There’s been a lot of recent talk about how much stuff kids receive on holidays, and in my experience running this site, that “crap tally” continues to rise. Interestingly, a lot of the parents whose children are spoiled (either by them or their families) say the reason their kids are spoiled is because they were spoiled as kids, too, and their kids deserve the same special treatment that they got. Parents want to give their child every Tootsie Roll, every chocolate bunny, and every tablet computer they remember receiving in the ’70s and ’80s. But um, really? Melissa and Jason got THIS much stuff for Easter as kids?:

I don’t think they MADE chocolate in those sizes 30 years ago. Last I checked, kids grew up receiving individual baskets for their treats, but most of this stuff won’t even fit in a basket. In fact, that puny blue container looks positively anemic compared to the smiling rabbit army that’s going to haunt my dreams. I’m not sure what’s scarier — having to look at all of those rabbit faces or attempting to eat them. And I think the upright plastic bin of eggs is officially tall enough to ride a roller coaster.

The weirdest thing is that no one ever mentions that this candy could be given away to kids who didn’t get anything for Easter (not even a 4-ft. tall gold egg shipped straight from Willy Wonka’s factory!). It’s like these parents would rather just set up all of their kids’ shit in a massive stack of candy wealth, practically creating a Candy Kingdom for the kids to play in, than donate the goods or - god forbid - tell their relatives to keep it because the kids just don’t need it. What’s up with that?

Lol, neither can I, lady. I know I didn’t celebrate Easter much growing up, but I thought the whole point of the holiday was to reflect on Jesus, and miracles, and some other stuff involving the salvation of all mankind. Since when did that include a heap of stuffed animals, toys, books, and Mr. Bubble? (Nothing against Mr. Bubble, or books for that matter.) The proverbial Easter basket is completely dwarfed in that toy explosion, and it’s actually a pretty big basket.

Last but not least, we have an Easter fit for a princess. Just like Jesus would’ve wanted for all the little girls. 

This doesn’t even look that crazy compared to the above monstrosities, does it? And that’s precisely how we’ve arrived at this point in society. “Enough” is never enough. Suddenly, gifting a dollhouse, a throne, a table stand, and a solitary basket of goodies looks modest. Jeeeez, Megan, way to *think* you’re good at spoiling your daughter. Do you even know what spoiling is? I hope you figure it out by Christmas! Until then, you’ve got eight full months to shop.

Related: Easter Mama Drama, Christmas Spoiled Edition, Baby Raiden (Christmas), Baby Raiden (Easter), Birthday Round-Up

(submitted by Anonymous)

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote a column for Mommyish about polite ways to get your friends off your back about having a baby. This is a subject I’m often emailed about, and one popular question is, “Do you ever get submissions where someone tells off a mommyjacker?” I kind of sense that people ask with a gleam in their eye, and they want me to write back, “You bet your sweet ass I do!” Since most people don’t feel comfortable telling friends and family to STFU when they get mommyjacked, there’s always the hope that somewhere out there, someone else has. 

So today, on the eve of the STFU, Parents Book coming out, let’s take a look at some examples of people standing up to their mommyjackers. If there was such a thing as Facebook self-defense classes, this is the stuff the instructors might teach. To anyone out there who’s considered asking a friend, sister, co-worker, or Farmville farmer about the state of her uterus: Don’t. And to anyone who been hammered with baby questions (whether you plan on having kids or not), this round-up is for you. Here are 5 ways to talk to a mommyjacker:

1. New Adventures

Blue slays me with her enthusiasm. “Haha! I would probably develop a debilitating addiction to painkillers, ”forget” to pick up the kids after school in the hopes that someone else might raise them, and then run away from it all and change my name!” Nice try, Purple.

2. Try It With Kids 

Oh SNAP, Holly. It’s like April shot you with a few pellets, and you casually threw back a grenade. It’s the comment equivalent of nipping something in the bud. “No thanks, I’ll just keep going to the DMV, grocery store, and dentist without any kids in tow.” Can’t really argue with that.

3. Logical Conclusions

I hope Jori let out a long, throaty chortle before she responded to Karen’s comment. “Hahahaha oh HAIL no.” I can think of at least 4000 instances in which I’ve had the same thought. Amirite, ladies???

4. Don’t Complain About Being Tired (Unless You Have Kids)

OH TRIPLE SNAP. Joan and Ryan are both teachers, and Jennie done messed with the wrong education department. Don’t start complaining about a sick baby around a teacher, especially a drama or music teacher, because you will get shut down. “Try 40 kids, muffin,” I can practically hear them sneering back. Yawn. When are we going to stop turning “tired” into a competition?

5. The Opposite Of Mommyjacking

Finally, for good measure, let’s bask in the glory that is the anti-mommyjacker, i.e. someone who seeks out opportunities to remind her friends that she doesn’t have kids. What do call that? A childfreejacker? Pretty perfect for April Fool’s Day. Tough blow, Rose. Vida got you good.

Related: Mommyjacking Marathon - Wait Til You Have Kids and Have a Kid!

Don’t forget to read my column on Mommyish about the various ways to get your friends off your back on Facebook!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Well, it finally happened. I know I’ve mentioned it several times (or what may feel like 1000 times), but I wrote a book about parent overshare, and TODAY is the day it came out! After many months of laboring, I’ve given birth to the most darling little book you ever did see. Yes, I had a lotus birth, so right now it’s just me, my book baby, and my book baby’s nutrient-rich life source sitting in a bowl, passing the time. Seriously, if you’ve never given birth to a book, you cannot possibly understand the love I’m experiencing right now. Every time I look into my book baby’s eyes pages, I burst out laugh-crying with joy. Such a sweet angel!

It took four years of blogging, over 15,000 submissions, and a dozen or so eye bleaches for us to get to this point — but before I tell you about the book and why you should buy it (especially since it comes with awesome temporary tattoos), allow me to say thanks to everyone who reads the blog and sends in submissions and comments on posts (and essentially inspired the book). It’s an honor to make you guys laugh and cringe, and I sincerely hope you’ll laugh and cringe your way through the book, too!

So — what will ordering this book do for your life? Well, if you’re a parent it’ll ensure that your friends won’t secretly hate you and/or send me screenshots of your overshare, because you’ll know better. If you’re expecting a baby, the book provides an excellent primer for what not to do once your uterus gets hard or your mucus plug passes or your “kitty kat” needs “trimmed hedges,” and that formal education is — in my humble opinion — invaluable.

What if you don’t have kids (like me) and just want to laugh at annoying parents? Well, then, the STFU, Parents Book is perfect for you, you lazy, childless heathen! Not only will you think it’s funny, but you’ll have all the time in the world to read it. I mean, it’s not like you have any kids to bathe or lunches to pack! Join me, friends, in spreading the word that mommyjackers and sanctimommies DO exist, and that some information really shouldn’t be posted online.

Now, on to the extra fun part! If any of you fine people purchases (or has already purchased) this book— which would seriously make my whole LIFE — you can also receive a FREE signed bookplate (aka sticker/label that goes right inside the book) AND a FREE STFU, Parents temporary tattoo! I’m really excited about rolling out this “line” of tattoos, but for the book launch I’m offering to send one of the following three tattoos to you, with a signed bookplate, all for the cost of the STFU, Parents book! Check out the designs:

Mommyjacking, which can be sported by proud mommyjackers (aka jerks) OR people who want to spread the word about the trend that’s sweeping the nation:

Sanctimommy, which can be sported by proud sanctimommies (aka self-righteous douches) OR people who want to let sanctimommies know wsup:

And, of course, a cute li’l logo in a heart, because if there’s one word that comes to mind when I think of STFU, Parents, it’s adorable: 

Aren’t they awesome, and more importantly, don’t you want one for free?? If the answer to those questions is YES, then all you have to do is send me an email at stfuparentsbook@gmail.com and show me proof of buying the book. It can be an email receipt from an online retailer like Amazon, Penguin, Powell’s, B&N, Indiebound, Bookish, BAM, or Indigo, OR you can just scan/take a picture of your physical receipt after purchasing at an actual bookstore. (I myself plan to buy a copy or 30 at my local bookstore, Greenlight.) Just **email me with your receipt info and address, and I’ll be sure to send you a signed bookplate label and a tattoo over the next few weeks as a giant thank you!

