher for 30 years and would rather be thanked for paying for my upbringing and education (assuming of course that I was once taught the meaning of “Labor Day”). But I’ll try it next year and let you guys know what shakes out.

6. Big D and Bubba

Oh, Big D and Bubba. They bring country music to the troops and unabashed cluelessness to the Twitters. “How Long Was YOUR LABOR???” is the "How low can you go?" of our generation and it deserves its own anthem. 

7. #tryagain

First of all, I can’t read the word “push” in relation to labor anymore without thinking of this. Second, not all mothers go through labor. Third, this person’s ignorance concerns me. #ignorance #concern #Wikipedia

8. Facepalm

"That sound you hear is my palm hitting my face."

Is a Birth Story Catcher like a dreamcatcher for birth stories? Finally, someone is filling this obvious void.

9. Random Caps

Look, I’m as big a fan of chili dogs and sweet tea as the next gal, but these items are not proper nouns. Sure it occurs to me every now and then that it’s fucked up we don’t give Nachos or Burritos the respect they deserve, but hey, that’s life!!! I don’t make the rules. Also, Red’s status update is meaningless, Because History.

10. Twitter Department of BS

I see what you did there, Blue, and I salute you. Nice effort. You had me going for a second, but now my faith has been restored that some people actually know what Labor Day is. 

In fact, this update inspired me to search for some Canadian tweeters who mistook “Labour” Day as a day about moms, but…fucking Canada was too smart for that. Let’s do better in 2014, America.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Here we have the second and last “Labor” Day post, and it’s a play on yesterday’s post as well as a follow-up to last year’s Labor Memories Facebook Story, which I think we can agree was pretty inspired. Maybe not as inspired as the chocolate starfish/gassy butthole trip down memory lane, but certainly worth reading after several glasses of wine and/or with the TV on in the background so you’re only reading about 60% of the words.

Today, it’s Jeanine’s turn to step into the spotlight with her labor trial and tribulations. What’s notable about Jeanine’s story is not so much the frequency of her updates, but the length of the updates coinciding with the progression of her (year-old) labor. The more the labor ramped up in her fond memories, the more her updates ramped up in word length. It’s a perfectly nice story that doesn’t end with any gassy buttholes, but could’ve easily been summed up in an update that read: “This time last year I had a baby. Happy birthday to my little girl!” Instead, she goes on and on like she’s in a sewing circle. 

Then again, I haven’t read any birth story that didn’t make me feel like napping, so Jeanine isn’t necessarily alone in that department. She’s just joining a herd of ladies who would much rather “inform” their friends with play-by play labor recaps than post about something her friends actually want to read, like how to make a badass PB&J. See her drawn-out story below, and try not to doze off.

1. 

Jeanine knew approximately nothing when she first experienced contractions, but that’s all part of the journey. ;) The special birth journey that her friends get to join her on for several hours through a series of detailed status updates. YAY ;)

2.

Wait, no mention of what Gina picked up for lunch that day? Inquiring minds want to know! And exactly how did Dr. Pam adjust Jeanine’s body? Are we talking about Jeanine lying on her right side or her left side or her back or…? Did she drink any castor oil? This update reads as incomplete to me.

3.

Remember, boys and girls, Jeanine didn’t get to sleep until 2am the night before due to a cough. A persistent and irritating throat tickle that led to exhaustion at precisely the wrong time! And speaking of exhaustion, Jeanine had to pause before writing the last two updates of this exciting story, because she needed to get some much-needed rest. She couldn’t just sit on Facebook all night, could she? :o)  

4.

Reading about eating chicken and pesto directly before reading about getting in a tub makes me think of Gummo. Thankfully, Jeanine included a picture of being in the tub in her birth story, thus proving that she did not in fact eat her dinner in there OR have her husband shampoo her hair as she gave birth. I feel such relief at having this visual confirmation. Stay strong, you two. Everyone’s really invested in this now. 

5.

I’m pretty sure “I got my VBAC baby at home” is a popular bumper sticker, but don’t quote me on that. Also, it’s funny that Jeanine would feel embarrassed about using a word that “started with the letter F” but doesn’t feel the slightly twinge of self-awareness about sharing her intimate birth experience on Facebook. I suppose the miracle of life trumps the word “fuck” on the scale of acceptability. Who knew? Certainly not I!

Related: Misty Fluid-Covered Memories

(submitted by Anonymous)

Today I received several tweets referencing a particular comment on a restaurant review that was published in ’The Guardian’. After sifting through the tweets, I saw that several high-profile people had tweeted about the comment, leading me to question how good it could really be. Sometimes the internet decides something is CRAZY and it winds up being a troll, resulting in great disappointment. This time, however, the people delivered.

First, we have the review itself, written by Marina O’Loughlin. Like any other restaurant review, it’s primarily about the food. The restaurant is called The Dairy, a name that later proves to be an amusing coincidence. 

"…a series of small thrills", indeed. This review was overall very favorable, prompting a bunch of totally normal comments. That is, until we meet AngeliqiueMurphy. 

It all began when AngeliqiueMurphy left her crazy comment and Marina O’Loughlin tweeted this:

After a bunch of people read the comment, they started the typical internet process of elimination by wondering aloud if the comment was even real. 

In the majority of social media situations that involve a business given an unfavorable review, the business doesn’t go out of its way to defend itself or corroborate stories and accusations. That can quickly lead to The Most Epic Brand Meltdown On Facebook Ever, and no one (except the general public) wants that. Even popping into Yelp to defend yourself is a terrible idea if you represent a restaurant or some other service business. But today, The Dairy spectacularly broke that rule.

