At some point or another, we forget things. The day of the week, an event date, whether we left the house with a bra on or not, etc. And 99% of the time, we catch ourselves from sounding really dumb and/or out of touch before accidentally exposing our momentary failures online. This comes in handy since there are certain things most of us might not want people to know, like thinking “supposably” is a valid word. Unfortunately, though, the moms in the following two submissions are in that other 1%. They didn’t check themselves before they wrecked themselves, and now their friends are aware of their ridiculous birthday blunders. Bless their hearts. 

I wonder what it’s like to have your mom sing “Happy Birthday” to you when you wake up and adorn you with a shirt that says “I am 3,” only to have the title temporarily stripped due to human error. Sounds kinda sucky. But hey, at least Sasha is only turning three. He probably just saw a butterfly and forgot about it all within a matter of seconds. It’s when you get a little older that things tend to resonate more. After all, you can practically set a computer to program your whole life these days. In the Age Of Reminders, there’s no excuse for “Sixteen Candles-esque” scenarios or mistakes.

“To” early, is it, Kellie? Methinks the lady doth Facebook too much. It’s one thing to accidentally wish your child a happy birthday and cite the wrong age, but to then write “to” instead of “too”? No. That is where I and many others before me draw the line. You have to take a stand for something in this life, and I’m taking one on “to” and “too.” I feel we may have lost the “your/you’re” fight, and “they’re/their/there” was a pipe dream, but “to/too” still has a chance to be understood by all. I hope after Kellie adds another candle to Bryceten’s (?!) birthday cake, she takes a few minutes out to read his English textbook. Kids tend to learn these grammar lessons right around his age group. His real age group, that is. ZING. Better luck next year!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Every year, moms take “The Joys of Motherhood!” concept and apply it to Mother’s Day through a series of updates about bodily fluids. On an average day, a baby’s diaper explosion is just what babies doo do (“Oh, the joy!”), but on holidays like Mother’s Day, that shitty diaper becomes a “gift” and unfortunate momedy ensues.

Of course, a part of me understands the appeal of potty humor, but can’t we all agree that children’s asses and immune systems have no bearing on holidays or birthdays? Just because your kid took a dump in her pants and it happens to be Mother’s Day doesn’t mean she “made you a present.” That’s gross. Stop ruining perfectly good Mother’s Day lunches with “funny” updates about poop and barf. The jokes have all been made before, and they weren’t very funny the first time around.

1. Laundry

Well damn, Janet, way to call out and scold your toddler daughter on Facebook for shitting herself in the car. I’m sure she didn’t mean to poop all over her carseat so much as it just kind of happened. And considering it didn’t even happen on Mother’s Day, Casey’s accident truly has nothing to do with the holiday whatsoever. I think they call that “projecting.”

2. Extra Special Gifts

If you’re going to bring up your child’s diarrhea in a status update, consider using Meghan’s approach. It’s disgusting and unwarranted newsfeed nastiness, but at least she’s cheerful about it.

3. Woe Is Mom

The opener “Vomitting [sic] toddlers day 2” tells me that Fawn already posted about her vomiting toddlers on day 1, so I’m guessing her friends got a double dose of vomit updates this weekend, too. Lucky them! Thankfully for Fawn, both Julie and Sarah can relate. It’s always helpful when your friends understand what you’re going through, unless that understanding results in an even more disgusting example.

4. Being A Mom

Emily’s update is reasonable enough, minus the fact that ‘Hudson, Everett, and Sawyer’ sounds like a folk band (or maybe just a folksy legal firm) — but Jannell’s comment is what takes this over the edge. I can’t read it and not picture this. But aside from that, it’s important to remember that while Mother’s Day is a celebration of all things motherhood, certain details can be ignored online. Just because your kid’s poosmearing session coincided with Mother’s Day doesn’t mean it needs to be spelled out or remembered from year to year. There’s a reason Hallmark doesn’t sell cards that say “Happy Mother’s Day! Treasure the feces.”

(submitted by Anonymous)

This year, as you may have noticed, I scaled back on Mother’s Day posts for a couple of reasons. One reason is that I never got anything even close to as crazy as this. Another reason is that I spend so much time talking trash about sanctimommies and mommyjackers and documoms (who are increasingly dominating my inbox, btw) that I almost feel like reserving Mother’s Day for primarily sincere sentiments. As much as I diss absurd parenting trends the rest of the year, I get a lot of funny submissions written by or about moms. I even get nice emails about the blog from my own mom sometimes, in-between suggestions about not using profanity. So to give props, I put together this round-up and another one on Mommyish. Here are some Gold Star moms whose comments and updates help make Facebook worth reading:

1. Dog Clothes = Baby Clothes

I like the way Katharine doesn’t even add a “Ha!” which would secretly mean, “Return it.” She’s just like, “Yeah, sure, drop it in the mailbox or join me for a happy hour cocktail and we’ll dress up my kid in your dog dress and watch her chase a Frisbie in the front yard.” 

2. Momibalism

This is one of those casual thoughts that provides real insight into a person’s psyche. You don’t only discover that Lindsay equates eating placenta with a sadistic cannibal feeding a victim his own brains; you can also glean that even if Lindsay did eat her own placenta, she wouldn’t go bragging about it on Facebook with a picture of an empty glass bowl and a fork. That’s some hippie twisted serial killer shit.

3. Food Sharing

We have ourselves another Oprah Gold Star thread. Every single person in this thread has earned a virtual reward for being awesome. Screw those ravenous children who already snack all the livelong day. They can’t eat your treats if you don’t share them! These women are like the exact opposite of Candy Apple Mom, who wound up with no Gold Star and no candy apple. Sucks for her.

4. Cock Bock’s

I will never tire of mocking children’s spelling mishaps and confused expressions. Something tells me Swingy Dong and Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong could whip up some delicious Porny Gravy using Mommy’s Cock Bock’s. ZING.

5. Servitude

Is it just me or does “my very own slaves” sound like the adult version of “My Little Pony” or “Kid Sister”/”My Buddy” dolls? I guess I never thought of children like that before, but they’re basically just really expensive, yet human (so they can cook and clean), life-sized adult versions of my ratty old Kid Sister doll. Genius! This kid looks like he’s really going for it over the stove. Slaving away, as it were. Not that I think actual slavery is funny. It’s not. Unless it involves forcing your own children to do household chores in exchange for food and shelter. Then it’s fine! Heidi, I salute you. You teach those damn kids how to work for their dinner! 

Don’t forget to check out my column about more Gold Star Moms over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last week was Birthday Week, which was *pretty* good, but in all honesty I had like 14 more posts I wanted to run and couldn’t due to time constraints. I will possibly run a few of those posts in the coming weeks/months, but until then, I wanted to formally close out the celebration with a final WTF post featuring three of my favorite random birthday submissions. Each example holds a special place in my heart, and now I’m sharing them here with you. Let us soak up the last rays of Birthday Week sunshine before entering the abyss once again. (Did I mention that I got a submission the other day that’s just a picture of a giant human turd sitting on a PLATE??). The party was fun while it lasted!

Hey Kimmi, way to be a total buzzkill. So what if Stacy wants to get loaded and attend Cj’s birthday party? SO. WHAT. Sometimes people just need to take the edge off a little! It’s not like Stacy is going to cause drama or anything; she’s just going to smoke a little weed, take a few shots, and maybe bump some ketamine in the car before heading in to the party. I mean, hello, it’s a SATURDAY. Don’t be so uptight! It’s not like she’s gifting Cj a bong covered in Elmo stickers or something. Now THAT would be inappropriate, at least until Cj is a teenager.