With that said, if you’ve already purchased the book, I hope it finds a special place on your bookshelf / toilet seat / annoying coworker’s desk / in a baby shower gift basket. And if you haven’t already purchased a copy (also available on Kindle!) and you enjoy reading the blog, what are you waiting for?! This book was written for YOU, the readers of the blog, about our fancy made-up vocabulary and sharedhorrors. I feel like we’re in an anti-overshare club together, and this is our official handbook. (A handbook that doesn’t come with any placentapictures, I should note.) I hope you’ll read the book, have some laughs, and then email me for a tattoo. (Here’s the Sanctimommy option on my hand.) And if you’re in NYC, come to the Book Shower tomorrow (Wednesday) night at Housing Works! (RSVP right here.) Thanks so much, guys!

**Please send me your receipt as well as the preferred address you’d like me to send the bookplate and tattoo. 

This week on Mommyish, I wrote about 8 new examples from essential categories that inspired the book. Of course, I could name about 900 other categories (and sub-categories) that comprise the world of overshare, as new trends are taking shape and emerging every day that inspire new ideas. For instance, “Wow, there are a LOT parents who take rash close-ups,” is something I recently had the pleasure to ponder. And, “Wait, should I create a Poop - Peanut Butter folder and a Poop - Sandwiches folder?!” is a debate I literally just had with myself three days ago. 

Why do I enjoy writing about topics pertaining to overshare so much? I suppose it’s partly because if I didn’t, who the hell else would? The overshare blogger’s life is filled with more diarrhea than riches, more placenta than praise, and sure, writing about it to this extent could easily be perceived as an utter waste of time (pun intended). But who else would spend the better part of a summer writing a whole book on this disgusting and enraging subject? Last year, when my friends were “day drinking” and “living their lives,” I was obsessing over which new Sanctimommy submissions would make it into the book. (Unfortunately, “all of them” wasn’t an option.) 

So, for today’s Mommyish “companion post,” I’m putting the focus on the categories that truly inspired “STFU, Parents” at its spine core. These are the fundamentals — the cornerstones of oversharing, which is what the book is about. Here are 8 of them (plus a special surprise at the end…I couldn’t resist):

1. Pregnancy & Labor TMI

We’ve learned a lot of pregnancy and labor lessons on the blog, including fun facts like:

• If you’re going to drink castor oil to induce labor, you probably won’t poop while giving birth, but you should stay on the toilet during contractions.
• If you’re going to have sex to induce labor, don’t have hard freaky rough sex, because that runs the chance of killing the kid. Also, if you or your partner is sick, try having sex doggy style. (Or doggie style).
• If your cervix is Very soft and you think your water has broken, you may be in the 25% of women who get a pre-labor “watery trickle.”

And now we know that if you want to break your own water, you can simply wash your hands, apply a few layers of Purell, grab a hand mirror, and get things going. This blog is nothing if not educational. 

2. Woe Is Mom

Rachel gets a Gold Star for keeping it real. Someone has to, considering all the rules parents post about when to call and when NOT to call their landlines. But aside from that, the sincerity with which Korrine and Glenda talk about telemarketers takes me right back to the ’90s. Back then, it was acceptable to complain when telemarkers hassled you 12 times a day. “Cowabunga!”, you might have yelled. “These telemarketers are annoying the living shit out of me!”

Today, though, it’s relatively easy to avoid getting calls from telemarketers by adjusting the phone’s ringtone volume or by shutting off your landline altogether. And is it just me, or does Korrine seem genuinely perplexed by the audacity of these “refinance helpers”? Hasn’t she ever received a piece of email spam before? She’s lucky she’s not getting automated calls about sEXxxY male enhancement drugs.

3. Loss of Identity

This category played a major role in the conception of the site after I noticed a change in my own newsfeed. Suddenly profile avatars went from pictures of my friends’ faces to pictures of their fetuses in embryo. And while the “Timeline” hadn’t yet been rolled out, cover photos like this one were only a few thousand status updates and a dream away from becoming a reality. Now, Kelly “Lovesbeingamommy” can showcase her love for parenthood not only with her profile pic, username, and About section, but with her banner image, too. “Fight the power,” Kelly Lovesbeingamommy seems to be saying, “and if you don’t want to acknowledge my baby, then feel free to delete me!”

4. Sanctimommy

You know, I’m a little tired of reading about multitasking sanctimommy supermoms. We all multitask. For example, earlier today I watched some TV while spinning yarn to gold and teaching my cats about quantum physics. Yesterday I mentally counted to ten while pouring syrup over a plate of fried chicken and simultaneously singing along to a Stevie Wonder song. And right now, I’m blogging, skydiving, and playing an impressive banjo all at once. It’s incredible, but none of my friends HAS to know that I’ve got a black belt in multitasking (…she says while whistling and recycling in a low lunge Warrior pose).

Oh, and when I read Emily’s “leaning in!!” comment, I immediately felt like doing this:

Three interesting things about this (somewhat distorted) submission:

1. Despite the vomit being attributed to candy, this image is filed in the “Beer Happy” photo album. Doesn’t look very happy to me. :(

2. The person who “Liked” this picture goes by the username “YoungLazy,” which is possibly the best username of all time. If YoungLazy was a rapper, he could run with a crew called the La-Z Boyz, and every time he performed they’d all just be chilling onstage in plush recliners. Someone please make this happen.

3. You’re not getting the full barf picture, and I don’t mean that figuratively. 

I’m glad Amber took this picture, because there’s no way her friends would’ve believed her if she’d just posted a super-cryptic status update like, “I cleaned up multiple piles of purple-ish vomit today.” Give the people the vomit proof they need!

5. Questionable Parenting

Hahahaha. Remember when we first learned about baby erections on the blog? And then continued to learn about them? Well, all those boners combined wouldn’t make me feel as uncomfortable as I do reading about Sharon being “tea-bagged” by her son. Used in that context, I can only assume that she also has a drawing of a penis in Sharpie on her forehead and woke up with her hand in a bowl of warm water.

6. Mommyjacking

Who needs “Ghandi” and philosophy when you can have kids? And I’m talking in-the-flesh, human children whom you are RAISING. And when I say “raising” I mean “parenting,” not “raising” like the way you might raise farm animals. “Human babies or GTFO,” as Gandhi might say today.

PS: Fuck youuuuu, K! <—- That had to be said. 

PPS: Let’s all try to spell Gandhi’s name correctly when quoting. Otherwise, we’ll just end up with a bunch of babies named Ghandi. 

7. Entitled Parents

Yes, SHE of the Greek Place is an asshole! And now, as a direct consequence of HER Cashier Ass. Hole. behavior, SHE is going to know what it feels like to be Old Man Rafferty or Horrible Waitress! How dare she tell Amy’s daughter what to rip up in her place of business. How dare she even LOOK at Amy’s daughter, except to say, “Hello, Little Miss Cutie Pie, can I offer you a free item off the menu just for being you?” Otherwise, Back. Off. and keep your “much cheaper” attitude about Sydney’s not at all cheap disposition to yourself.

8. Bathroom Behavior

Ahh, yes. Shit fury. We can’t discuss the STFU, Parents book fundamentals without getting into a little poop talk. When I started the site in 2009, I had no idea that I was signing up for daily shitsplosions — but hey, look who’s wading in crap up to her neck now! Look who won the Poopy Bowl. ME. I’ve seen more submissions about human waste than the average person craps out in a lifetime — and YEAH, I’m a little proud. It’s gross, and incredibly strange, and above all, appetite-suppressing, but if it means I get to write a whole book about toilet humor, then I’ve done been blessed. As a token of my appreciation, I made this (I mean, with the files, not with my butt):

Thankfully, I didn’t include any semi-solid gems like this in the book. But if you pick up a copy, then I promise you will “have so much fun and make mama so happy.” 

