This year, Valentine’s Day felt a lot more like Valentine’s Week, with people obsessing over love in its various forms all over the internet and in retail. I actually stood in a drugstore and debated with myself for a solid 30 seconds before opting to push the button on one of those landfill-destined mechanical flower cards. It’s like no matter how much people seem to disparage or attempt to downplay this particular Hallmark holiday, it just keeps getting bigger. The more we hate on Valentine’s Day, the more determined the world is for everyone to love it. What a pile of horse shit.
Needless to say, love was in the air for the past week, so it’s time we take a look at some of the different types of love that parents were celebrating on Facebook. There was plenty to go around.
1. Vomitous Love
Another way of phrasing Bethany’s comment might be, “Thanks for the puke story, Amber. Based on your use of the word “copious” to describe the quantity, I was quickly able to impart a visual. And now I’m off to refill my birth control prescription.”
I should also note here that it’s only marginally funny to put words into the mouth of a vomiting baby. I’ve seen a lot of people employing this status update method on Facebook, but unfortunately the moment is over. No longer is it clever to post things like, “”Here mommy, a gift!”, says the 3-month-old as she poops on my hand at the park…” or, “My sweet, precious newborn just expressed his love for me in the form of a gassy smile. Thanks for the stink bomb, son!” These stories don’t paint an amusing or adorable picture so much as they do a greenish, putrid one.
2. Bold Declarations
There are but a few among us who call out their friends for addressing their non-literate, non-profile having babies on social media. Red hasn’t gone so far as to create an account for her child, meaning that the only way her baby will see this message is if Red pulls it up to say, “Look, baby, mommy loves you so much she told you so on the internet!” And hey, maybe she will do that. Maybe that’s the goal. But judging by her “Ugh” comment, I’m guessing that she’s just annoyed that one of her friends pointed out the obvious. Can’t a mother tell her child that her laughter is like sunshine on Facebook without being scrutinized for it?!?
3. Fully Exposed Love
This is Facebook poetry. Sure, Tabitha’s daughter is the reason for Tabitha’s lack of privacy, but she holds the key to Tabitha’s heart, so it’s all good. She’s worth it. She even inspired words like “freetime” and slang like “espec.” She’s a little miracle and Tabitha wouldn’t trade her to bathe alone for even a second! ♥
4. Sanctimommy Love
I don’t know what all of these ladies are up to, since we sadly can’t see all seven comments, but I’m pretty sure they’re saying that they’re the shit for being loving, watchful parents. And what’s more, they’ve managed to leave room in their generous mom hearts to pity all of the parents out there who don’t love their children as much as they do. Soo sweet. Stacy still loves her grills like they just rolled into her life yesterday. And every morning she takes a moment to feel sorry for ALL the moms who don’t love their babies like she does. That woman is a fucking saint. She and Beverly have earned some serious points toward their parenting merit badges.
5. Tainted Love
Oh smelly, stinky, farty boys!! How their moms love them so!! ♥ They love their funny faces, their constant diaper loads, and most of all they love their smelly poop that smells like sweetpopcorn!
And just think, one day those smelly little boys will be smelly BIG boys who use the potty all by themselves.
Yikes. I think it’s safe to say that Kelly’s ass has been put on blast. Elizabeth’s reaction is so perfect, I don’t even have anything else to add. Except, okay, one thing, in case Kelly is reading: Kelly, your friends don’t want to see your kid’s poop. Heart pancakes, heart socks, heart-shaped freckles…Fine. Heart poop? No. That “little poop” came out of your son’s ass and is sitting in a shallow pool of urine. Next time, don’t grab your camera; just pull the flush handle. It may pain you to do that, but love hurts even the best of us.
Related: The 2012 Valentine’s Day Love Edition
(submitted by Anonymous)