Ahh, Larry and Vanessa. They’re like the 2013 Facebook version of Jack and Diane from that John Mellencamp song if you just substitute “suckin’ on a chili dog” with “17 years ago, I fucked you.” Poetry, these two! I’m glad I got Vanessa’s permission and blessing to call out her husband for being That Guy who publicly talks about previous sexualexploits that resulted in a baby. Of course, if I’d overheard my own father making this joke when I was 17 I would have vomitedon the floor, but hey, that’s family for you! And a lady never knows WHAT to expect from her husband.

This delightful tale is about a dog named Clover that Elisabeth ‘protected’ from an opossum not by bringing the dog inside but by beating the opossum to death with a baseball bat. You don’t want to mess with the mama bear, y’all! She’s so vicious, she’ll beat an animal to death *and* crack a water pipe in one swift motion. And yet she’s also so LOVING, she won’t forget to mention that her twin sons turn six months old the next day at the end of her tale. What a mom. :) They say a mom is a cleaner, a teacher, a maid, and a handyman, but did you know moms are also bat-wielding murderers who casually kill animals and mention half-birthdays in the same sentence? They really can do it all! 

And yes, I did choose to post this submission to reiterate that half-birthdays are birthdays, too, people. More to come on that (and the “half-cake” trend) soon! But for now, au revoir, Birthday Week. You’ve been poop-free this year, and for that, I am most grateful.

(submitted by Anonymous)

I get a kick out of petty parenthysterics, especially when the ire is directed at people who don’t “acknowledge” children. We’ve seen a fewexamplesof this before, but I thought it would be fun to read several submissions in a row just to really drive home the point. 

It’s not that I don’t sympathize with parents for feeling pissed off that someone didn’t smile or wave back at their child; it’s just that I wonder why the sentiment must be shared online. Like I said in my Mommyish column this week, “One of the most important lessons parents will teach their kids is knowing when to choose their battles, so it strikes me as funny that some people choose to make “waving” a battle.” Oh, the hardships some overly sensitive parents must endure! Thank goodness there are outlets for them to communicate their woes. Let’s check out some (more) examples of this extreme injustice in our society:

1. Mommy Peeves

I don’t know what’s worse — taking the time to issue a formal statement on Facebook about smile/wave protocol, or talking in the third person and calling yourself “mommy.” It’s one thing to say, “mommy needs a vacation,” (I guess), but “mommy has a new pet peeve,” sounds like the complaint of a person who protests when there’s too much salt on her margarita glass. You can’t please a woman who says in all seriousness that her toddler “took the time out of her day” to smile at someone, as if her child paused an extremely busy afternoon of drooling, pooping, crying, and falling down to do someone else a massive favor. I didn’t realize smiling was such an undertaking.

2. Innocent Kindness

Man, does it burn me up when cranky assholes don’t take the time to say “hi” to a child whose enthusiasm and joy are like a solar panel, brightening everyone’s day wherever she goes. What kind of douchebag doesn’t recognize innocent kindness when it’s staring them in the face? It is TRAGIC that children have to grow up realizing that the world is crammed with rude monsters who deserve to be smacked upside the head with a shovel. Stupid ignorant bastards and their bad attitudes! At least those children can look to their sweet parents for guidance during trying times. 

3. Grump-Faced People

This is like the time a grumpy cafe worker was accused of pure and simple ageism for “glowering” at a toddler (translation: “staring into space while bored at a low-paying job”). Maybe the “grump-faced people” in the industrial-carpeted business pictured above are just going about their day and don’t necessarily want to have a chat with a baby, no matter how cute her mother thinks she is. Where are they, anyway? The bank? The DMV? A place that sells industrial carpet? None of those places sound fun to me. I can manage to be cheerful when running errands, but not 100% of the time, particularly when there’s a baby crawling underfoot.

4. Stupid Bitches

Hey, you dumb bitch waitress, thanks for doing your job and all, but because you refused to acknowledge a child’s meaningful air kisses, you can forget about paying your power bill. You don’t even know an opportunity when it flutters out of a little boy’s hand and lands on the tip of your nose. Why would someone reward that kind of ignorance with money? Here’s a different kind of tip: Tell children they’re adorable or starve. Hope you enjoyed serving people who had every intention of tipping you, but more importantly, hope you learned a valuable lesson in etiquette. Next time you’ll find a note and a cute little boy’s drawing of the $5 bill you missed out on. He’s creative like that. Blam

To read more about crushing children’s spirits (and their parents’ spirits, too), check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I preached on a subject that makes me want to grab my best hanky and cry: DEATHJACKING. There’s tragedyjacking, and then there’s bare bones deathjacking, which all began years back with a depressingly memorable post called Charlie’s Angels. As it turns out, some people habitually insert themselves in comment threads about sympathy and loss because they have no idea what kind of assholes they sound like, and today’s post is dedicated to those assholes. So throw on a black shawl (fellas, I know you’re not above this), and pour yourself a tall glass of whiskey, because you’ll soon be mourning the loss of dignity displayed throughout this post. 

1. Shut Up, Reba

What is it about a terrible tragedy that inspires folks like Reba to share  celebratory news couched as an uplifting counterpoint? You know, people like Rebecca, or Michelle, or Amber? They should all form a deathjacking sorority.

2. Grandson KeAvion

What’s more troubling: A crazy grandma ranting about her grandson’s flu-like virus on a thread about a funeral, OR the Fact that She capitalizes Odd Words, including her Own Grandson’s Name, which we’re led to believe is KeAvion? Also, is T. working on a book called “My Grandson KeAvion”? I would love to read it if it’s anything like her comment. Could be a good movie, too. It’s been far too long since a grandparent came onto the entertainment scene with exciting tales like ‘The Time KeAvion Got a Common Virus’ or ‘The Time I Missed a Funeral and Made 100 Excuses About it on Facebook’. We all owe it to future generations to write our stories down for safe keeping. Otherwise, what will become of them?

3. Birthday Buddies

OMG what a coincidence. Amber’s dead fetus might’ve shared a birthday with little Kenny! They could have had shared birthday parties, been best friends, and maybe even one day been college roommates. It’s a damn shame that Amber miscarried. Truly saddening. No one understands that more than Nysa.

4. Mediocre Helper

‘Just think if’ is one of those expressions that can be applied to many things for no productive reason. For example, just think if S. could spell compassionate correctly. Just think if she could use her fucking brain before commenting on Facebook. Just think if she spent her time and energy focusing on building people up rather than tearing them down for their selfless decisions. Wouldn’t that be a revelation? Why cause M.’s head to hurt as much as her heart? R.I.P.little kitty. I am officially bummed out now.

To read more egregious deathjacker examples, check out my column over on Mommyish. It’s a real laugh riot!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Every now and then, I get a Gold Star submission that requires me to show a baby’sface (orhead) as a punchline. I don’t feel badly about this, mostly because every example I’ve posted has been amazing, but I’m not sure any has made me smile in earnest the way this one does. Even in light of the relentless hipster mustache craze, which I typically mock with all of my being, I found this picture funny. The submitter’s email said, “A friend of my brother’s just had a baby… Or a middle aged man. You be the judge!”, and I was surprisingly won over. 

This picture makes me so happy in its simplicity, especially since he really would look like Teddy Roosevelt with a monocle — which is precisely what sent me into a 20-minute clipart frenzy of decorating this baby’s face like my life depended on it. I have no regrets. I love this mustache baby and wish more babies had thick, creepy-uncle or man-with-a-van mustaches because it would be extremely entertaining. 