Just kidding. I’ll never refer to myself as the “mama” of this blog ever again. 

For more examples of categories that inspired the book, check out my column on Mommyish. It’ll fulfill you almost as much as having kids does (like .004% as much).

(submitted by Anonymous)

I haven’t posted a Links Round-Up for a couple of weeks, but I’ve been waiting for an opportunity to post this awesome picture. Many times, I’ve heard from people who say that when they “liked” the STFU, Parents Facebook page they were immediately attacked by rabid mama bears, so this image perfectly sums up that response. I might need it to print a poster version for my childless den of baby-hating debauchery, where my childless friends and I take selfies in bikinis, drink wine coolers until we barf, and call each other “bitches” a lot.

Now, let’s see what’s been shaking around the Internet (and the world!):

• A very intelligent New Zealand woman made headlines after leaving her sleeping baby alone in her car with a note. “It was written from the baby’s perspective [ed. note: OF COURSE IT WAS], and it said, ‘My mum’s in doing the shopping, call her if I need anything’, and it had the cellphone number.” They say ‘it takes a village to raise a child,’ but by ‘village’ they mean ‘parking lot.’ [NZ Herald]
• A massive 15lb, 7oz baby was born in the UK — vaginally — which prompted The Shudder Felt ‘Round the World. [Metro]
• ‘We Already Know Who the Worst Person in NYU’s Class of 2032 Will Be’, so parents, don’t even front. [NY Mag]
• “But when you want your child to eat fruit, consider giving her fruit.” Great concept! Plus, we all know this act can inspire amazing art, too. [Slate]
• More earth-shattering news: A groovy Melbourne crossing guard is still allowed to “touch” the children (i.e. give them high-fives), and a Brisbane school is embracing the “potentially litigious” playgrounds of yore, because parents who sue after little Madjesti trips on an obstacle course tire can shove their lawsuits up their asses. [News.com.au and Courier Mail]
• In case you missed it, the Gray Lady, whose antiquated notions grow grayer by the day, lead an obit about a rocket scientist saying that she made “a mean beef stroganoff, followed her husband from job to job, and took eight years off from work to raise three children.” Oh yeah, and she was also a rocket scientist. (Dissertation defense, anyone?) [Buzzfeed]
• This baby changing station better be for real. [Happy Place]
• As it turns out, modern life steals kids’ childhood. It’s a bummer, but that’s what happens when iPads and padded bras for newborns are on the market. [News.com.au]
• Speaking of iPads, here’s an article about the effects tablets may have on children’s minds and communication skills over time. [NYT]
• “While perusing your Facebook news feed, have you ever wondered why some people’s babies are adorable, while others are butt ugly?” Why yes, yes I have. [Discoblog]
• “I resented the time my children consumed. Like parasites, they took from me  and didn’t give back.” Do not try to tell this woman that she’s better off for having had her kids. [Yahoo! AU]
• An Easter egg hunt in Seattle turned in a bloody brawl between moms. The mama bears are all coming out of hibernation! [Gawker]
• A much-talked about article in the Daily Princetonian that has since been pulled was written by a mother who solemnly warns young ladies that they should scoop up smart, amazing guys like her sons now, or risk being alone forever. Preachy! [Slate]
• This story about a mother who allegedly shot another mother after their children got into a minor argument is, as they say, some shit. [HuffPost]
• Domestic Triage Experts are “human time and motion machines” and “domestic management consultants” who “never have a shower without cleaning it at the same time.” Supermoms — now with fancy vocabulary! [Daily Mail]
• There is no greater example of “one person messes this up for the rest of us” than annoying parents-meets-the airline industry. [Telegraph]
• “Facebook has become a repository for information that we may not…know about.” Especially when investigating idiots who don’t pay child support. [ABC News]
• This ‘Shouts & Murmurs’ column might be my favorite thing I’ve read in weeks. [New Yorker]
• Modern parenting confuses Frank Bruni and some people got upset about it. [NYT]
• Finally, behold this barf GIF. I mean… wow. That is creamy. [Tosh.0]

As an aside: Thanks a lot to everyone who’s purchased a copy of the book (aka the instant literary classic inspired by this blog). If you enjoyed reading it, please consider leaving a comment on Amazon or Goodreads— and don’t forget to email me for a free signed bookplate and temporary tattoo! 

You guys know me — I love a good sneak attack. Whether it’s an unexpected warning on a toddler’s birthday party invitation, or a particularly vitriolic response to some friendly “suggestions and advise,” it’s always nice to see mama bears taking matters into their own paws on Facebook.

Clearly in this case, there’s some back beef* between Lisa and Nicole, and Nicole was asking for it by baiting Lisa with her comment. It was her small way of saying, “Try me, mama,” and Lisa was all, “BITCH, I WILL TRY YOU SO DO NOT STEP TO ME.” When you disown someone’s ass, you’re basically saying that you will not tell them when they get food in their teeth, nor will you tell them when their skirt is accidentally tucked into their underwear or when they misuse the word “climatic.” You might not even tell them that they’re about to get hit by a bus. It’s over. You’re just a legal document away from a restraining order. Blood is thicker than water, and Facebook fights are forever (also known as FFF). I hope when Nicole said, “but there’s slot me to everything and idc anymore,” she knew what she was getting herself into. She put her own ass on blast, and now that ass has been disowned. 

*Note: back beef is a lot like beef back, except instead of coming with a special sauce it comes with tension and drama.

(submitted by Anonymous)

Since I’ve been focusing so much time on the “STFU, Parents” book lately, I’ve had reading on the brain. It got me thinking about the great Mom’s Gold Star submissions that I’ve received about reading and writing, and how I don’t really do enough to promote those things on the blog. I spend plenty of time talking about poor spelling and making fun of language butchery and yooniquenames, but what about the good submissions I receive?

This picture couldn’t be funnier if it was staged. And frankly, I wouldn’t care if it was. Something about watching kids “play” with books before they can even read them warms my heart. Whether they’re chewing on them, shitting on them, or sleeping with them, you get the impression that those are the kids who are going to appreciate reading and writing when they’re older.

Considering my mother taught English for close to 30 years, “rough giraffe” may be the cutest thing I’ve ever heard. Move over, “Porn Gravy.” There’s some new made-up terminology in town, and it sounds like this. 

Last but not least, let’s take the blog full-circle, shall we? A little over four years ago, my real life friend Leigh helped to inspire this blog and wound up being the first screenshot I ever posted (and without commentary! Clearly I had no blogging direction whatsoever.) Leigh’s is the only post from my personal friends list on the blog that’s not in the Gold Star category, and while it would never make the cut today, I’ll always think of it fondly. Anyway, a few months ago, she posted this on Facebook:

I’m not just saying this because she’s my friend, but that was a brave stunt that Leigh pulled. She swooped in like some kind of Reading Superhero that appears when the “bad guys” stand in the way of children reading. When I read her status update I was like, “Oh, damn,” because I’m not sure I’d have had the balls to do the same thing. 

So kudos, Leigh! Thanks for being a “reading activist” and showing that mother what an asshole she was being (even though she probably didn’t realize it at all and just thinks you’re an elitist bookworm). Congrats to Gretchen and Leah on their Gold Stars, too! Funny jokes about books are always welcome around these parts.

Related: The Giving Tree

(submitted by Anonymous)

So, the last time this site got a brief wave of press was back in October, and a lot of the coverage focused on my “lack” of children, which sucked. Knowing that the book response could have been more of the same, I decided to take some proactive measures so as to not go crazy like the last time (which prompted posts like this and this). Those things included practicing deep breathing, getting plenty of rest, and maintaining a steady diet of carnitas tacos and guacamole, which has been delicious.