Now the internet had confirmation from the restaurant that AngeliqiueMurphy is no bullshitter — she’s a real life sanctimommy whose comment justifiably commanded the internet’s attention. Marina O’Loughlin responded with wide-eyed zeal.

At this point Marina was beyond impressed — with AngeliqiueMurphy, with The Dairy, and with the internet at large. These are the moments we live for these days, are they not?

But okay — what DID AngeliqiueMurphy say that inspired tweets from people like Caitlin Moran and popular Guardian writer Jay Rayner? We all know the psychological and physical destruction sanctimommies are capable of — especially in restaurants— so could AngeliqiueMurphy really be that bad? The rumor on Twitter was that she’d deleted her comment, but a blessed soul named Andrew Harvey took a screenshot before it was removed. Personally, the comment is still showing up for me, so maybe it was reinstated? Who knows. But this is what ‘Sanctimummy of the Year’ AngeliqiueMurphy had to say, and YES, it is most glorious:

To recap: the food was good, the service was above average considering the staff didn’t serve AngeliqiueMurphy brandy as she breastfed her son, AND the restaurant didn’t ask her table to leave despite watching them circle the drain for what sounds like a zillion painful hours. AngeliqiueMurphy is a deluded drunken thief who probably changes her baby’s diapers on restaurant tables and will soon have a toddler who scribbles all over restaurant walls as she “sips” brandy with her posse and guzzles wine straight from the bottle.

The Dairy had one last thing to say about all of that:

I’m just glad we can all agree that The Dairy’sbutter is amazing.

Related: Kids In The Community

Every year, a bunch of people write narcissistic"Facebook tributes" on September 11th, and this year was no exception. In FACT, I got so many absurd submissions this year, I wrote a column on Mommyish about how NOT to talk about 9/11 on Facebook, and I put together this round-up. It’s a lot of self-absorption to, well, absorb, but hey, this is America. What did you expect — for sanctimommies to tuck in their napping children and quietly post on Facebook that they’ll “Never Forget” with no mention of their kids? Even on a kid’s birthday? Ha. Right. Like it’s even possible for parents to post about what 9/11 means them without mentioning how important their children are, and not just to them but to society! Children’s smiles make the world go ‘round, and there’s no better day to be reminded of that fact than on September 11th. Trust me on this. 

1. An Endless Funeral

Never has the expression “You can’t have your cake and eat it, too” been so fitting. Hey, K., if you don’t want September 11th to be “an endless funeral,” then don’t interpret it as such. Here’s an idea: Next year, a few days before your daughter’s birthday, start a proper Facebook campaign to encourage everyone to shut the hell up about “Towers falling” and “victims’ families” and instead remark on nice weather, ponies, favorite ice cream flavors, and so forth. With enough support, you could effectively get everyone on Facebook to FINALLYYY stop talking about 9/11 on 9/11. And then you can enjoy your cake in peace! 

2. What Does 9/11 Mean To You?

The anniversary of 9/11 means many things to many people. Some cry. Some reflect. And some throw their hands up in the air and party like they just don’t care WHUT WHUTTT!!! Regan is 4 years old and you know what that means. It’s the day he officially begins to wipe his own ass, so OBVIOUSLY it’s a day of celebration. Mourning schmouring. Anger schmanger. It’s Regan’s birthday!

3. America’s Historical Due Date

As my mama might say, Celeste is trying my patience with this status update. I am thisclose to smashing my own living room window right now just because this update exists. And you KNOW she’s going to write it again next year, too, and every year after that. “Can’t believe that my baby’s going to be 6!” “Can’t believe li’l Wyatt decided not to join the world for 11 more days 11 YEARS ago!”

4. Symbolic Imagery

When I first saw this submission, I burst out laughing before reading it. It looks like the graphic The Onion would use in a satirical article about “Children’s Forgotten Birthdays.” It even looks like Natasha got a bit lazy in her photo search, grabbing the first watermarked balloon she saw, which is pretty much the photo search equivalent of saying “fuck it.” If anyone ever asks me what the definition of “dichotomy” is, I’ll point them to this submission.

5. The First Of Four Birthday Updates That Joy Posted Yesterday

Seriously, Joy’s kid has a plan for everything! And seriously, this was one of several status updates that Joy wrote in dedication to her young boy — pardon me, young man — on his birthday yesterday. Do you think Joy’s friends know — I mean like REALLY know — how much she cares for her son? That she’s proud of his fierce loyalty and sensitive soul, and she appreciates how much he defends stuff (“That boy is a defender!”)? Do her friends realize that 12 years ago, tragedy struck, but 13 YEARS ago, the world got a GIFT? I happen to think they do. 

6. Overachiever

This is what true terror looks like. The picture of horror: A smug mother sits in her family-friendly automobile in the suburbs, her world shattered — her child’s first steps, totally eclipsed — attempting to put the pieces back together as she integrates two completely conflicting worlds. Such cruel irony that the same day Lisa’s daughter was prepared take a step forward, the world was forced to take a step back. 

7. Grandpa-jacking

Kevin certainly doesn’t look old in his profile picture, so don’t go thinking this is a case of a cute little elderly grandpa who’s squinting through bifocals in order to post this Facebook update. It’s not. Kevin just TYPES LIKE A VERY OLD MAN AND HE TALKS LIKE ONE, TOO!! NBD!!

8. An Imaginative Giggle

You didn’t think we’d get through this whole post without a shout out to bath poop, did you? Haha! Fools. Of course poop managed to work its way into the 9/11 discourse. Emotions were surfacing and resurfacing all day, just like baby Ever’s poop! It smelled like total fucking shit! Did you really expect Julie to allow the somber holiday to eclipse Ever’s big day? 