You think your Facebook friends want to see your newborn propped up on an alpaca blanket or “holding” a pair of wedding bands in their hands? They don’t — at least not compared to this. Save your high-end photographer dollars and just buy a pack of stick-on, felt facial hair clippings. Everyone wins! 

Congrats to Jamie and Lindy on their Gold Star and their presidential baby. This (recent) submission is from a while ago, so I’m guessing by now the baby looks more like a toddler Teddy Roosevelt and walks with a stick.

Related: Michael JacksonImpersonators 

(submitted by Anonymous)

This week on Mommyish, I posted a follow-up to an old column about moms who share too many details about their bodies on social media. I’ve got nothin’ but love for my sisters, but as I said on Mommyish, I don’t think social media should be a lady’s downfall. If you wouldn’t tell your next door neighbor about the state of your vagina, why would you tell all of Facebook? This subject perplexes me because I want to stand up for women being honest and forthright about their bodies — but not like this. Not in ways that would horrify my grandmother. Think, ladies, think! Do you want your friends to associate you with Gold Star-worthy updates or with updates about post-baby queefs? If your answer is the latter, then you’ll find yourself in good company in the rest of this post. 

1. One-Of-A-Kind

Unfortunately I don’t know what’s happened to Rhea since she wrote this update in 2012. She may be gassy from eating a black bean burrito, or she may be preparing to swaddle a little baby burrito. Either way, she’s got gas, because that’s just the kind of gal she is. Thanks for letting us know, Rhea. You’re not most people.

2. Gramps

A UTI is pretty commonplace, so some of you may think I’m being harsh by posting this. But you people are wrong. The only redeeming thing about Jennifer’s status update is ‘stomach gramps.’ That’s when your stomach feels like a grumpy old man who gives unsolicited advice. Other than that, Jennifer’s update could’ve just been shared with a friend over the phone while taking a relaxing bath and drinking a large glass of cranberry juice. 

3. O.o

Don’t you hate it when it feels like your vagina is going to fall off? Ugh, so annoying. It’s like carrying a purse that’s constantly slipping off your shoulder, or wearing backless shoes that are always sliding off your feet. Except, of course, in this case it’s your vagina. What can I say? Some vaginas are leaders, while other vaginas are followers. Would your vagina jump off a bridge if all her friends did, too? Maybe if her ligaments felt old and floppy she would. 

4. Tatas & Tities

Well damn, Jandi went and had herself an ‘I PREG!!!’ moment. Thankfully in this case, it turns out she’s not pregnant, which is good considering getting pregnant again would kill her. For now, she’s just got some lactating tatas and a missing period. Not too bad compared to certain death.

5. That Smell

Oh good god. Not since the rectal prolapse of 2011 have we gotten to know such intimate details about a person’s bowels. I don’t even think I know this much about my own bowels, but I guess that’s partly because I’ve never experienced what Meghan has described. And while I sympathize with her frustrations, I’m also like WHOA GIRL, you need to get yourself a bowels diary, because this shit is crazy. “Suction all of the bowel and discharge out”?? My mama didn’t raise me to talk about suctioning my asshole on the internet. And the worst thing about constipation updates is the way people feel obligated to update after they expel crap from their butt, as if Meghan was settling a bet her friends made on when the ice cream would make its way through her rectum. “Ten bucks says it’ll take her two days!” “Psshh, a dairy product like that? I give it an hour!” “Depends on when she last took her MiraLax!”

6. Mommyjacking

Haha! April sure knows how to get the respect she deserves from her kids. Seems the old C-section trick works on just about any occasion. Kids don’t want to clean their rooms? Threaten to flash them. Not eating all their vegetables? Tell them they’ll go to bed starving after catching an eyeful of mommy’s scar tissue. Lmao. Sometimes being a mom is just way too fun. ;)

For more corporal revelations you didn’t ever want to know about, check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

I’m not gonna lie to you fine people. Today’s post is harrowing. It makes ‘Poop In His Hair’ look like an amusement park game. It makes Poop Skating look like an acceptable leisure activity. If Tease & Reveal: Snake Edition is a trip to the zoo, today’s post is a trip to the least sanitary cafeteria one could ever imagine. Not that you’ve ever imagined something like this. No, you haven’t, unless you’re harboring a sick fetish that no one cares to know about — especially me.

I’ve been “saving” this submission for several months, occasionally spying it in my files and thinking, “No no no no no, I can’t post this, it’s too wrong. It’s NOT OKAY.” But today, something happened. I realized that if I don’t eliminate this waste (pun intended) from my files, I will be accidentally opening this picture forever, and I’m neither mentally nor physically prepared to do that. My mind and body cannot process this level of surprise any longer. I must set the submission free. Perhaps if I do that, I will one day know peace again. Or at the very least, I will be able to eat lunch again.

Okay now. Deep breaths. Inhale…exhale… Breathe iiiinnnnn…..and then ouuuttttt. Let’s take stock of what we’re looking at here. That white thing on the left is a plate. No doubt about that. It’s a fucking plate. And the package on the table is baby wipes. We know this. Already, these things do not go together. But then, atop what appears to be a green stool…? Is some fucking stool. If that green thing isn’t a stool then it’s another plate, but I’m pretty sure it’s a stool with stool, and it’s probably one of the grossest meal-time set-ups I’ve ever seen.

Maybe for all you poo-loving freaks out there, this is no big deal. Maybe to all you large dog-owning, human baby butt-wiping folks, this is just an average day in which one deals with large chunks of broken feces sitting in a place where they shouldn’t be. But to me, this picture is so crazy, I can hardly believe it exists. How anyone in her right mind could possibly reach for a camera and then post the results on Facebook is beyond my realm of understanding. At minimum, I’d see the plate as a sure sign that posting the picture would be a bad idea. Who chooses to show off a picture of shit that’s chillin’ next to a snack plate? What kind of cruel monster would expose this to her friends online and use the words “sloppy poo” in her photo caption? Thank god there’s nothing on that snack plate that I enjoy, like cheese and charcuterie. That would just make it worse. Although really, very little could come close to topping this.

Jackie, if you’re out there reading, I hate you.

Related: Butter Chicken 

(submitted by Anonymous)

A couple of years ago, I posted a picture of a couple standing in front of a “superimposed” sonogram of their baby, and I envisioned a whole new world of sonogram possibilities. “Sonogramabilities”? No. That doesn’t work. Anyway, my lesson in The Future continued as fetuses showed up in the funniest of places, like maternity pictures, creepy baby shower cakes, and on mountainsides.

Some people are so taken with their ultrasound photos, they blow them up really big to hang over their mantles as artwork. I’m fascinated by these trends, if only because I like weirdstuff, and I think having an obsession with sonograms makes about as much sense as having a “first trimester photo shoot” or throwing yourself multiple baby showers. The self-congratulatory celebrations can only go so far, right? I mean yes, babies are miracles (that are created every second of every day), but sometimes parents become “womb worshippers” who don’t know when to stop. Take, for instance, this picture of Katie’s baby’s room so far:

I don’t mean to trash someone’s idea of good art as I’m no real authority, but this is a pretty literal “expression” for a baby’s room. While most nursery decor tends to include whimsical mobiles or cute little hand-drawn pictures of friendly animals, Katie’s baby’s room has a nod to fetus development on flat black mattes. Mmmkay. If only we could see what the comments say. I’m guessing they probably read like this, because people are liars:

“Beautiful! Those black frames really set them off.”