It’s all worked out pretty well the past couple of weeks, but there was one comment, written on the STFU, Parents Facebook page, that I simply couldn’t keep confined to that page. It’s just too good. This is the stuff the blog is made of (and the type of person the blog was made for):

ZING. Tricia wins Sanctimommy of the Day fo sho. I do hope she felt better after venting. I’m totally picturing her yelling “BOOYAKASHAH!!” at the computer and then texting all of her girlfriends: “Ummm I just told a total stranger that she’s wasting her life on her own Facebook page. #mommyneedswine #makeitadouble LOL.” Oh, Tricia.

Then, a few days ago, I went on Huffington Post Live and said the thing that I usually say about how the blog doesn’t get that much hate mail and most people tend to like okay it if they read a few pages (which is true). Within a few hours, I received this sweet love note:

Daaaaaaaamn, that’s cold!

Here’s what bothers me about this email: In the subject, Emma says I deserve the title of Cunt with a capital C, but in the body, she just reduces me to a stale old typical cunt, lowercase c. Thanks a lot, Emma. I’ll be staring at my computer screen pondering this embarrassing discrepancy for the rest of my life.

And now, a round-up of interviews about the book as well as several discussions about “childlessness” and overshare for those of you who are interested in checking them out:

• CNN posted an awesome Q&A with a funny gallery, and then the next day talk show host Don Lemon and his guest panelists had a chat about the book and parent overshare. It was amazing. Go here to read the article and here to watch the clip (starts at 7:20). [CNN]
• As mentioned, I went on Huffington Post Live with my “Internet friends” Nancy Redd, Jessica Gottlieb, and Kim from One Classy Motha aka the inventor of Beaver Babies. [HuffPost]
• My homies at Mommyish posted about the GMA appearance. [Mommyish]
• Jeanne Sager over at The Stir posted a popular article titled ‘17 Most Annoying Things About Parents (According to People Without Kids’. [The Stir]
• Mary Beth Williams interviewed me for Salon and chose an excellent closing line. [Salon]
• Mom’s Gold Star winner Claire Zulkey interviewed me for WBEZ. [WBEZ]
• Jen Doll did a Q&A with me for The Atlantic Wire (and asked me what my mom thinks of the blog). [The Atlantic Wire]
• Kristen Kemp at Parents.com featured a fun ‘n short interview about the book. [Parents] 
• Bitch Magazine ran an interview and asked about “insufferable parent shenanigans” in Brooklyn. [Bitch]
• Judy McGuire from the Mike & Judy Show (which I’ve been ontwice and am going on again this weekend!) wrote an article for Tumblr’s Storyboard. [Storyboard]
• Nicole Cliffe included the book in a great books round-up on The Hairpin. [The Hairpin] 
• The Pudding posted a Q&A and sprinkled submissions from the blog throughout the post. I enjoyed that. [The Pudding]
• Babble featured a gallery of 20 overshares from the blog in conjunction with the book. [Babble]
• Policy Mic wrote the article with arguably the best lede, AND they included a picture of the baby cake from the Book Shower. [Policy Mic]
• Brooklyn Based, which is my favorite events mailer in my adopted hometown, ran an interview about the book. [Brooklyn Based]
• The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, which is the newspaper that I used to sell door-to-door in my original hometown, ran an interview about me and the book. [AJC]
• A blogger at the AJC took issue with the blog/book and essentially compared pictures of poopy diapers to pictures of toes on the beach. [AJC Momania]
• Dustin Rowles over at Pajiba shook things up with his post ‘STFU, Childless People.’ [Pajiba]
• The Wall Street Journal wrote an article (and referenced this post) about the book and the Book Shower. (If you hit a paywall, you can Google the title.) [WSJ]
• Last but not least, I got “realer than real” in a personal interview about blogging with Alice Wright from Get Off My Internets. [GOMI]

Thanks to everyone who’s taken the time to talk with me and/or check out the book! And thank you to the great blogs that have hosted book giveaways so far: Fucked In Park Slope, One Classy Motha, The Mouthy Housewives, and Motherhood In NYC.

Also, for anyone who’s reading in L.A., I’ll be on a panel next weekend called The Politics of Parenting* at the L.A. Times Festival of Books on Sunday, April 21st at 12:30pm. If you’re in the area, I hope you’ll come by and get a book signed! 

*your guess is as good as mine regarding my qualifications for this

This week on Mommyish, I wrote about when it’s not cool to post pictures of your crying kids online. After the internet warmly embracedReasons My Son Is Crying last week, I started going through my “Crying Kids” folder to compare those submissions with the concept of the blog. What is it about Reasons My Son Is Crying that seems so funny and relatable, while other pictures of crying kids on Facebook seem so cruel and depressing? The dad who started the blog said that the concept originated on Facebook, and I was trying to imagine if I would feel differently about the pictures if they weren’t compiled on a funny blog.

I’ve received a fair number of awkward crying submissions, and most of the time the submitter says something like, “This seems mean,” or, “I’m sooo glad my parents didn’t do this to me.” Because crying is a vulnerable state for adults, but a natural state for kids, there’s a weird disparity between funny crying pictures and shitty crying pictures. Is the person crying for a stupid reason, or a real reason? Did he lose his sock in the dryer, or did his dog just get hit by a car? These things matter, people. 

Here are a few examples of pictures parents shouldn’t post on Facebook (especially now that Reasons My Son Is Crying is a hit; don’t be that asshole who rides coattails by posting sad pictures of your children sobbing, THANKS!!).

1. Trapped In the Closet Underneath the Couch

Whew! I’m glad Dawn managed to locate her son underneath her couch, but um, couldn’t she have gotten him out from under there before grabbing her phone to take a quick picture? This kid doesn’t seem like he’s in the mood to get his photo taken:

I mean, if it were ME, I’d rather my mom just drag me out from under there than capture the moment and post about it online, but who knows what Trevor is thinking? I don’t want to jump to conclusions. Maybe he’s thrilled about it?

2. Mean Mama

Ha ha ha, “mean mama.” What a goof. Just look at the expression on that adorable wittle baby’s face. One day, Mr. Crybaby is going to grow up and appreciate this hysterical picture. Assuming he didn’t topple out of the refrigerator and get a concussion or something. :) Fortunately, it appears as though he had a pretty firm grip on the refrigerator shelf. :P 

The next time mean mama’s bored she can just shove him in the freezer to see how he likes it in there! Ha ha, whatever gets people’s attention on Instagram. ;D Not everyone has time to doll up their child in a string bean costume and prop him on the vegetable rack at the grocery store, okay? Some people have to make do with what they have. =^)

3. Teaching Lessons

Awww, how sweet is this? A horrible crazyperson named Traci decided to shave her daughter’s head as punishment and then posted a picture of her crying for the whole world to see. Now THAT’S what I call hands-on parenting. You guys can’t see it, but Traci’s daughter’s eyes are totally filled with tears and regret in this picture, fully expressing with one look what an excellent disciplinarian Traci is and what an utter moron she feels like for trimming her own bangs. Now she has to walk around looking like a cancer patient or one of those shivering hairless dogs! Serves her little punk ass right for not following Mother’s Orders!

Great job, Traci. You not only cut off all of your child’s hair against her wishes, but you also showed off your photography skills by taking such an emotional picture. Talk about “Mom of the Year” material. Operant conditioning like this certainly puts a person in the running for such awards. Fingers crossed!

To check out more examples of Facebook parents who posted pictures of their kids crying just to be heartless bastards, check out my column over on Mommyish!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last week, like most people, I was glued to my laptop and TV as reports came in about what had happened in Boston. And, like most people, I watched as news organizations clamored to report information, even if it was false information, and noticed how quickly some people jumped at the chance to put their voices “out there” in response to the tragedy.