PS: BROWN HELMETS.

For more 9/11 updates that probably shouldn’t have been written, head over to Mommyish to read my new column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Here lies a stinky reminder that Fright Fest 2013 begins one month from today. In just one month, the scents that waft through my inbox and the wonders from which they derive will be explored and on display onceagain in the migraine-inducing period that leads up to Halloween. Like a deep sea fishing trip, you never know what you’re gonna get during this special time on the blog.

Last year, for instance, we were introduced to Crystal, her newborn baby, and a large bowl bearing her bloody placenta in the first ever lotus birth post on the blog. I’m not saying that I’m breaking my arm patting myself on the back for that, but it was pret-ty magical and an experience not easily forgotten. This year, who knows what colorful delights we may encounter? One thing is for sure: The submissions will be spectacular. Assuming, of course, that you qualify “spectacular” with pictures of bodily goo, disposable diapers, and a front seat to a stranger’s labor and delivery.

But before we get into all that, let’s talk index fingers. Namely, Lui’s index finger, which just so happens to be about the same height and diameter as his daughter’s #massive #turd. He’s one #prouddaddy, and he wanted to show off that #caca on his Instagram page because, well, did you SEE his little girl’s #shit??! It’s perfect! It’s healthy! And it absolutely had to be shared. I’m sure Lui’s friends were all excited to scroll past the boring and predictable pictures of sunsets, puppies, and manicures to arrive at this #prouddaddy moment. Lui’s daughter’s #shit is #1! #Hashtag #Feces!

Related: Stool On Stool, Poop In His Hair, Toilet Snake

(submitted by Anonymous)

If I had to pick a type of oversharing parent who no one wants to get stuck talking to at a party, I’d probably go with the "birth-obsessed sanctimommy." I know there are many sane and wonderful people out there who just love and/or assist in childbirth for a living, but let’s face it: Nothing’s more grating than “wombyn” chatting casually about how much pain a vagina can endure and how mothers should embrace their inner birth goddess. Remember BEST BIRTH EVER!!! or Ring Of Fire? I’d rather pull off my own toenails than hang out with those women.

For some birth junkies, Facebook has been the perfect outlet for their rants, lectures, and descriptions of labor and delivery, not only because it’s a free platform to spread their gospel, but because they can’t see the bored look their friends get when reading the updates. Or the eye rolls, or the “Bitch, please” facial contortions in response to updates about how epidurals are total bullshit. (More on that in my new Mommyish column!) I can’t personally imagine bragging online about being a “natural mama” or calling out women just for having C-sections, but hey, we all have our own unique ways of talking about childbirth! Here are some more examples of sanctimamas I probably won’t be dining with anytime soon:

1. Lil baby Jayden 

"And of course, he came into this world via 100% natural, non-medicated birth!” **emphasis mine, cue the sound of my vomit hitting the floor** 

By phrasing her update about her baby’s arrival in this way, Vanessa sort of creates an “us vs. them” approach to birth announcements on Facebook. Did YOU have a full coochy birth without drugs or medical intervention? Do YOU get a cookie that’s the shape and consistency of a meaty 2lb. placenta? Who wins the award for shortest status update about a healthy baby delivery that makes me want to shoot a pint of tequila? It’s Vanessa!

2. Goddamn Tigers & Diagrams

Facebook groups with names like “Your Body Is Not Ruined, You’re Goddamn Tiger Who Earned Her Stripes” are the reason this blog exists. It’s not the sentiment, per se, it’s the attitude and tone with which sanctimamas snarl that they’re goddamn tigers. Sanctimamas love nothing more than comparing themselves to wild animals. Don’t mess with the mama bear, don’t cross paths with goddamn tiger (<— doesn’t even need an article), and don’t think for a second that you can you can outrun a mother antelope in her Subaru Outback Station Wagon. ‘Cause you can’t. Okay? Give these humble mothers the respect they deserve. They once experienced the pain (and JOY) equivalent of having 20 bones getting fractured at a time. Can u even handle that?

3. VBAC Activists

While I understand these ladies’ concerns about record high C-section rates, Katy’s update sounds just a wee bit dramatic and a little “end of days.” There’s expressing concern, and then there’s sharing an article on Facebook with hopeless pleas like “When will it stop? What will it take?” Is she referring to a somewhat alarming birth phenomenon, or a doomsday blockbuster action movie? “In a world….where women don’t always get the hospital care they want…and surgery-happy doctors show no signs of changing procedures…someone’s gonna get cut open.” 

I’d also like to note that this submission is from 2010, which means Katy may have already had that VBAC she always wanted. I hope Jeanette was able to attend. What do you wear to a VBAC party anyway? A denim jumpsuit? Something stylish, but durable and easy to clean.

4. The Gift Of Bowel Evacuation

Oh SNAP. Pink got the fixin’s of every little girl’s dreams! It’s time to pop open a bottle of bubbly, because ENEMA!!!! Pink’s gonna get her asshole cleaner than it’s ever been before, because HOMEBIRTH!!!! Those Certainty adult diapers are most Certainly going to come in handy once she flushes out her colon. Go team!

5. Special

Here is what I’d like to say to women like Sabrina: No one, except you, thinks you’re superior for giving birth at home. People might think it’s interesting, beautiful, or even stupid, but no one is IM’ing on Gchat going, “Holy. Shit. Sabrina had a home birth. She rocks harder than anyone else I know!!!!” And that’s merely ONE of the reasons why this baby onesie is dumb. Sweet, perhaps, but also (unintentionally?) polarizing, condescending, and attention-seeking.

