This week on Mommyish, I followed up on a hawt story I wrote about last year in a post called “A Mother’s Love.” This very special kind of love involves a woman, her son, and Facebook. The submissions range from “weird” to “skinny dipping,” and reading them makes me squint and unconsciously shake my head “no, no, no” like my brain is rejecting the information. They confuse and amuse in the sickest of ways.
I just don’t understand why these women post this stuff on Facebook. If I eat something off the floor (not that floor food is really my thing, per se), I’m not going to post about it online for everyone to read. I don’t like the idea of the whole world knowing that I did something disgusting, and I would never enjoy creeping out my friends by pretending that my non-existent son is my “boyfriend.” But there are a lot of women with real children who do. Their love for their sons cannot be contained. It must be shared with the world. And now I’m sharing it here with you.
These are my “favorite” examples of “A Mother’s Love”…Round 2!
1. Prized Possessions
Becki sure is a lucky lady. She’s got a son who loves her, and his most prized possession digesting in her body like a sacrament. Or perhaps like when you share gum with your crush in junior high school. Something like that. It was a precious gift, and Becki appreciated it so much that she wrote this update on the internet. ♥♥♥
2. A Mother’s Love
OH SNAP, Heather just told Malissa what time it was. And, of course, she’s right. The correlation between a “real mother’s” love and poo-related retrievals is obvious and direct. The rawer the approach, the more love a mother has. FACT. Do not even think about telling people that you love your child if you use a net or an old pot to retrieve said deposit. At least stick your hand in a plastic bag like you would do for your dog on the street. Do you love your child as much as a dog? That’s what I thought. Gloveless or STFU. His favoriteLego deserves it.
3. A Night With My Son :-)
Ooh la la, Regan’s planned for quite the evening with her precious son. Fresh fruit, seasonal vegetables, some snuggles, and the sly suggestion of a little late night skinny dipping. Swoon. It’s everything that a son could ask for and so much more.
4. Date Night
The best thing about this submission is that it was written by the same woman who wrote the OG “Mother’s Love” submission, aka “Li’l Oedipus,” and she’s still on a roll with her updates (heh). From the gluten-free pasta to the “quiet” rendition of “Tango Maureen”, romance was certainly in the air on this one. I wonder if they broke into a little harmonizing on “Seasons of Love” after that, or if they just fed each other chocolate pudding and laid around on a sheepskin rug.
5. Codependence
This is a lot like that post about “eyes that can see right through in2 her Soul.” I understand it, because I have the exact same feeling when I’m looking at pork buns. Those perfect delicious bite-sized appetizers just get me. But that doesn’t mean I go on Facebook to tell everyone about it. The kind of love I share with pork buns, tacos, and sandwiches is only for us. K., however, takes the exact opposite approach, making sure everyone in her friends list knows that she and her son are in a serious relationship, and the love they share is so piercing, so dreamlike, that she can hardly believe her bliss. That’s how I know she’s delusional.
6. Wait For It
Wow, do I feel sorry for the poor woman who ends up with Paige’s son. Did anyone ever watch that episode of “National Geographic’s Taboo” about “adult baby” role playing? Her son’s confused fantasy isn’t too far off from that. Maybe they can make this work, actually. Science is improving each day, and by the time Paige’s son is her age, maybe he will be able to breastfeed her. And then they can star in their own TV special!
7. More Date Night
At first I thought this was one of those submissions where the mom set up her kid’s Facebook page so she could write herself self-congratulatorylove notes from “him.” But then I read the submitter’s email, which said this poster is actually a 29-year-old dude, and now I just think it’s the weirdest mama’s boy submission I’ve ever gotten. Here’s how our conversation played out:
Submitter: “It’s weird when a mom has a ‘datenight’ with her baby/kid… but what about a 29 year old having a datenight with his mommy?”
Me: “The person who wrote this is a 29-year-old male who is being serious?”
Submitter: “Haha, yeah. There’s no sarcasm in that status. Complete seriousness.”
Maybe they went to a go-kart raceway.
8. Tounging
I think if Raquel had spelled “tonguing” the right way, I would see more humor in this update. But something about the way “tounging” sounds in my head makes me think of it as “one step further from tonguing.” Phillip’s not just French kissing his brother, he’s French kissing his brother on ecstasy. I mean, so to speak. He should probably stop doing that.
9. Da Man
Last but abso-fuckin’-lutely not least, we have Kate and her son kissing in a homecoming-style photo pose in their formal wear. I know this is just a loving picture between a mother and her child, and that many parents kiss their children on the mouth, but I have to wonder if this exact same photo would’ve been taken if it was of Kate and her daughter, or, more specifically, if she’d call her daughter “da woman” afterward. I’m gonna go with “hail no.” And therefore, this picture weirds me out. If it was taken at a mother-son function, I’m even more weirded out. And if these two slow-danced to The Carpenters “Close To You” after this picture was taken, please nobody tell me. I just don’t want to know.
For an even more comprehensive look at what a mother’s love entails, head over to Mommyish to read my column! It will leave you feeling exactly like this one, so you might want to put on your brave face before reading.
(submitted by Anonymous)