Back in the day, newspapers and news anchors were the only voices you heard when something awful happened, but now, as we’veseenhere on the blog, including after Sandy Hook which was pretty much the worst thing ever, everyone has a chance to make their thoughts and feelings known to the public via social media. Usually I’m all for people ‘having a voice’, and I think social media provides an excellent outlet for news to be distributed and for people to come together in times of sorrow. But the question I have is, WHY do people always have to make this shit about them? 

Whenever there’s a mass attack in the U.S., I receive an onslaught of submissions about people who “use” the event as a way to seem sympathetic, or to appear like they want to be part of the larger conversation, when really all they want to do is talk about themselves or their kids. After going through dozens of submissions, I’ve narrowed down the most egregious examples in this mega round-up as a plea to parents (and to everyone, really) to stop talking during crises. If you want to say you’re upset, or concerned or angry, go for it. But don’t do it in the same breath that you talk about your kid’s soccer game. It’s a bad look. Trust me. I wrote about this subject in my column on Mommyish, and now here are several more examples of how NOT to talk about the Boston bombings (or any awful incident) on social media:

1. Lighter Notes

Aw, shucks, Fawn. Ain’t life grand? I mean except when it’s not, when you have to worry about the state of the world and whatnot, but other than that? When you can just sit back and enjoy being a baseball mom, making cookies with Ms. Pat and talking about how to get out grass stains? That is the best. LOVE it. 

2. Thoughts and Prayers

WOO HOO Olivia! 5 big girl steps! How amazing is it that on the exact same day that several people had to get their limbs amputated, Olivia took her first official steps! This blogger is perplexed by Leslie’s unintentional ignorance. :)

3. Heartbreaking Happenings

Now THIS is just precious. Even with the city of Boston reeling in the hours after the bombs went off, Aiden found a way to make his mom Lauren smile. He’s a little charmer, that one. It’s important to remember that even as some people are experiencing the worst day of their lives, others are having a really good day. Thank you, Lauren, for sharing, and for reminding everyone to find a bit of joy in the sweetest little boy in the world. ♥

4. Surreal and Sad < Happiest Moments Ever

We all know what happens next in this story! Dana’s gonna take that apple on down to Tattoo Mike’s, lift up her shirt, and say, “Mike, in honor of the victims of the Boston bombings and in honor of my little Amelia, I want you to etch this apple on my side. Motherhood is the best thing ever, and I never want to forget how such a simple thing brought me so much happiness during such a surreal and sad week.” After that, we’ll have The Apple That Turned Into a Tattoo Part II.

5. Finding the Bad Guy

Ohhh, this mommy means business! She knows that America (Fuck Yeah!) should totes send in a pack of rabid mama bears to resolve any terrorist crimes AND prepare some delicious home-cooked meals for the first responders after drawing them some nice warm baths. Just fly those mamas up to Boston, give them a few bottles of chardonnay and a portable GPS unit, and watch them get to work! Moms are the real heroes in this country (if not the world), and everyone knows that. Team Missing Sock FTW.

6. Birthday Guests

Hey, Darren, you’re a dick. You know who wants to come to Callum’s first birthday? No one. You know who secretly thinks Callum’s name is stupid? Everyone. 

7. BombingsJacking

Lolololol K. is so funny. Of course Madison would want to name the baby Edwin lol. Such a funny name, for a baby or a barista! Haha. So funny that C. would bring up a person named Edwin considering that random coincidence. 

8. Some Good News

YAY DEAD GERBIL ALERT!! Break out the vino, ‘cause even though it’s sad to toast when so many are effected by the Boston attack, there’s reason to celebrate, too! Yes, let the joyous news be spread, because Skyler’s gerbil at last is dead! No more cleaning out a stinky cage or caring for a live rodent anymore because that mofo scampered past the gates of pet heaven! FINALLY. Just a little good news to lift everyone’s spirits. :)

9. #BombardedWithBrownies 

Okay. This example is straight-up offensive. Either the person who runs this baby company is a total fucking moron, OR she was trying to correlate the Boston bombings with her latest blog post to increase SEO/traffic/something. The day of the bombings, the Company admin posted this on the Facebook page:

Decent response, right? #anothersadday is stupid, but hey, we can’t all be Maya Angelou when discussing the state of the world. It would have been fine, just fine, except then she posted this the very next day:

It appears this post has since been deleted from the company’s page, but um, WTF? Pressure Cooker Spaghetti Sauce because the day before everyone was bombarded with brownies? Smooth move. What’s next? An explosively delicious dessert called The Grenade? Mmm, I hear that’s SO good with blood-orange gelee.

10. A Lighter Note

DAMN, Kristi put a hurtin’ on Ralph for being an idiot. What possesses people to say that their thoughts are in Boston a mere ellipses before circling back to themselves in a single status update? If Ralph had just posted the first part of his update minus the lame-ass hashtag (seriously people, #enoughwiththehashtags), this submission wouldn’t have made it to the blog. But now he just #lookslikeanasshole because one of his Facebook friends has a relative whose job it is to save lives…in Boston.

Question: Would you rather be at home with a wailing, healthy baby who won’t let you sleep, OR in a hospital tending to injured victims who were pummeled with bomb shrapnel? “On a lighter note,” indeed.

11. Diaper Explosions

Well, guys, you knew this was coming. Pressure cookers and diarrhea go hand-in-hand in Myranda’s world, and no, she will not avoid making that joke publicly just because it’s insensitive. I mean, did you SEE how much poop exploded out of that baby’s butt??

To read more ridiculous examples of how NOT to talk about the Boston bombings (or any tragedy/disaster/terrorist attack), head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

A couple of weeks ago, I crashed my favorite podcast again at Heritage Radio Network behind Roberta’s in Bushwick. Like the last time I appeared on The Mike & Judy Show, I dragged my boyfriend Brian with me to chime in whenever the spirit called him, which was probably not a very smart idea. And like the other shows we’ve recorded, the discussion was all over the place. Listen in for a chat about waterballs, placenta jerky, a woman discovering her mucus plug status update on the blog, and some extremely questionable jokes that I will casually distance myself from in an effort to seem like a respectable young lady. You can also catch Brian calling me a whore at one point, because that’s just the kind of loving relationship we have. What can I say? Radio brings out the best in us. 

Thanks very much to the always-funny Judy McGuire and Mike Edison for having me back, and I hope you guys will enjoy listening to the show!

PS: Listen to my first show appearance right here, and my second appearance here.

Hello, there! Man, has it been depressing around here lately, amirite? The crying kids post, and then the Boston post, and then all the days on either side of those posts (minus the radio interview about period parties)? Yikes. Let’s try to put that time behind us and forge ahead into a new frontier week. But before I get into what the rest of this week will entail (BIRTHDAY WEEK!), here are a bunch of links I’ve acquired in the last fortnight. STFU, Parents is all about education and nurturing PlayPens of Little Genius’s. Cheers to being gifted, ya’ll. 