6. Taking the Daily Mail Seriously

Whoaaa there, Corey, simmer down. This is from THE DAILY MAIL. A tabloid-like publication meant to inspire precisely the kind of ire you just unleashed on Facebook for no reason. Plus, who listens to “top obstetricians” about subjective things like whether a father should be in the delivery room? It’s one old man’s person’s several-years-old opinion. And yet, apparently it incited a lurking rage from within, and now everyone knows more than they wanted to about your post-baby sex life and your husband’s superwoman fantasies. This is what happens when you become the type of person who tells birth stories over antipasto. Like Linda, who sounds drunk, I agree with what Corey is saying. But that doesn’t mean I see any reason to freak out on Facebook. Just be superwoman, Corey. Do you. No one needs to know the details.

For more sanctimama madness, including a philosophical rumination on our “Instant” culture as it pertains to C-sections, check out my column over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last week, TODAY Moms and TIME declared placenta prints a recent trend that’s all the rage. But as regular readers of this site know, placenta prints are actually nothing new. I’m guessing I probably “discovered” placenta prints myself about 100,000 years after the first ones were made by bored avant-garde cave dwellers. Parents have been clutching their newborn’s lumpy“tree of life” and pressing it on acid-free paper (perfect for framing!) for a while now. And yet, because two major outlets ran concurrent stories on the bloody arts and crafts project, placenta prints are now getting the “new trend” internet treatment, which tends to happen every six months or so. 

Like clockwork, mainstream sites regularly recycle their placenta stories, just as new mothers recycle their actual placentas to make teddy bears and smoothies. In fact, at least once a week someone sends in a link to the infamous 2009 placenta teddy bear with an email caption like “You will NOT BELIEVE this crazy shit!!!” Those people are right; I still cannot believe that terrifying bear exists. But technically it’s been around for a while, and for all I know it’s already decomposed and been baked into a hearty lasagna. 

Because so much content gets re-posted by sites like MSN and The Huffington Post, people discover things like placenta prints at different times. Plus, some folks just don’t care when a video first circulated or whether CNN labeled placentophagy a fad in 2007, 2008, 2011, and 2013. To them, when they first read about something, it’s new, and therefore interesting and/or insane. And that’s who this post is for today. The n00bs. The placenta print rookies. Don’t get me wrong — placenta print aficionados needn’t feel shunned, but for everyone out there reading those placenta print stories du jour, these priceless works of art are for you. 

Learning something new is something we should all strive for each day. Learning how to speak Mandarin. Learning how to make pesto. Learning that your Facebook friend and her husband are engaged in an activity with a temporary organ that looks like this:

Rawr. Nothing’s sexier than a bearded dude blotting his lady’s bloody placenta like he’s preparing to sponge paint the foyer. I sort of wonder if couples are going to start posing with the placenta in professional portraits as part of a future trend. Don’t neglect the afterbirth after birth! If it’s good enough for art prints, it’s good enough for Picture People. The placenta is a member of the family, if for but a short time, and it deserves to receive all of the love and respect that it gives.

I’m even thinking the companies that offer “placenta services” should just hire an in-house photographer for parents to have a “final look” once the prints are made and before the placenta gets eaten, buried, or turned into a fashionable pair of slippers. Maybe also hire a documentary filmmaker to record the whole process. What kind of person wouldn’t want to watch the making of the prints after checking out the finished artwork in a friend’s home? I mean, you’re either a supporter of beautiful art and the majesty of birth, or you’re not.

Clearly, Olivia’s “wo” is missing a few letters because she felt lightheaded after checking out Brenda’s latest work, but I think we can safely assume that it sounded like this. Not that it’s Brenda’s fault that she has clients who are into creating abstract art made with human blood. Everyone’s gotta make a living, right? Art is entirely subjective.

Mmmm. Looks good and tastes good, too!! Something to cherish forever (and maybe turn into holiday cards, if friends and family are lucky). Placenta prints represent the indelible bond shared between mother and child. They’re not just “all the rage” today. They’re ALWAYS the rage, forever. 

Related: Placenta As Art

(submitted by Anonymous)

Fright Fest 2013 

It’s heeeeeere. That special time of year in which I post the grossest, wackest, most "eww"-inducing submissions that I’ve got in my toilet of a hard drive in honor of Halloween. Fright Fest began as a disjointed smattering of crazy in 2009 (you guys know what I’m talking about), and has since transformed into extendedperiodsof horror on the blog every fall. This year, I’ve got a shitload of submissions that I’ll be posting until the end of the month, so you might want to drop your candy corn before visiting the site on your lunch break. I’m going into this year’s festivities with no fear and I suggest you do the same — just not without taking the necessary precautions.

As a quick reminder, not every post is supposed to make you feel like vomiting into a trick or treat basket (or a lotus birth bowl). Some examples will be grosser than others. Occasionally, you may wonder why you read this site in the first place, or possibly question my mental faculties after viewing a derangedGIF. To those of you who don’t feel like falling into a latrine for the next two weeks, don’t worry, the site won’t smell like Fright Fest forever. Until November, though, you may as well close your eyes, take a nice, deep breath, and hold it. What’s yet to come is NOT going to appeal favorably to your senses. Unless, of course, you likethat kind of thing.

(image via)

Earlier today, comedian and popular Twitter personality Hannibal Buress tweeted about “the dark side of Faceboook”:

That’s right, you read this mom’s update correctly — well, aside from the use of the word “waist,” you read it correctly. Some parents opt to suck “slimy green mucus” out of their baby’s nose, because it’s both effective AND the absolute epitome of love. You thought your love for your child (or spouse, or pet, or favorite houseplant) was unconditional? Haha, NOPE. Think again. If you haven’t performed a mouth-to-nose suction on your child, you’re living in a love fantasy that’s completely sub-par. You may think you know what love is, but mouth-to-nose suction is when mommies stop being polite…and start getting real. And that realness is what #true #motherhood is all about.