“What a wonderful gift that your child will cherish forever. Keepsake treasures!”

“Those frames fill the wall nicely.”

“Holy moly, these are awesome. Do you make commissioned pieces, too, or can you pass along the name of the artist?”

“Best. Nursery. Ever.”

If you’re going to do something wacky to commemorate your soon-to-be-child’s existence, do it right. Don’t take yourself too seriously. Your friends will appreciate it, especially if they don’t have to avoid staring at magic eye-looking fetus pictures every time they come to your house. An approach like this works well:

This is super weird — so weird that I think I might love it. When people intentionally try to creep out their friends in their online baby announcement, I’m sold. 

Thanks for the inspiration, Ian. This is the first time a totally bizarre Photoshopped fetus has made me smile, then feel scared, and then smile again. You and Julie are all right in my book — unless of course you get these pictures printed large scale and hang them over the baby’s crib. That would be a little much. 

Related: Dad’s Gold Star - Sonogram Edition

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last week on Mommyish, I posted a column about non-sequiturjacking, which is a subject I’ve previously dedicated a round-up to on the blog. As mentioned, I can’t get enough of non-sequiturjackings because they make NO sense whatsoever or so little sense that it’s nearly impossible to resist their comedic charms — depending on your definition of “charms,” of course. If a submission comes my way and doesn’t include a picture of poop stuck to a child’s head, smeared on a child’s face, or sitting on a neon green stool, that automatically gives it appeal. But when a submission genuinely makes me laugh or say “What the ever-loving fuck?” out loud, then I can’t help but acknowledge its pizzazz. Especially when the non-sequiturjackers are so clueless or motivated by self-interest that they sound like squawking chickens. Here are some of my favorite recent examples of this most delightful form of mommyjacking:

1. Good Neighbors

Ummmm, Nicole? If you’re yelling at your kids to the point of neighbors calling the police, that probably means you have good neighbors. And if they don’t put a password on their wifi, that means that they’re exceptional neighbors, not that that has anything to do with your strange comment.

2. Vote Once a Day

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if Landen was really too cute to lose, he would win. Plus, everybody knows that the Gerber Generation Photo Search is THE baby contest of all baby contests, putting Landen’s chances at around 1 in 300,000. So, good luck I guess? I’m assuming Autumn didn’t drum up much support by hijacking Julie’s status update about spay and neutering animals. Not everyone can talk passionately about spay and neutering animals and still show an appreciation for vanity like Bob Barker.

3. Patience Cervix Is Thinning

Damn, Shelby, you’ve still got 13 days left and you’re already mommyjacking about your labor? Yeesh. Sorry girl, but no one cares about your thinningcervix right now. Danielle is sending out an SOS because she’s so busy, and you can’t even be bothered to spell “dilated” correctly? I hope by Day 13 you’ve at least figured that one out. It would also be helpful if you stopped talking about your thinning cervix on Facebook, but, you know…baby steps.

4. Big Talk

I’m sorry, what? Is K. related to Ann? And can a “heart attract” now officially be defined as what happens when you come home from a run and find a kid stabbing a snake with a knife? As in, “I’d love to join you for dinner, but unfortunately I’m still recovering from my earlier heart attract and scraping snake guts off my patio.”

5. Robojacker

I love everything about this submission, from “pac sun” (aka the most popular Stüssy mall retailer in the ’90s), to “firts job,” to Cory’s comment that could *technically* be in response to both Steph and Ana and perhaps was intended to be? Is there a reason Ana sounds like a bot? Is she human? I feel like this thread is one comment away from being about energy supplements. And that is definitely weird. 

Related: ClassicNon-SequiturJackings

To read more random non-sequiturjackings, including an example about “a bowl of mac and cheese” and “a damn soup ladle,” head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Ahh, another Sunday, another Parent Appreciation Holiday. This time around it’s Father’s Day, which gets celebrated on social media with an entirely different range of reactions than on Mother’s Day. On Mother’s Day, you’re a complete jerk if you don’t thank all the mamas (and all the mama’s mamas) for being selfless heroes, but on Father’s Day, anything goes! Newsfeeds become a smattering of “Love you!"s and “Fuck you!"s, and it’s perfectly acceptable to voice whichever “side" you’re on.

Don’t get me wrong, I know there are shitty dads out there. If there’s one thing daytime television has taught me, it’s that there are some dirty dog daddies in this world who would rather risk going to prison than pay child support or emotionally invest in their children. That said, it’s always a bit of a bummer when Father’s Day rolls around and social media turns into an “I hate my child’s father"-fest. And yet conversely, it’s equally annoying when people pile praise on their kid’s dad on Facebook, because it’s like, “Um, aren’t you guys sitting across the kitchen table from each other?" All in all, Father’s Day on social media is anything but one-note — if a little predictable. Let’s check out some dad-driven examples:

1. Cold Stone Love ♥

These two have a marriage filled with love, support, and sundaes. The good stuff. Scott’s comment may go down in history as my favorite sincere statement ever written on Facebook. It also made me kinda hungry.

2. The Thick Of It

If you post that something or someone is "covered in POOP!" (all caps), you shouldn’t follow it up with the expression “in the thick of it." Also, I’m not really seeing what’s been so hectic about F.’s day? It’s just because she spilled tea all on her new carpet? Who buys brand new light-colored carpet with a young child at home who’s capable of exploding diarrhea everywhere and then gets concerned with a tea stain? 

3. Acknowledgement Peeves

SNOT! Everyone knows kids are a part of our community and are not "half-people," and yet they still get treated like secondclasscitizens by restaurant servers. It’s outrageous! How many times do parents have to shout from the rafters Facebook, "Acknowledge our children or BE SHAMED!" before the general public wises up? And then for a server to not say “Happy Father’s Day" like some kind of MORON on top of ignoring a precious baby…well, that’s just unacceptable. There are certain things in a server’s job description that are non-negotiable — keeping water glasses full, bringing out food when it’s hot, smiling/waving/blowing kisses at adorable children — and it’s really sad that it’s the parents, not the restaurant managers, who have to point this stuff out.

4. Deadbeat Dads

Oh SNAP, Frank! Deadbeat Dads (<— awesome reality show concept) should start taking a back seat to deadbeat moms! Yeah! Right on! But until that happens, let’s all accept that there are some lazy motherfuckers who call themselves “fathers," and those men need to be properly discussed/abused on a day like Father’s Day. Bring the celebration down a little, I say! Sure, it’s nice to sit around and talk about the Boy Scout dads and the Little League dads and the dads who have always been there for their kids, but let’s remember to pay homage to the deplorable dads, too. They deserve recognition and online hostility.

5. “Court Ordered" Weekends

This submission is from last year, and I’d like to say that I hope things have improved since then. When you’re talking about your ex’s “bedtime buddy" and putting legal terms like “court ordered" in “quotes" on Facebook, I feel as though I’ve reached Crazyville’s city limits. Granted, it’s not as bad as outfitting your kid in a shirt that says ‘My Daddy SUCKS,’ but it’s verging on the same territory.

6. MommiesJacking

Sarah, I don’t think anyone is forgetting the mommies who do double duty, but that’s why mothers have this special holiday called Mother’s Day. It happened a little over a month ago. Look into it!