• First up: Breast milk jewelry is all the rage. But would you want your own mother-in-law to wear it? (My answer here.) [Daily Mail]
• A junior high school in Petaluma, CA has banned girls from wearing “pants that were ‘too tight’ because it distracts the boys.” Hmm, really? Why don’t they just gouge out the boys’ eyes to blind them? Ever think of that? [KTVU]
• Lotus births had a glistening moment in the media, kicked off by a horrifying article in the Post. [New York Post]
• Speaking of trends, do you practice EC’ing? That’s “elimination communication” for all of you FOOLS who aren’t in the know. Read all about it (and check out the “EC lite” submission in the book!). [DNA Info / New York Times / Bonus old article from SF Gate that features the passage, “Relatives were holding and watching Paise and they weren’t accustomed to his cues. And then he got diarrhea.”]
• Don’t poop outside at restaurants or someone on Poop Patrol is going to berate you for it on the internet. Usually me. [Gothamist]
• “Back in the day? They asked 100 people this question last week!” I know burying the placenta has many cultural origins, but this Family Feud clip is funny. PS: Steve Harvey hassomuchtolearn. :( [YouTube]
• This kid really wanted Chinese food for breakfast. He didn’t mean to take a detour. [Daily Mail]
• In one of the most depressing — but necessary — articles I’ve read this year, you’ll learn The Hell of American Day Care. [New Republic]
• Also depressing, but predictable, is a study that shows that social networks play a significant role in parents’ decision to vaccinate. [Salon]
• “A Townsville mother who photographed her son with a python’s head in his mouth and uploaded it to the internet has been fined for unlawfully possessing the reptile.” Sounds reasonable. [News AU]
• There are some AMAZING doozies in this Awkward Pregnancy Photos round-up. The scissors? The sheepskin vest? So many quality ideas. [World Wide Interweb]
• Jen Kirkman is a professional comedienne and now a professional non-parent. She writes about being childfree for TIME in support of her new book, which is wonderfully titled ‘I Can Barely Take Care of Myself.’ [TIME]
• “It was a rope,” he described Monday. “It wasn’t twine. It wasn’t fishing line. It was a rope.” Rope Dad goes down in history. [Wood TV]
• On March 29th, twins Biggles and Posie, “a brother and sister for Tuppence,” were born. [The Times UK]
• Enjoy a round-up of nightmarish babycakes (including one pulled from this tasty post), as well as some creepy baby shower cupcakes. Mmmm. Babies. [BuzzFeed and Happy Place]
• Parents around the world describe their children. [Quartz]
• “Bella draws a line between her media personality and who she really is.” Yeah, of course she does. ‘The Pampered Life of a “Toddlers & Tiaras” Star’ [Yahoo! Shine]
• Another depressing, but honest, article that maybe shouldn’t have been written, but also serves a helpful purpose. I think? [Guardian]
• BuzzFeed teaches you ‘How To Survive Your Friends’ Impending Babyapocalypse’, referencing (what else?!) a STFUP classic. [BuzzFeed]
• Food allergies and kids create quite a stir, as did this article about kids’ snacks on playgrounds. The 3000+ comments are insane. [Slate]
• Finally, this kid got a mouthful of mail and it’s just funny. Watch it twice! [Gawker]

Whew! Holy shit, that was a lot of links. But there are some good ones in there, trust. A few additional links that discuss the “STFU, Parents” book include:

• The Globe and Mail in Canada labeled me a “whistle blower,” which meant I got to cross “Get called a whistle-blower in a national newspaper” off my Bucket List. [Globe and Mail]
• The Huffington Post recommends that you pick up the book, among many other excellent options, as a Mother’s Day gift. Remember, everyone: The “STFU, Parents” book is the gift that keeps on giving. [HuffPost]
• Listen to my interview with Paul Harris on the radio show America Weekend. Paul was unfamiliar with placenta smoothies and probably wished he hadn’t asked me on his show. [Paul Harris]
• Last but not least, Slate reviewed the book, which was very exciting, and then The Sydney Morning Herald picked it up, and then it wound up being the cover story of the Tampa Bay Times Weekend edition. Who else wants to buy this guy a beer?? [Slate / SMH / TBT below] 

And now for the final news: Today is my birthday, and you know what that means: BIRTHDAY WEEK RETURNS. Remember Elijah’s Birthday? And all the Misty Fluid-Covered Memories? Well, we’re gonna do that again. Birthdayjackings, countdowns, and even a Birthday Hat Meltdown are all lined up to help celebrate the ridiculousness that is children’s birthdays on Facebook. I hope you’ll stop by for doses of hilarity and mild disgust (though, thankfully not too much disgust). It’ll be a real party!

As mentioned a couple of days ago, we’re entering Birthday Week, which is a whole week dedicated to the ridiculous birthday-related submissions I receive throughout the year. Last year’s inaugural celebration coincided with my 30th birthday, but this year, since I turned 31 and am getting decrepit, I’m starting the party a little late. Kinda setting a precedent for my reaction toward birthdays from here on out. BUT, that doesn’t diminish from my enthusiasm toward Birthday Week on the blog. I am excited — very excited — to share this year’s many gifts. First up, the official 2nd Annual Birthday Week cake!

This cake is delicious, which you can probably tell just by looking at it, but there’s a special reason that it’s so tasty:

OK, OK — maybe Desiree should’ve used fresh breast milk rather than frozen milk, but hey, the boobie milk birthday cake was still absolutely delicious! Well, the icing anyway. And all that matters is that little Lily loved it as much as Desiree enjoyed baking and gloating about it. Yummy!

Stay tuned for a whole week’s worth of birthday-themed merriment. The party bus has left the station, so be sure to strap yourself in for an unforgettable amusing ride!

Related: Breast Milk Cheese and Breast Milk Ice Cream

Also related: Placenta Cake, Selfish Bitch Cake, and Very Clever Jam Cake

This week on Mommyish, I paid tribute to Birthday Week with a column about birthdayjacking. Last year, I had so many birthdayjacking submissions that I had to split them into twoposts, and this year proved no different. Parents can’t help themselves on Facebook when their child’s birthday is involved. Nothing beats the feeling of announcing your baby’s birthday to the world. NOTHING. Not even scaling K2, racing on the Nürburgring, and parasailing in the Caribbean combined. Telling the internet “It’s my baby’s birthday today!!!” has become as compulsory as it has ubiquitous. After all, if your child has a birthday and you don’t announce it on Facebook, did it ever really get celebrated? 

It’s this attitude that inspires birthdayjacking, which is something parents do when they’re either extremely excited about their child’s birthday or extremely disappointed that no one “liked” the ‘birthday letter’ they wrote on their own wall (addressed to a toddler). Let’s check out some new examples:

1. Almost-Birthday Buddies

Based on Carol’s logic, I’m to assume that another one of her friends will receive a message on Tuesday morning that says, “Zoe turned 4 yesterday, born 8 hours too early to share your birthday!!” Carol is a high-functioning birthdayjacker who spreads her skillz across multiple days and status updates in honor of little Zoe.

2. The More You Know

When Ellyn wrote, “(good to know about JS Bach),” she meant, “(I’ll be sure to mention that whenever I tell people it’s my son’s birthday, considering it sounds way more cultured than ‘Jessica Szohr’.)” JohannSebastian Bach FTW. Thanks for chiming in, Ellyn.

3. Coincidences

Nicolette and Tim used to date, and Tim has no idea why Nicolette would write something so weird on his wall, given that they used to go out and have sex. I don’t know either, but I think his comment is funny.

4. WTF?

Melody reminds me of Melaina, just talking and talking like some batty old granny who mutters to herself in a rocking chair on a front porch. “Summer-Sunshine what a sweet girl she loves her bike loves strawberries takes a bath every day knows her numbers and wants to be in the pictures someday!”

5. Can’t Believe It Either

I can’t believe that both of these people are being serious, but I’m pretty sure they are. Otherwise, D., I owe you a Gold Star. But assuming they’re both serious, this is the future of birthdayjacking, where parents one-up each other based on their kids’ ages. An average status update in the future like, “Can’t believe my son turned 11 hours old! Feels like just an hour ago he was born!!”, will be met with, “Can’t believe my daughter turns 65 in four months and is applying for Medicare.” Yep, the future looks bright and heavily-documented, indeed.

To read several more birthdayjacking examples, including one of the most annoying examples EVER, head over to Mommyish to read my column!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Not good enough, Joseph. NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

Brandon’s friends should know there’s not enough room on Facebook for both Lia’s birthday and the Star Wars franchise to get celebrated on the same day. Today is May 4th, the day little Lia was born, and everyone had better put down their light sabers, take off their childish Darth Vader masks, and take a few moments out to pay tribute to the TRUE princess of the day: Princess Lia. Not Leia. LIA. 

May LIA’S BIRTHDAY Be With You All!

(submitted by Anonymous)

One of the most important aspects of any birthday — but especially a child’s birthday — is the party. No matter how old a kid is turning, a party is an opportunity for parents (and everyone they know) to shower the kid with love and affection gifts for being born.