Take Jennifer, for instance. She’s crossed the mouth-to-nose line, and she snot she’s not ever looking back.

See? All Natural, 100% Mama Love. With this suction process in mind, though, I started thinking about #motherhood, love, realness, and Fright Fest. Tell me, which is worse - reading about parents sucking nasal mucus from their children with no visual proof, or catching a glimpse of said nasal mucus with just a dab of blood mixed in for good measure?

When I retweeted Hannibal Buress’s mouth-to-nose tweet, I received responses ranging from "fucking disgusting" to "I almost hurked." But to ME, the real crime is in mucus photography. And no, I didn’t make up the blood part, sorry.

Is anyone else reminded of the bloody bag o’ breast milk we encountered last year — or is that just my memory torturing me again? Pro-tip, Nicole: Before taking your daughter to the doctor for a sinus infection, you may want to check her nose for this…

Okay, now THAT is fucking disgusting. I’m off to go hurk now. (And yes, this post is just a precursor to more snothorror. Tis the season!)

Related: Smelling Like Gross Rot

(submitted by Anonymous)

Did you guys make it to Pukefest 2013?? This year’s epic event culminated in a massive pajama party that was a smelly, maroon-colored mess, but hey, YOLO, right? When you sign up for Pukefest, you already know you’re sleeping in a vomit-stained bed for at least one night, if not four or five nights. It kind of depends on how much water you’ve consumed and whether your roommate is already sick to his stomach. You can use your trusty festival-sponsored Pukefest barf bin when the moment strikes, OR you can just roll over and vomit all over your bedsheets. You’re guaranteed to barf until you cry at Pukefest, as Amy’s picture heartily proves. What did her kids have for dinner, anyway? A fresh placenta loaf and a bottle of wine?

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last week on Mommyish, I wrote about one of everyone’s least favorite Fright Fest traditions: the Documom. Documoms and their weird obsessive photographs have been crowding my inbox for years, and every Halloween, I like to wrangle an ensemble of body parts that were closely studied and put on display by Facebook moms for their friends’ enjoyment. Sure, sometimes there’s a medical question involved — like in the Mommyish column, when one woman asks the eternal question, “Pimple or Boil?” — but most of the time it’s just a picture of an infection or an injury with a caption that amounts to “Hey, friends, check this out!”, often punctuated with a frowny face to drum up Facebook Sympathy (the laziest form of sympathy in existence). 

Documoms do not wish to know about the plight of others. They don’t particularly care if your kid banged her face on a guard rail over the weekend, or if you’re having knee surgery soon, because they’re already dealing with their own li’l mini-traumas. Mostly, documoms just want to show off their kids’ ailments because they don’t know any other way to be. If they already posted about how delicious a pumpkin spice latte was or how their baby’s poop smelled like microwave popcorn, why not continue to illuminate the masses with photos of stuff that actually matters, like a full-body rash or a nasty bout with pink eye? Inquiring minds want to know! Let’s take a look at this year’s Fright Fest round-up of examples, keeping in mind that I’m saving the best documom submissions for closer to Halloween because y’all fools ain’t ready yet:

1. Sad Thumb

Ever slammed your finger in a drawer or accidentally closed a car door on your hand? Congratulations, you’re an average human being! Here’s a picture of Emma’s kid giving you a black thumb up, sort of.

2. Creepy Ear Infection Photography

Dayla’s kid is like, “Mom, my ear doesn’t even hurt, why are you taking pictures of my head with a zoom lens?” And Dayla is all, “SIT STILL, goddammit, I’m capturing the hardship you’re enduring for Facebook!! I just need to get in a little bit closer…Ahhh! There it is.”

What makes Dayla’s daughter’s ear infection special is that it’s a poor little baby ear. Certainly nothing that 10 days of antibiotics can’t fix, but in the meantime, just look at that little baby ear, lying on its side like the victim of some kind of horrible disease. The sterling silver kind. :(

3. Check Callus Presentation

According to Star Craft Wiki, “The terrans are a young species with psionic potential.” According to me, this Terran should stop chewing the inside of his mouth, which I can only imagine is a response to his overbearing mother, because I don’t want to receive another picture that looks like this ever again. Good god, that white mass is fucking disgusting. Note to parents who have the urge to yank open their children’s mouths to take callus/ulcer/lost tooth hole pictures for Facebook: For every picture you take of the inside of your kid’s mouth to post online, you must donate $20 to Operation Smile. Kari, that means you. 

4. Grandma’s Fireplace

ZOMG injury pictures — LOVE! Who doesn’t love, love, LOVE it when a mom gets right up in her child’s face and snaps away at the site of a gash or a busted lip? This picture was taken 2+ years ago, but that just means Oliver has had over two years to appreciate the fact that his mother snapped it and posted it online. Plus, it’ll come in handy when he talks about “grandma’s fireplace” in therapy in several years. You know what they say: A picture is worth a thousand words (and cuts down on your therapy bill).

Whoa. Looks like someone had decent photo-shoot lighting. By now, Missy should have an exhibition’s worth of high res injury shots to hang in a show. She can call it “Scars Of Love: Visual Tales From Grandma’s Fireplace and Beyond” and promote it via an emotional, but compelling, blog post and artist’s statement on Huffington Post. It’ll be sold out within a week (especially after every other parenting site picks up the story). 