7. There’s a Sign for That

Last but not least, and to really beat it into your heads that Father’s Day is a fine enough holiday for good dads, but is really total bullshit considering the number of women who raise their kids without any support, here’s the handy banner Sara posted for her friends:

It’s that last line that gets me. Positive reinforcement is important, but mommyjacking Father’s Day isn’t the answer. Remember, folks: It’s just another Sunday. Don’t let it go to your head. Buy yourselves some beer and a few pairs of socks and call it a day.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last Sunday was Father’s Day, and in honor of the occasion I dedicated my Mommyish column to Gold Star Dads the same way I dedicated my Mother’s Day column (and blog post) to Gold Star-winning Moms. I like this tradition of giving props, because Gold Star submissions are fun to read and intrinsically good-natured. The post I’m putting up after this one is pretty much the opposite of those things, so enjoy the laughs while you can. Here are the top picks for this year’s Dad’s Gold Star Father’s Day (well, post-Father’s Day) Round-Up:

1. DIY Card

Once again, I find an excuse to cite Swingy Dong and his best mate Jetpack Banana Thrower Dong. I will never tire of this. (Sorry.) Zachary’s card is legendary and is exactly why handmade cards are 1000% better than Hallmark cards. Hallmark doesn’t make cards about the “sword bond" between fathers and sons, probably for legal reasons, which leaves a major gap in the marketplace. Thankfully, Zachary took matters into his own hands (so to speak) and found a way to convey to his dad how much he really cares. I hope this year’s card is as frame-worthy as this one. The kid’s got a great future ahead of him, either as a controversial cartoonist or as a pornographic knight. 

2. Discount Surprise

This submission actually made me L out L. Brian is the kind of dad who takes an unwanted iPhone purchase made by a toddler and turns it into a funny joke that inspires other funny jokes. Why can’t everyone on Facebook be like this? I don’t know what Brian looks like, but I’m guessing "The Rachel" (with highlights!) is going to look fabulous on him. (FYI the Wiki page for “The Rachel" is very informative.)

3. Life Lessons

ZING. Michael’s kid rendered him speechless and thirsty at bedtime, prompting a status update that’s refreshingly unapologetic. The most grating thing is when a parent writes an update like Michael’s and ends with a lame flourish like, “Don’t worry, fellow parents, I explained that he’ll have to wait a few more years!" or, “Don’t worry, fellow parents, we don’t typically drink beer in front of the kids!" I see that kind of thing all the time and it actually drives ME to drinking. Nothing makes me want a cocktail more than a sanctimonious parent backpedalling on a joke in order to save face. Fortunately Michael is so laser-focused on cracking a cold one that he’s not remotely concerned about such perceptions.

4. Lookalikes

We’ve seen Katherine as Gollum. We’ve seen a baby with the hair of Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg. We even saw a fetus that slightly resembled John Ratzenberger. And now we’ve got a John Waters-inspired mustache created by eating Oreo cookies. The only thing that would make this better is if she happened to be wearing an audacious blazer with a necktie. 

5. States of Matter

Last but not least, let’s check out what young Audrey’s education has taught her about natural science:

1. Audrey’s dad has gas.

2. Audrey’s cat is a ‘solid’. 

The best part of her fart drawing is probably the picture of Audrey’s mom (?) telling Audrey’s dad that he should stop farting. Gas is no laughing matter, people. Except, of course, when it is.

Related: Dad’s Week and Father of the Year Dadisms

To read more Dad’s Gold Star submissions, check out my Father’s Day column over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Hello, there! Long time no post. Last week, I mentioned that the next post wouldn’t be all rainbows and butterflies, and that’s because the following submissions were written by a woman scorned. I try not to focus too much on mental breakdowns, but every now and then I get a submission ‘batch of crazy’ worth sharing. Brenda is an excellent example of this. Except in the case with Brenda, I was merely shining a light on someone who deserves her own reality show. I wasn’t necessarily saying, “Check out this angry lady who has real problems." Today, however, is a slightly different story.

The woman in the below examples not only wants to malign her ex, but she’s oddly chosen to do so from her teen daughter’s Facebook account. This post was originally going to be part of the Father’s Day round-up of posts, so apologies for the delay and strange timing. Every year, I dedicate at least one post to the depressing subject of "deadbeat dads" around Father’s Day, because relationship/spousal bashing is one of the crappiest yet most entertainingways that parents use social media. It’s a Maury episode playing out in real time, and it’s happening to someone who’s not you. There’s a deeply satisfying and sort of guilty appreciation that comes from reading Facebook tirades. We all have “a story to tell." For some people, it’s a steady stream of content that makes their lives look more awesome than they really are. And for others, it’s the exact opposite. 

I’m not arguing the validity of Purple’s statement. Her kids’ father should wake up, pay child support, and do his part, goddammit. But why would Purple post this from her daughter’s Facebook account? Also WHY DOES SHE HAVE TO SCREAM AND NOT USE PUNCTUATION

Is ORTHER ORTHER supposed to sound like a seal barking? Because that’s how it sounds in my head. It’s too bad Purple’s reaction to being called out for impersonating her daughter is “they know how he is," because the only acceptable answer is, “Oh shit. I posted this from my daughter’s account? I had no idea." Instead, she’s like, “Yeah well I’ve been telling them how terrible there their father is every day since they were born so it’s not a big surprise. They know his problems are coming back to hit him in the face. I tell them over breakfast every morning."

"I AM THE MOM AND DAD TOO. MY DAUGHTER IS HAPPY I AM USING HER FACEBOOK ACCOUNT TO BASH HER DEADBEAT DAD. NONE OF THE BUSINESS THAT I POST FROM HER ACCOUNT IS ANY OF YOUR BUSINESS. STAY OUT OF MY BUSINESS YOUR COMMENTARY IS NOT REQUESTED BYE"

The most effective way to get a deadbeat dad to step up and do his job is to yell at him on Facebook through your child’s account. It seems to be working out well for Purple, *and* this way relatives on both sides of the family will see the updates. Men need to be taught there their lessons and the more publicly those lessons are taught, the faster they learn. Soon, there might even be books and weekend-long seminars about how to shame your ex into paying child support on Facebook, because THAT’S how effective it is. Just ask Purple’s daughter’s friends. They’ll tell you.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Before I post a series of images that you will never, ever forget, allow me to apologize for taking a little time away from the site. I know the past few months have been like, “Yo, WTF is going on with this blog?", but I’m working hard to get back to bringing you daily posts filled with horrific poo splatters and sanctimommies galore. Taking a break from posting on a blog that typically has daily content has been weird, especially because I want everyone to know how dedicated I am to being the arbiter of parent overshare — and not just because it sounds fancy at dinner parties to tell people that I sift through pictures of bloodyorgans all day (humblebrag!). It’s because the people who read this site are awesome, and the emails you guys send clearly spell out a need for this site in the larger conversation about social media and why some parents are so incredibly annoying. So, if you’ll accept my lack-of-posts apology, I will happily continue to make your wildest dreams come true by writing posts about mamadrama, umbilical cords yanked into animal shapes (which could totally be a trend), and, of course, the many mommyjackers among us (<— title of a future Lifetime movie). 

Speaking of trends, it’s been a whole year since I posted the first Maternity Pics Round-Up, and my-oh-my have I received some bizarre submissions since then! As I wrote before, “wacky" maternity pictures are kind of gimmicky, not to mention errrrwhere on the internet, so I tend to stockpile the submissions and focus on other types of posts. But not today, my friends! Today it’s Round Two, and yes I fully intend to smack you in the face (metaphorically) with some bulging bellies that deserve formal recognition for the way(s) in which they were displayed online.