Of course, there are rules that accompany such events. As we’ve learned in the past, it’s important to keep the drama at home, cus if anyone fucks up a little kid’s birthday his or her parent(s) will happily kick your ass. It’s also important to buy exactly what is requested for a child, whether for a birthday or another holiday, because otherwise you could wind up with two Pillow Pets or DVD duplicates or some other horrendous gift situation. As a party guest, you’ll want to err on the side of caution while spending as much money as humanly possible. Whatever pleases the parents will likely please the child, because then the parent(s) won’t have a huge tantrum in front of dozens of friends and relatives. Honestly, birthday parties are fun and all, but they’re A LOT of work for the thousands of parents who insist on making them a bigger deal than is necessary. You guys have no idea how stressful it can be obsessing over tiny details that no one but you cares about or will remember. It’s HARD.

So with that rundown in mind, let’s check out some examples of how parents have chosen to publicize their child’s birthday on social media. Everyone get your kazoos ready, because these parties are going to totally ROCK!

1. Aubreypalooza

Are you guys ready for the most cacophonous music festival this side of Coachella? Break out your psychedelic glasses, Birkenstocks, and Dora the Explorer-stickered drum kits, because Aubreypalooza’s about to take a local ampitheatre amphitheater by storm! You thought seeing The Wiggles live in concert was fun? Try watching a bunch of adults sustain two hours of alcohol-free Aubreypalooza! Bring your didgeridoos and a box of goldfish crackers for an afternoon of smiles, songs, and cash hand-offs. The smiles and songs are free; the cash comes from your bank account. (PS: Don’t forget to RSVP! Strollers are welcome.)

2. Advantages

Okay, duderinos and dudettes! Who’s coming to Mason’s second birthday party in 8 months??? Who’s taking The Mason Challenge? All you have to do is commit to attending an event for a toddler eight months in advance and send along your FULL address (no halfsies!). Anything less than 100% dedication will not be approved for this bash.

Not to get anyone too excited or anything, but rumor has it there will be both cake and ice cream AND at least 13 shrieking children drooling everywhere AND blue and orange streamers for decoration. So whatever you were planning to do eight months from now — cancel it. And if you think you’re going to have to work that day, request off! Now is your chance!

3. People are annoying.

At first when I read Jolynn’s update I was like, “Girl, don’t be telling people what to buy for your kid’s birthday!”, but then I read Amanda’s comment, and now I’m just sickened by all of society. Can’t we go back to the olden days, when a child’s obsession with New Kids On the Block didn’t result in being TOLD what to buy her for her birthday, and when people like Amanda didn’t broadcast their worship schedules with cheerful exclamation points that make me want to break several Commandments? Oh, the humanity.

4. DUMMIES 

HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, HOW MANY TIMES DOES JANNIELLE HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT UR THOUGHTS R GARBAGE? U DON’T GET 2 HAVE A SAY IN WTF SHE WANTS FOR HER SON ON HIS BDAY, SO IF U DON’T MIND, PLEASE DO JANNIELLE THE GREAT SERVICE OF HOPPING OFF HER VA JAY JAY!!! SCOOT RIGHT ALONG COS SHE HAS A PARTY TO PLAN…DUMMIES

5. Mama Bear In Your Face

Anne doesn’t formally win a Gold Star here, but her “try to get a nap ok?” comment may be the best comment in all of Facebook history. She’s like a therapist talking down a suicidal patient. Tenderly, but firmly, she tries to get across the very simple point that Amy is acting like a psychotic asshole who needs to relax. Well done, Anne. 

As for Amy, she’s probably right about two things: 1. Drama doesn’t belong at a child’s birthday party, and 2. No one wants Amy’s mama bear claws scratching up their face. I’m guessing she’s more terrifying than a pageant mom when it comes to “defending” her daughter against “drama,” and she’s just a few candy bars away from letting that angry energy take over in full force. You thought TNT knows drama? Try Amy after overhearing one of her party guests talking shit. If you’ve never seen a grown woman’s clothes get shred by a mama bear’s teeth in under five seconds, well, you’re in for a show.

6. Golden Birthday Celebrationsssss

The funny thing about golden birthdays is that so many of us have our golden birthday at a young age. I didn’t have mine until I turned 30, but as statistics would have it, thousands and thousands of people experience theirs as early as age 1. This fun fact lends itself well to the above doublejacking of Lily’s Birthday Celebration, which I can only hope devolved into a series of comments like, “And Xyann’s golden birthday on the 8th of March 2015!” and, “Don’t forget about Eighden’s double golden birthday on the 6th! He was born on the 3rd but he’s turning 6! 3 x 2 is 6! Double golden birthday!!”

7. No Worries At All

Usually, if someone buys a gift “with interest,” it means “with an interest in purchasing a gift that someone will enjoy.” But in this case it means “with a penalty.” Ha ha ha, Jessie’s so funny. :)

In case anyone was wondering, baby Jemma turned one year old, and I’m guesstimating .001% of Jessi’s friends who couldn’t make the party bought double the gifts. That’s a generous guesstimate, though, considering 0% of people really cared. I’m sure Jessi knew that when she wrote her sarcastic update, but these days, does anyone really “joke” about their baby’s birthday party on Facebook?

(submitted by Anonymous)

As you guys know, this week is birthday-themed, and that means I’m posting about ANY AND ALL things birthday-related. For instance, did you know that it’s possible to freak out over something as minor as a party hat? I mean, sure, if the party was for a wizard or something I could understand the hat being the pièce de résistance, but what about for a one-year-old?

Does anyone remember the freakout from a couple years back involving baby Saylor’s toile bedding fabric, and how that shit got fucking ruined? Well, I know it’s probably hard for people who never deal with real catastrophes to understand, but when things like that get messed up, the aftereffects crawl into your psyche and burn a hole in your brain for days, if not YEARS, because of all the preparation that went into that simple, beautiful, but now fucked up, dream. Think about it: Does anything on this earth matter as much as a parent’s dream for her child? Especially if that dream is to procure an amazing ladybug hat to top off a special event? Try putting yourself in a mother’s shoes before you’re quick to judge. It’s all about priorities, you know?

1. Claws

Something we should clear up is that bears — mama bears or otherwise — have non-retractable claws, so the claws don’t “come out,” because they’re ALWAYS out. I really wish they taught this in Mama Bear 101, but since they apparently don’t, I wanted to mention it.

Speaking of classes, people who play the “my husband is an attorney and will sue the shit out of you” card should read up on alternative methods of conflict resolution. That card is about as effective as the fake credit cards you receive in the mail. I know “my spouse will sue you” is typically uttered in jest, but jest and cliches make an awfully boring pair. We’re not even talking about someone who didn’t smileat a baby, which is a crime that can be aggressively prosecuted, but rather an undelivered HAT.

2. Mild Irritations

Haha! “Legal” letters, lol. Granted, Pink isn’t totally losing her mind over the hat, but she DOES take issue with the fact that it’s not yet arrived. I mean, when you pay for a service, you should get what you pay for, right? When I tell my dry cleaning guy, “I need these shirts cleaned by tonight,” I expect the shirts to be ready! When I tell a bartender, “I want you to make me a strong margarita,” don’t hand me a weak drink! A customer — nay, a lady— deserves to be treated with respect.

3. All Smiles

When in doubt, DIY. And that’s just what this can-do mom did! Her daughter’s colors are red and black, and none of that pink and white shit was going to work, so she got crafty! Everybody knows mothers are preeetttyyyyy much the craftiest of all crafters anyway, because, duh! They made a baby! 

4. Feeling Much Better

A new business venture? This saga keeps turning out for the best! Unless of course Yellow is doing that thing that SO MANY WOMEN DO where they leave comments like, “OMG that scarf is beautiful! You should start an Etsy shop!” or, “OMG that vomit story you told is hilarious. You have GOT to write a book!” Because something tells me whatever talent Pink exuded in her hat-making skills is something you can “pick up” pretty quickly after reading Martha Stewart’s Kids’ Accessories page. Technically that would mean the hat-making was based more on following basic steps than on sheer talent, but that doesn’t mean I’m questioning Pink’s devotion to making the perfect ladybug hat. I would never doubt her commitment to sparkle motion.