5. Lukas’s Appendix

Last but not least, we have “Lukas appendix removed.” Every few months, someone sends me the gift of “surgery porn,” and I couldn’t be more ungrateful. I know some people really enjoy looking at pictures of a stranger’s appendix or the rare ectopic pregnancy, but I’m not one of them, so to me this grainy worm-like image just looks long and stringy and ill-advised for Facebook. I guess to a guy like Ivan — a proud docudad — this photo serves a kind of novelty purpose as he captures his kid’s appendix being pulled from his body with a pair of tongs. But for most people scrolling through Facebook, a short text update would suffice.

Related: "Graffic" Photos

For more examples in the ongoing Documom Photo Series, including a picture described by one mother as “gross purulent & blood tinged drainage,” check out my column over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Hahaha, is this hilarious or WHAT. Nothing makes me howl with laughter like watching children pick apart dead animals. I mean, is this funny or is this fucking funny? Okay, okay, maybe it’s a little sadistic, and maybe animals die of like, diseases and stuff, which can potentially spread via tiny unwashed dead bird-covered human hands, but have you guys even seen "Dumb & Dumber"? The scene with the blind kid holding the bird? PRICELESS.

Jessica’s kids are sort of re-enacting that scene, you might say, except they’re A) not blind, B) under the watchful eyes of their mother and her friends, C) intentionally playing with a dead bird, rather than being (mis)led to believe the bird is alive and well, D) just messing with the bird, as opposed to being educated about the bird’s anatomy, because who gives a shit about boring crap like that?, and E) not in a movie. Still, though — what a gas! Truly one of the more comedic photographs I’ve seen on the internet today, and that includes seeing this. Isn’t it funny how a dead bird can still peck its way into people’s hearts just by virtue of being used as a toy by adorable children? 

Related: Dead Squirrel Edition

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I don my curator hat and educate the masses, for the first time in STFUP history, on a new and exciting artistic medium that’s got all the parents talking: Poop Painting. I’ve held off putting up any poop paint exhibits for a long time, not because I don’t appreciate the somewhat unorthodox methodology, but because it’s taken me a while to understand the cultural influence on Facebook. You might say I came close with this post about poop body paint, but today I’m talking about going beyond the body-as-canvas. Why stop there when you can paint a wall, a crib (aka a poop painter’s studio space), or even a door? Poop paint is 100% natural, and toddlers can produce a seemingly endless supply, making for one of the cheapest, yet most impactful (if I may steal a word from corporate marketing) forms of artistic self-expression in existence. OF COURSE this genius sensibility comes from the minds of small children; they’re the most creative and uninhibited artists among us! 

Don’t get me wrong, I know that established artsy-fartsy types have been crafting special-smelling projects using human and animal excrement for years. I know these works have been in very important shows, and I myself had a memorable experience avoiding a “poop room” at an art show once. Talk about impactful! Everyone who was anyone was talking about how fucking disgusting that particular room was and saying that going in there required eating several Xanax and/or having a mild concussion just so you could forget you ever saw it. And yet here I am years later still talking about it. That’s how an artist preserves, or rather, “preserves,” his or her legacy, you see.

So today let’s explore this brown-stained world, peering into the minds of the parents of these li’l artists, as well as the artists’ bedrooms where the homespun magic tends to happen. There’s much to be discovered.

1. Finger-painting 

The thing I like about this tweet is that it sounds like a rap lyric. It’s the kind of lyric a rapper spits right after one that’s totally incongruous. As in, “I’m popping benzos ‘til I faceplant / My daughter was finger-painting her crib with shit like she was Rembrandt.” Oh, WORD? She did? How clever that you came up with that simile. Phrasing her behavior in this way completely changes how I feel about children finger-painting with their own feces, thanks!

2. Tease & Reveal #1: Poop Painter Fiasco

You know what works quite well? Asking for tips about how to get certain bodily fluids off or out of furniture without posting a picture. Truth be told, if a person already knows how to clean shit off of treated wood off the top of her head, s/he probably doesn’t need to see a picture of what it looks like first. Like, you either know how to clean shit off wood or you don’t.

This visual has stayed with me for what feels like a lifetime, and now I shall pass the nightmare on to you fine people:

I wouldn’t have come up with “steam cleaner” (fucking EWW), nor do I have any other cleaning suggestions, but I do have a few OTHER suggestions for Holly: 1. Never post a picture of a door with human waste smeared all over it on Facebook, and 2. Send all of your Facebook friends $100 immediately. They need it for therapy. Especially Allie and Nicole. Send them flowers with handwritten apologies and gift cards to a local spa and/or mental institution.

3. Witch’s Brew

You guys can’t see it, but the look on this child’s face is very “YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME??”, which is fitting considering she’s turned her “studio space” into a scene from “Fight Club,” if “Fight Club” had involved poop-fighting oneself. She’s like a rabid animal, writhing in a cage that’s caked with her own filth. Her mother says she doesn’t “even know where to start,” but I say start with the basics: a banana, some water, and a few tranquilizer darts.

4. Tease & Reveal #2: Mocha Almond Fudge

One of the least amusing photo captions a parent can write on Facebook is “No, that’s not chocolate,” or, “No, that’s not crayon,” or, “No, that’s not mocha almond fudge, unless “mocha almond fudge” is a common euphemism for “shit that came out of my toddler’s ass.”” Those jokes are so unfunny, I would almost prefer parents go the Rembrandt / “Poo-casso” route with their poop momedy. Especially if the outcome (ahem) is as disturbing as this:

Here is a child who’s literally being caught brown-handed. He has created an abstract, sloppy piece of “destruction art” with his bowels, and there is nothing that could possibly make it more disgusting other than if he pissed and vomited all over it and then used it as an adhesive to stick up drawings of his family set on fire. This is approaching Law & Order territory. Or worse, Poop Skating territory. I will never look at a wall the same way again.