This isn’t about “body shaming"; it’s about trying to understand why some women choose to show off their bodies the minute they get pregnant, as if their friends are suddenly interested in checking them out. After all, it’s one thing to post a profile shot of your clothed, growing belly, which many friends and family are usually happy to see, and it’s another to post stylized, semi-(or full) nude photos in an effort that screams “I am a goddess!" Sure, every woman who carries a baby is a “goddess," but that doesn’t mean I want to see my goddess friend’s naked belly, possibly draped in pink chiffon or in an extreme close-up. A growing belly is beautiful, but it can also be jarring, especially when Photoshop is involved. Let’s check out some examples. (You can also see several more examples over on Mommyish in my latest column!)

1. Baseball Stitching

Words Jennifer’s friends used to describe this picture: Amazing, cute, cool. Words I’d use to describe this picture: Terrifying, grim, basket catch. The only connections I see are the round baseball/belly shape and nine innings/nine months of gestation. Everything else makes me want to swear off technology and live in a Wifi-free forest. Anything to ensure that I’ll never have to see this image again, which, by the way, probably won’t happen considering this is one of three baseball belly submissions that I’ve received in recent weeks.

2. HaTeRz

Mmmm. Nothing gets me in the mood like a little spaghetti-in-the-dark and the seminal 1995 classic "Dangerous Minds." Kimberly is truly living in a gangster’s paradise. And just in case you didn’t believe that Jack rubbed coconut oil all over her belly, she provided a picture! Very romantic :)

3. Confederate Glory

I had a few of these Confederate flag maternity pictures to choose from, but I went with this one because there’s such a nice contrast between the loving belly-cradling and a flag that’s most often described as an inflammatory symbol of hate. One of the other pictures had a comment that said, “behind every good woman is a rebel," so I *think* I’m supposed to say, “Good on ya, girl! Way to take pride in your belly by taking pride in your Southern roots!", but instead I think I’ll just make a donation to the ACLU.

4. NO WORDS (or clothes)

I’ve been told these ladies are sisters, but does their relationship really matter? No. All that matters is that their bodies are hairless and they’re standing back-to-back like ’90s homies. Kinda like Blossom and her best friend Six, except instead of wearing oversized flower hats, they’re wearing nothing. I guess there are still flowers, but they look like a giant prom corsage, making this the worst fake prom picture ever. 

5. How Are These Maternity Pictures?

Pop quiz: Would you rather see a professional picture of two naked sisters who are visibly pregnant OR a series of amateur shots of a naked couple celebrating a pregnancy that’s just four months along? Before you answer, consider the placement of each woman’s tattoos.

6. Semi Pro Fotos =]

You know what’s better than seeing a picture of your friend lying on a bed, wrapped in pink satin and chiffon, and exposing her pregnant belly with a “come hither" look on her face? Seeing a whole collection of images that match that description! An album that looks like a contact sheet is *far* preferred to a single image, especially since it’d be nearly impossible to narrow down this series to just one picture. 

I’m a little saddened for Steffanee here because these images don’t do her justice. Her arms are positioned over her head as though she’s in a moment of surrender, and the angles aren’t very good. I’m sure she’ll treasure the pictures for years to come, but I’m not so sure her friends feel the same way. She’s basically wearing a baby pink midriff-baring toga. Carrie Bradshaw-meets-maternity boudoir-meets Facebook. 

Sometimes it’s better to just go “pro."

PS: Does anyone else think it looks like she’s wearing a deconstructed version of Andie’s dress in "Pretty in Pink"? There is NO WAY Duckie or Blane would have approved of these maternity pictures.

7. Mom’s Gold Star aka The Dad Belly Trend

The "dad belly"trend really took off last year, which means by now it’s been pretty played out. HOWEVER, I like this one because, A) Nearly every other example I’ve seen says "beer" instead of "double-stuffed Oreos," showing exactly where this guy’s heart lies, and B) Their porch looks so damn inviting. They look fun and likeable, which is exactly how I would define the elusive non-annoying maternity picture. So many people get it wrong, I must salute the ones who get it right.

For more maternity picture DON’Ts, head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

I’ve received a lot (like alot a lot) of Royal Baby submissions, which I have gingerly filed into several categories in-between toasts to the new and important bundle of joy. But first, let’s skip the pleasantries and talk about what’s really on the public’s mind: Car seat straps. 

Yesterday, William and Kate left the hospital and brought baby George home after quickly introducing him to the entire world. You know how it is when you leave the hospital after delivering royalty — it’s totes crazeballs and everyone’s fixated on what the baby looks like and smells like and, most importantly, whether he had delayed cord clamping and a safe transition.

But some people are concerned about something else entirely, which is where William and Kate fall on the idiot spectrum on the Car Seat Crusader Scale Of Indignation™. Car seat crusaders are — as we know— a mighty and determined bunch who assess everything from the type of car seat to the way a baby is buckled in, and in case you didn’t know, William and Kate failed their initial test HARD. 

Of course, the new parents left the hospital in front of hundreds (technically millions) of watchful eyes, so they were probably just like, “Let’s get the hell out of here and we’ll deal with the car seat once our convoy begins driving 6mph back to the palace," which seems reasonable enough. But to the crusaders, this act of ignorance is a total disgrace.

A few people commenting on Buzzfeed weren’t very impressed.

The TODAY Show’s Facebook page got sassy.

But worst of all, some assholes decided to bring up Princess Diana’s death, because that’s the appropriate and logical response to this car seat abomination.

Megan sounds like she’d be super fun on a road trip. Although technically she’s not the official Car Seat Lady, who had similar thoughts.

There’s no time like the present to rehash a tragic accident from the past! Why focus on the Royal Baby’s birth when we can use Princess Diana’s death to prove a point and get some Facebook shares? As the old expression goes, “Safety first. Scolding second. Third, talk shit about a tragedy to get everyone’s attention." Luckily, there are some car seat crusaders out there who think that’s taking things a bit too far.

Thanks for pressing the brakes, Holly. You’re one of the good ones.

Be sure to stay tuned for Royal Baby Madness, Part II! It’ll be a real laugh riot.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Hello, everyone! Before putting up Part II of the Royal Baby Madness (that I’ve had *litrally* no time to post this week), I wanted to post a quick round-up of this week’s best links. Why? Well, because we all deserve it, just as this site deserves the L&T (love and attention) that it’s going to get when I pull my head out of my arse and resume daily posts.

As an apology of sorts, I posted the above example which is NOT a STFUP original but rather an amazing screenshot posted on Imgur. Like the famous line from Jerry Maguire, this screenshot completes me. I feel immense joy, slight fear, and a strange sense of calm as I allow the words “It turned out to be gas." wash over me. Something tells me you guys might feel the same way? Let’s hold hands around a campfire and sing songs about gas together, as this screenshot has the magical ability to connect us all. But first, let’s check out some news, as well as some “news," ‘cause this is the internet:

• America takes entertainment to the next level with a possible new reality show in the works about a single dad with 22 kids from 14 different moms. Brilliant, I say! [Huffington Post]
• "He thinks this sweet, fatty milk product would be perfect for a creamy mushroom pasta sauce. This disgusts me." Emily Yoffe aka Dear Prudence answers a question about breast-milk as a “locally sourced" ingredient, beginning with the line, “Your husband sounds insane." [Slate]
• This article that advises parents (and future parents) not to get a dog received resulted in over 400 comments of pure rage on the STFUP FB page. There were also 4,000+ comments left on the actual article. Yikes! [Slate]
• Here is a picture of a "tasteful water birth" that’s so wrong that it’s right and then it’s wrong again. I’m impressed. [IWSMT]
• The woman had acted in a ‘rude and inappropriate manner - including insisting on interrupting staff when in the middle of meetings, speaking over people, haranguing them, and on occasion screaming at them.’" Okay, this lady sounds fun. [Daily Mail]
• Drew Magary, Dadspin whisperer and GQ correspondent, wrote nine simple rules fornaming a baby. [GQ]
• A little girl’s rage face became a meme, and at least 97% of its success is owed to her ridiculous headband. [GMA]
• Mothers are experiencing "birthday party ‘DIY stress’" which is like being in a Pinterest K-hole of total isolation and despair. (But it’s cost-effective!) [Today Moms]
• Chuck Kolsterman aka The New York Times Ethicist answered a question about ‘T.M.B. (Too Much Baby)’ in this week’s column. He basically sides with the parents, leading me to believe he’s never seen anythinglikethis in his newsfeed. You’re in for a rude awakening one day, Mr. Klosterman. [NYT]
• Finally, a mother left a "Please Stop Masturbating On The Towels" sign for her 13-year-old son, and all the dudes on Reddit bowed their heads in shame. Just kidding, everyone started talking about lotion, ‘load shirts’, and a bunch of scenes that went something like this. Hey, it’s Reddit. [The Frisky]

I’ll be back with new posts starting first thing on Monday. Until then, I hope everyone has a great weekend! You can also check out my new Summertime Posting Tips column over on Mommyish. 

This week’s round-up is sponsored by Hollywood Psychics, a site that provides honest answers for a better life. Recently, Hollywood Psychics launched a video series called ‘Diapers on my Crystal Ball,’ which is a truly excellent name for a video series (or a mom garage band). And no, there’s not a psychic peering into poopy diapers to read someone’s fortune, although that *sounds* like something that will exist any day now. Instead, it’s an earnest take on parenting that blends humor and candor in short clips based on weekly themes. Check out the series right here, or you can go to the main site for a new video every Thursday.

It’s taken me so long to put together this Royal Baby Part II post, I’m pretttyyy sure Kate Middleton is pregnant again. Ha ha, I kid. But if that were biologically possible, it would be an absolute *delight* for the media and the millions of people who have clamored for news about BPG (Baby Prince George) since William and Kate were married. So, in the spirit of feeding the public’s never-ending appetite for all things Royal Baby, I’ve compiled a selection of submissions that showcase what happens when the entire Western world obsesses over one woman’s Royal Uterus. (You can also read the column I wrote about all the BPG attention over on Mommyish!)

1. Constant Chatter

The day Kate went into labor, that thing happened where everyone online talks about the same subject (e.g. election results, a trial verdict, the Oscars, a super dope rainbow in an urban city) — except in this case, it lasted for a million boring hours and involved labor and delivery. It was like the overshare tables were turned, and instead of William and Kate obsessing over their experience, everyone else was obsessing over them. One submitter sent me the following screenshots and asked, “Am I just going to have to stop following everyone in my Twitter feed?”

Thanks for chiming in, Flea. 

Zach Braff: A Douchebag’s Douchebag. 

For what it’s worth, Liza often tweets in CAPS and is very much a supporter of the progressive women’s movement. HOWEVER, I DON’T THINK SHE NEEDED TO MAKE THIS PLACENTA JOKE BECAUSE WHAT’S THE POINT OF COMPARING PLACENTAS WITH A ROYAL DUCHESS? KINDA WEIRD IF YOU ASK ME.

2. All Up In Kate’s Bidness

Yes, CNN featured a BREAKING NEWS item about Kate’s vaginal delivery. Sanctimommies everywhere rejoiced and re-posted stories about the Royal Vaginal Birth on Facebook (with a side of self-righteousness, of course):

This all sounds great, except for the part where Shira basically says that women who don’t have natural births don’t know their own power. That part makes me feel like I’m chewing glass. Plus, you know a sanctimommy“celebration” is never REALLY a celebration. Just as soon as a natural birth is praised, questions about breastfeeding begin to dominate the conversation:

It does, doesn’t it, Jay? Maybe if we’re all very lucky, Kate will give birth to baby #2, and we’ll be treated to a reality competition in which women vying to be the Duchess’s wet nurse will participate in a series of obstacles, all while nursing or pumping. There could even be a live studio audience, like on Double Dare! Mary can be an executive producer.

At some point in the Royal Baby coverage, people either began viewing the over-reporting as a joke, OR they got super serious and further zeroed in on the significance of the birth. You’re either an Adinne or an Anisoara, which is sort of like being a “Carrie” or a “Miranda” in the context of Royal Baby news.

3. “My baby is royalty, too! LOL”

Ha ha ha, so many people made jokes about their babies being royalty, and it never got old. Not even once. Especially not when Becky posted this glorious stream of consciousness:

Take a nap, Becky. 

So everyone who has a son has a prince, and those faux princes are all cuter, more alert, and have higher APGAR scores than the Royal Baby. Got it. (Side note: Isn’t playful competition among parents adorable?)

4. Royal Name Drama

Some parents were scared the Royal Couple would give their baby the same nameas their kid, to the point of convincing themselves that a name like “Alexander” is uncommon. Fortunately for Sarah, the Royal Baby was not named Alexander, and fortunately for the rest of us, Sarah’s friends are entertaining. You know Will and Kate are totally gonna call George 'Lord Tywin' when it’s just the three of them hanging out watching a GoT marathon.

5. Royal Baby Missed Connections

There’s really nothing wrong with a status update like this, other than it causing my eyes to roll out of their sockets. I know that every parent thinks his/her kidis awesome, but it’s for that precise reason that updates like this make me slightly queasy. Without knowing Carey at all, I would’ve put down money that her kid is the most awesome kid she knows. In fact, I’m guessing she already told everyone about how awesome her kid is the day before BPG was born, and now here she is reaffirming it today, like when couples renew their vows one year after getting married.

6. Royal Babyjacking

How many times do you think Maggie did this the day the Royal Baby was born? Let’s hope it was just once, which keeps it in “comedic” territory. Two or more ‘dec 6!!!’-jackings and Maggie’s got issues.

Speaking of issues, this is probably my favorite Royal Baby submission I received, simply because Toni is so clueless:

It’s submissions like these that keep me going y’all. Such perfection couldn’t be made up if I tried. What’s Toni supposed to do, anyway? Ignore an opportunity to share a purely coincidental experience that she has in common with British royalty? No.

7. Grandma’s Gold Star

Marjorie may be polluting her young Granddaughter’s mind with negative commentary about Royal Baby Madness, but I tip my hat to her. I got sick of it, too, and am now officially closing this chapter of BPG coverage. Until, of course, Kate gets “caught” giving George a bottle, or using a sub-par baby carrier, or — heaven forbid — posting poop pics on her Facebook page, which would be a tragedy. Then I suppose we could obsess even more. In the meantime, let’s just be glad she had the BEST BIRTH EVER!!! and go about our regular lives.

To get a final dose of Royal Baby Madness, check out my column on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last week on Mommyish, I wrote a column in honor of World Breastfeeding Week, as I do every year. And as I do every year, I’ll quickly point out that I don’t actively pump my engorged ‘Breastfeeding’ submissions folder because I’m terrified of lactivists. As a supporter of breastfeeding (inasmuch as I’m a fan of sustaining life), I know that talking shit about people who discuss it online could be viewed as more harmful than helpful. Especially since I can’t possibly understand what it’s like to be discriminated against just for feeding a tiny helpless hungry baby at the gym/sushi restaurant/Drake concert/absinthe bar.