5. Luck

AHHHHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER AND LOUD HAND CLAPPING WILL NOW ENSUE!

Let’s remember that this “hat journey” began on May 31st, continued into June 1st, and it’s STILL June 1st in this status update. Whew! Talk about a roller coaster of a day, you guys. This poor mother has been put through the wringer over something as silly — and yet as crucial — as a hat. Never forget the Ladybug Party Hat Meltdown of 2012. These 36 hours will go down in Hat History, y’all. You can trust me on that.

(submitted by Anonymous)

There are two types of people in this world: those who thrive on drama, and those who enjoy watching drama play out like the plane crash scene in “Con Air.” You can say you don’t like drama, but what you mean is, “I don’t like being involved in drama. I don’t want to get arrested.” It doesn’t mean you don’t get a thrill out of watching other people lose their minds over something like flavored water or getting a call from a crackhead in Detroit. That’s just human nature!

And does it come as any surprise that today’s example of crazy drama is about a woman who calls herself “Makais’Mommie” as part of her Facebook username? What’s up with vanity names, anyway? Why do 94% of people use just their first and last names in their Facebook username, while the other 6% list theirs as “Mikey ~Ca$$$h m0nEyy~” or “Shawna ♥♥LovesBeingBraedynsMommy♥♥”? Is it just an ode to MySpace?

Let’s check out what Kristina “Makais’Mommie” had to say about her son’s first birthday party and collectively wonder why she had a public Facebook Breakdown (because we may never really know what transpired):

1. The Announcement

I don’t know when this screenshot was taken in relation to when it was posted, but zero ‘Likes’ is a bad sign. I do know that Kristina started posting a minimum of 53 days before the party:

At least watching Scared Straight got some ‘Likes.’

2. RSVP Info

RULES: Don’t say you’re coming if you’re not sure, but also don’t NOT saying you’re coming and then still show up because that will send Kristina Makais’Mommie into a spiral of crazy so PLEASE PEOPLE just RSVP or this is only going to GET SO MUCH WORSE and you will REGRET it.

3. Notifications

I love hate to point out the obvious, but Kai is turning ONE year old so no, the lack of attendance will not phase him, but it’s because his brain is still developing and he hardly knows how to walk. The only person who cares about this party is Kristina, and her foundation is cracking.

4. Still Pre-RSVP Deadline

THIS PARTY IS A COSTUME PARTY AND FOOD IS EXTREMELY CRUCIAL. BUT ALSO YOU CAN BRING FOOD, NBD BUT YOU CAN. YELLING GETS KRISTINA MAKAIS’MOMMIE’S POINTS ACROSS OR AT LEAST THAT’S THE IDEA SINCE NO ONE SEEMS INTERESTED IN RSVP’ING TO SHARE IN THE DELIGHT OF A LITTLE BOY’S BIRTHDAY. FOR THOSE OF YOU STILL READING DON’T FORGET TO DRESS UP OR PURCHASE A GIFT FROM THE INFANT’S REGISTRY. =)=)

5. No Ass-Bending

Even though we don’t know all of the details that led to this rant, it’s safe to assume that Kristina Makais’Mommie is PISSED that her son’s relatives won’t travel out of their way in Bugs Bunny costumes with professionally-wrapped gifts from Kai’s registry and MAYBE some snacks and potato salad, for ONE FREAKING DAY for her son. Not ONE.DAY.FOR.MAKAI. That’s a steaming pile of horse shit considering every single person has known about the party for MONTHS IN ADVANCE since Kristina’s been talking about it for MONTHS AND MONTHS. I guess now she knows who to avoid at the next reunion. And hey, three people ‘Liked’ this update. Progress!

(submitted by Anonymous)

Last year I posted a round-up of updates about childbirth ”memories,” and today I’m proudly rolling out the sequel. These parents would much rather reflect on the “birth” part of a child’s birthday than reminisce about first smiles or first steps like most people do. Actually, most people just say something like, “Happy birthday to my [son/daughter] who’s turning [age here]! They grow up so fast!” But nooooo, not these parents. They want to share a little more detail than that! 

I mean, duh, your child is turning six, whoop-dee-freakin’-doo. What everyone really wants to know is, when did the water break, was the birth vaginal, and did you make a placenta-truffle casserole or just eat it raw??? Here are seven parents who heard their friends’ silent cries for more, and boy, did they deliver. (Pun intended. Sorry.)

1. Sanctimommy BIRTH Day 

Whoaaa Jeannine’s getting SASSY with the name drama! I can practically hear her emphasizing each syllable in that first line. She may as well have said, “I’m pretty sure his birth certificate says LOGAN, Tiff. You stupid nickname-doling bitch.” Also, what does “I did everything I could to try to pick a name people couldn’t put a nickname on” mean? Did Jeannine hold focus groups to test her favorite names? Did she write down every single nickname possibility for every single preferred name and use process of elimination? It must be tough having done all that research and still wound up with Logie. Do her friends not recognize that she fucking HATES the nickname Logie and will publicly berate them until they stop using it? Giving Logan’s Day a shout out on Jeannine’s wall is a given, so the least Tiffany could’ve done is used some goddamn common sense when addressing him by name.

And speaking of hard work, way to be humble in your birthday update, Jeannine. You go girl. I’m sure as the years go by, you will continue to be amazed by your amazing homebirth in status updates on Facebook. 

2. Kayds

Yay, Kayds! (short for the ever-popular Kadence?!?) And yay, Natasha, for working in a mention of your water breaking for what may be five years in a row on Facebook. ♥ Not that the day your water broke should be forgotten, but it can easily pass without being mentioned five years after it happened.

3. Love Is a Battlefield

I don’t know who this woman is, but I want to be her friend. I want her to write long updates like this about our Thelma & Louise-style adventures and describe them as “a hell of a time.” I want her to call me “chunky butt” and “boobaby” and convince me to change my name to something like Kahrtridge. Is that too much to ask??

4. Placenta Smoothie < Birthday Cake

Aww, who could forget the day Red sucked down a temporary organ in smoothie form? Who could forget the taste of heaven? I’ll tell you: No one! Two things I know in life: 1. You don’t know love until you have a baby, and 2. You don’t know FLAVOR until you gulp down a viscous, bloody beverage made of liquified human meat.

5. Pushing & Squeezing

How sweet is this message? I only wish I could see the previous messages written on Pink’s other birthdays. :( I guess now I see why people use social media as a digital scrapbook. When Pink is older, she’ll be able to look back on her mother’s messages with a love and respect that she hadn’t previously understood. And yes, I’m talking about her mother’s vagina. 

Here’s the thing: If her vagina has fully recovered, why is she still talking about it online????

6. Va Jay Jay

First we read about people hopping on Jannielle’s va jay jay, and now we’re reading about 6-year-old Lucien popping out of Carolyn’s va jay jay. I’m starting to feel like I’m reading Vagina Dr. Seuss. Why am I calling this Birthday Week when it’s so obviously Va Jay Jay Week? And why am *I* the first person to come up with Va Jay Jay Week? Women several generations before me should’ve thought of this. We should be celebrating the 100th Anniversary of Va Jay Jay Week, not commemorating va jay jays as if they only now started to matter! BTW if you offended by Va Jay Jay Week… UP YOUR ASS!

7. VaGiNa Tears

Did anyone else picture this when reading “…came weeping out of my VaGiNa”? Just checking. I’m also kind of picturing a vagina weeping on the steps of the Capitol like the mopey bill in the Schoolhouse Rock song, even though I realize that Jaclyn is referring to her baby (who is now eight years old). Yay for vaginas, indeed. Viva Va Jay Jay Week!

Related: Delivery Reenactment

(submitted by Anonymous)