And that, my friends, is art.

Don’t forget to head over to Mommyish to learn more about Poop Painting, or just to feel better about your day because you’re not cleaning human excrement off a wall in your home (I hope).

(submitted by Anonymous)

This is one of those WTF posts that doesn’t necessarily classify as “overshare,” but it’s not Gold Star-approved, either. No…that’s not how I would define the following pictures of a little girl who’s been transformed by her mother into a cat lady, an ogre, a Safari Flying Evil Monkey, and a character from Zoobilee Zoo, if a stripper-kitty Zooble with a penchant for baths had been part of the cast.

As an appreciator of free clip-art, I understand the impulse to decoratepicturesin aridiculousmanner. And as a person with a mom who’s recently discovered emoji, I understand that some mothers have a tendency to be extra-goofy with clip-art and emoticons. But that understanding aside, these pictures are beyond strange. This proud mom / folk artist begins her journey simply, with a cat app, before hitting the gas and heading straight to Bizarro Kitty Bathtown. There’s no question in my mind that shitty clip-art makes the world a better place, but L.’s photo series takes digital stickering to creepy and crafty new heights.

1. =^w^=

I have twocats that whine and shed a lot, so I beg to differ with L.’s statement, but in terms of having too many clip-art kitties, including tigers and Sphynx cats, she’s right on the money. You just can’t have too many.

Cat apps like Cat Effects make pictures like this possible, and I couldn’t be more grateful. Whenever I see a picture like this in my newsfeed, I smile knowing one of my adult friends took the time to add stickers to their pictures and tap into their inner 2nd grader. Adorable. But you know what they say: Cat Effects are the gateway drug to the twisted underworld of modern clip-art culture.

2. Ogre~ific! 

After L. got into the rudimentary “dabbler’s” side of the clip-art scene, she took things to the next level with a sci-fi-inspired work, aptly titled “Ogre~ific!”

Out of respect to the artist, I left all of her works exactly as she created them in this post. But as a general rule, I don’t endorse parents using bright white lights to cover a child’s nether-regions in order to make a picture acceptable for Facebook. Mostly, this picture serves as a jumping-off point for L.’s warped imagination. It’s Point A on the road to Point Z. Baby-eating ogres and poison skulls are great and all, but you know what are really cool? Flying monkeys.

3. Safari Evil Flying Monkey

Did you know that ‘Safari Evil Flying Monkey’ is the name of about a dozen indie bands? True story. And did you know that a female Safari Evil Flying Monkey wears a bow in her hair? Monkey’s gotta be stylish. Here’s something else I bet you didn’t know: Safari Evil Flying Monkeys are bikini-clad demons with fangs that look like this:

L. takes this editing job in a pretty unconventional direction, and yet she still uses a flower to symbolically cover her kid’s vagina. She’s an eccentric artist with one foot firmly placed in reality, and her daughter has never looked more terrifying.

That is, until she took a kitty bath.

4. Kitty bath

Do you know what a kitty bath is? Me neither. But apparently it involves a bath, some kitties, and shapeshifting that turns young girls into Kardashian-esque sexy kittens with curly hair extensions and furry feline ears.

Who else is ready to buy a whole calendar of L.’s inspired works? Just imagine being weirded out by her outlandish designs every single day of the year. Now that’s an investment I’m prepared to make, assuming the next photo series will feature her daughter wearing clothing.

Tangentially Related Favorite WTF Posts: Emme, Brenda, I Preg, Freaky Tattoos, and The Apple That Turned Into a Tattoo

(submitted by Anonymous)

Why, hello there, everyone. Might I offer you the opposite of a snack or something to drink? Perhaps you’d care for a jug of bleach for your eyes, or a large paper bag for your barf? It’s time to put down that bag of mini-Snickers, because we’re just a few days from Halloween, and Fright Fest is getting even realer. It’s officially the (work) week of Halloween, and y’all should know by now that this year, homey ain’t playin’. 

For instance, why post one or twovomitpics when I could post a whole round-up? Narrowing down “the best” examples was already difficult enough, so I said to myself, “Self, don’t deprive these good people of what they deserve — a VIP pass to the Vomit Emporium.” (I also posted a query on Twitter, to which a few enthusiastic people responded, "Round-up!!!", while everyone else following STFUP silently reflected on my idiocy.) So without keeping you in suspense any longer, let’s take a look at what you’ll find at the Upchuck Pavilion aka the Barf Bazaar aka the Vomit Emporium, showcasing the finest in emetic curiosities. 

1. Bonding

Until now, we’ve only been fortunate enough to see pictures of baby barf on a person’s clothes, but today, FINALLY, we get to check it out dripping down the side of a grown person’s face and covering one very lucky uncle’s (closed!) mouth. Very au naturel. Mary’s brother is truly a sad clown. It’s hard to understand why, though, considering he’s getting a coveted Baby Facial made almost entirely of liquidgold. His expression looks a little ungrateful to me. 

2. Reflux

Haha, how many of us have been caught on camera mid-throw up? I know for me personally, I’m always like, “Someone hurry and grab a camera, ‘cause I’m gonna puke!” but it never, ever works out. And don’t even get me started on attempting to capture the hilarity of someone else puking. Aarrgh! It’s not as easy as it sounds!