That said, I learned to own my anti-breastfeeding-TMI feelings a long time ago, and I refuse (REFUSE!) to be bullied by scary women who think that breastfeeding is next to godliness. Or, goddessness, or whatever the appropriate lingo is. Yes, it’s magical free food, but it’s not at the top of my (or most people’s) list of things to read about or see on social media. Perhaps I should just go with the flow, but I’d rather read stale Chuck Norrisjokes than stuff likethis, and I don’t think I’m alone in that thinking. Check out this year’s breast best breastfeeding submissions and let me know if I’m just being a boob.

1. 2 Girls, 1 Cup

K. is thisclose to setting up a LeakCam for her friends to watch in real time. Why miss out on all the action or read boring text updates when K.’s friends could watch her fill various cups with breast milk faster than they can say 'galactopoiesis'? Who knows, it might even lead to a web series. Picture it: Several women sitting around discussing the issues of the day a la The View, but lactating! It’ll be called The Leak, and there will be many terrible NSA jokes. Jenny McCarthy can guest host.

2. Sweet Breast Milk Baby Breath aka SBMBB

I’m always amused by the "sweet breast milk baby breath" updates because it’s kind of like a woman saying, “Do I smell good or what?" I mean I get it — your baby smells like freshly-baked bread that rolled around in fairy dust after drinking a batch of the finest unpasteurized milk that a mama’s breasts have to offer, but really, it’s not worthy of a Facebook update. Just the word “breath” sounds hot and steamy and worth avoiding. Also, "…and only mom" is something you might read in a breastfeeding-themed Hallmark card. Michelle, you may need a SBMBB detox.

3. Milk Drunk

"Milk drunk! Milk drunk! CHUG! CHUG! CHUG!" is all I hear in my head when I read about parents obsessing over nursing their children. I hate the term ‘milk drunk,’ and I don’t want to read about a baby’s eyes "rolling to the back of his head" in ecstasy. That’s what happens to me every time I eat delicious pork buns but you don’t see me writing about it on Facebook now do you??

Purple is so pleased with herself, she actually typed the words “drowsily grins around your nipple” on Facebook like that’s an acceptable way to chat with your pals.

Purple’s friend: “What’d you do today? I had a bagel, went to work, hit the gym, and then watched a movie.”

Purple: “Oh, not too much, I just provided love, nourishment, and contentment to my baby and watched her drowsily grin around my nipple.” 

No.

The 'Got Milk?' expression *might* be more annoying than ‘milk drunk,’ although this is a debate I’ll probably have with myself for years. Nothing thrills a nursing mother more than a picture of a kid with a breast milk mustache or milk dribbling down her chin. Not even a stack of freshly washed cloth diapers. 

4. Calling Bullshit On Formula Sanctimommies

Thanks, Holly — and Stephanie, and Leigh — for your comments! But fuck off, Camarie and Megan. You ladies aren’t doing anyone any favors by acting like cows about baby formula. Okay, so maybe formula is a little gross in the sense that it’s sour-smelling (as opposed to breast milk which smells like fields of lavender, as previously established), and you have to shake it up like you would a protein shake, but other than that it’s not really so bad. As a matter of fact, it keeps babies alive! Millions of them! The only debate dumber than “stay-at-home vs. working moms” is “breastfeeding vs. formula-feeding moms.” I’m all for breastfeeding advocacy, but the common goal parents share of keeping a baby alive really shouldn’t be a competition.

Oh snap! Jill’s serving it up to Sarah fresh and hot! If only she’d slung a little shit over to Tabitha and Kelley, her comment would’ve been even more perfect. The way Kelley writes “WHAT OF IT” tells me everything I’d ever want to know about her. That reactive CAPS LOCK nature in response to a discussion about breastfeeding marks a certain brand of hostility that I prefer to avoid. She and Sarah can be “latched-but-unhinged” together in front of a Nieman Marcus or wherever the latest nurse-in protest is being held. I’ll stick with ladies like Jill and Joelle.

5. Throwing Away Breast Milk = Your Dog Getting Hit By a Car

Hey, thanks a lot stupid fucking gnat. Not only did you ruin Red’s breast milk and her child’s chances of benefiting from all those nutrients, you also inspired her to compare dumping 3 oz. of milk to watching a dog get hit by a car. Now she sounds depressed and completely unsympathetic. 

6. Nutrient-Rich, Visually Blinding

Mmmmmm colostrum. “Looks like earwax, tastes like your mom.” And just look at how well it cleans up for picture day! Talk about taking "express yourself" to the next level. “Excuse me, Ms. Colostrum? We’re ready for your close-up.”

7. Show-Offs

Unconditional love is: harsh lighting, black & white photography, cursive fonts, and a Facebook profile pic of sideboob. The unfortunately named ‘Justus’ is a delightfully trashy addition to this display of wholesome affection. #MommyandRuru4Lyfe

Last but not least, we have a picture that caused my nipples to temporarily invert. Holy Mother Of Areolas, this photo makes my chest hurt. Why would anyone share this on Instagram, a photo app known for its abundance of sunsets? Who among us takes a picture of a child using a nipple as a chew toy and uploads it to share with the world? I’ll tell you who: hardcore breastfeeding advocates who should probably re-think their updates if they can’t keep their kid’s nipple-chewing to themselves. It may pain some women to hear that, but not more than this photo pains me to see. Oh god, does it pain me. Ouch!

For more breastfeeding etiquette tips, head over to Mommyish to read my column! Thankfully, it’s free of nipple-tugging. Still some sideboob, though. You know how it goes.

(submitted by Anonymous)

A couple days ago, I posted the World Breastfeeding Post-Week Round-Up, and yesterday I posted a link on Facebook to a Guardian poll titled ‘Is breastfeeding in a public swimming pool ‘unhygienic’?’ The responses to both have been pretty charged, so I figured I’d put up one more breastfeeding post to close out the trifecta before moving on to Back-To-School posts. This time, I’m focusing purely on one aspect of breastfeeding overshare: The pumpdate.

As most people know (and as I have painfully imagined), breast-pumping is a boring, physically uncomfortable regimen that’s totally sacrificial. A woman pumps…and pumps…and pumps…until her breasts feel like they’ve been through a car wash, sometimes for just a few ounces of milk. And yes, that’s a grind (so to speak) that breastfeeding mothers endure in order to provide their babies with precious liquid gold. It’s woman vs. machine, all in the name of sustenance. Amen.

The problem is, just because a woman is pumping and sacrificing doesn’t mean anyone cares about it. Or rather, it doesn’t mean everyone cares about it, the same way most people don’t care to see daily pictures of their friends’ dinner or read constant exercise app updates. Unfortunately, the subject of today’s post, Cara, hasn’t gotten the message, and she’s developed a pretty serious pumpdate addiction that’s driven at least one friend to the brink of insanity. Here’s a small sampling of what your newsfeed would look like if you were friends with Cara:

1. The story begins here.

2. Cara gets bored when she pumps.

3. She commiserates with her friends.

4. She feels a bit cow-like.

5. Cara and her husband have pumping in common.

6. Who’s a pumper with a sense of humor? THIS GIRL!

Most likely, Jessi is a crazy-eyed sanctimommy who’s just as enthused, if not more so, about pumping as Cara is. And yet a part of me is still convinced she was having a seizure as she typed all those exclamation points. One can only read so many pumpdates before mentally combusting. Especially when those pumpdates descend to knock-knock joke status. That’s when you know you’ve gone too far.

(submitted by Anonymous)