That’s why a picture like this, of Kimmi’s baby’s reflux, is so darn impressive:

Whoaaa there, demon baby! Is that a fountain of vomit or are you just happy to see me? Heh. Just a little hork humor for those of you familiar with baby spit-up. Is she a cutie patootie or what??

3. Bath Love

Thanks, Sara, for distracting me away from Olivia’s chin puke to focusing instead on Ella’s “little squirt poops” in the bath. I was thinking that nothing could be grosser than a possessed child with oatmeal-like barf caking her jaw, but now I’m reminded that of course there’s grosser stuff, like diarrhea bath water!

4. Photo Needs

Ugh, I can’t tell if I’m more grossed out by the barf explosion that’s still happeningor the terrible mix of fabric patterns. Either way, this picture features the kind of cryptic caption that almost sounds fake, but isn’t. Have we really become such an entitled people that we’re capable of posting close-up pictures of chunky barf falling from the mouths of babes with explanatory captions like, “Sorry. I need the photo.”? Get a grip, Polka Dot Mom. Get. A. Fucking. Grip., and find another way to save gross images without sharing them with your entire online network.

5. Resting Places

I feel like I need one of those Inception-style rage comics to illustrate my hatred for the words “Oh mama.” Of all the poop pics, placentas, and Vomit Emporiums on this blog, nothing can stack up to the measure of repugnance I feel toward expressions like "Mama bear,"“You go, mama!”, and "Don’t mess with this mama!" They make my ears bleed and my stomach quiver. But thankfully, unlike Black’s baby, I can resist the urge to projectile puke everywhere when I’m displeased.

In the words of Instagram users, this picture has #nofilter. I added the headstone and turned it into a GIF, but the actual photo is 100% as is, no filter needed. The barf is every bit as vibrant, textured, and contrasting with the yoga pants as this “mama” photographer would have you believe. The stomach contents of her child: emptied. The stains on her yoga pants: enhanced. And thus, the cycle of laundry continues. 

(submitted by Anonymous)

One of the main reasons parents post gross pictures on Facebook is because technology makes it really easy. For example, you don’t HAVE to take a picture of your baby’s bloody umbilical cord after he’s born, but since you CAN, why wouldn’t you? And you don’t HAVE to share it on Facebook, but it only takes two seconds, and honestly, who doesn’t love a good high-res picture of a bloody umbilical cord?

Haters, step to the left. D.’s got something to share, and yes, it is beautiful.

Isn’t it nice knowing that someday, seemingly out of nowhere, a friend you thought you knew relatively well could show up in your newsfeed with an item like this? One minute all of that person’s pictures are of sunsets and craft beers, and the next, they’re of a shiny, grey, clamped umbilical cord that’s surrounded by a small puddle of blood. Life is miraculous like that.

(submitted by Anonymous) 

Halloween is just a few days away, so you know what that means: It’s Christmastime! Well, okay, not really, but the second the clock strikes November 1st, retailers are going to unroll their Christmas and Black Friday campaigns faster than you can say “Fright Fest is over.” And in a way, that makes sense. Sometimes Halloween and Christmas aren’t that far apart, conceptually-speaking. Take this birth pool of bloodbaby pool filled with red Jell-O, for instance:

At first glance, this picture is highly suspect. Any regular reader of this blog or person familiar with water birthing (so like, lots of people) would give this picture a double-take and search for a caption that confirms it is not in fact a baby pool serving as a birth pool that’s inexplicably filled with several gallons of post-labor blood. If there wasn’t a caption that said “Jell-O,” “Kool-Aid,” or “colored water” in it, I might not know what to believe.

But thankfully, there is, which says this pool is filled with red gelatin. And yet, it’s not actually filled with gelatin for “Jell-O Shots” as the name implies. No, this gooey, sticky, jiggly pool is a Christmas gift for Kellie’s kids:

The kids asked, and their parents delivered. As you can see, things got a bit messy. 

Here’s my question: Did Kellie and her husband have to choose red as their Jell-O pool color of choice? Nothing against pools filled with gelatin, or their decision to fulfill their kid’s wish on Christmas, but seriously, this iteration of yuletide cheer is a little creepy. Couldn’t Kellie have at least acknowledged the irony that it looks like her kid is a flesh-eating zombie, just for the sake of everyone who’s already thinking it?

Mmmmm….tastes like human remains. This kid is living it up on Christmas just like a zombie would, feasting on what appears to be chunks of blood and flesh in an entire POOL filled with blood and flesh. It’s almost like a zombie’s spa fantasy. Reminds me of the time a reader thought a bread loaf was a placenta, except slightly grosser due to photos like this:

Ugh. There’s something about this picture that doesn’t sit right with me, and for that reason, I’m giving Kellie half a Gold Star. It’s Halloween so it’s time to get spooky, and this picture absolutely does the trick. The only thing that’s kinda weird is that it looks like Kellie’s kid is in a haunted house in October instead of in her garage on Christmas Day. Or maybe that’s just me? What can I say, I have a wild imagination, and my inbox is often filled with pictures like this:

Does this not look nearly identical to the baby pool filled with Jell-O? It totally does. Other than the cutting board, knife, & coiled, frozen umbilical cord, that is. It’s pretty much the same thing, minus being a temporary organ that isn’t made of sugar, gelatin, and water.

No thanks, Joshua. NO. THANKS. This is why Instagram can be a fearful place.

(submitted by Anonymous)

UPDATE: A few readers have brought the “googly eyes” (??!?!) to my attention, and I just wanted to clarify that I did NOT affix/Photoshop googly eyes on this placenta. Also: HOW DID I MISS THE GOOGLY EYES BEFORE?? WTF is happeniiinngg???