OK! Let’s kick off the holiday post festivities with a round-up, shall we? Last week on Mommyish, I compiled some examples of Facebook faux pas to avoid this holiday season, and this round-up is an even more comprehensive version of that column. After all, there’s a variety of seasonal updates that parents post during the holidays, and many of them are worth showcasing here. The more the merrier, that’s what I always say! Here are 9 types of updates that parents should avoid posting this holiday season (or any holiday season):
1. The Mom Who’s Obsessed With Elf On The Shelf
Of all the incredibly annoying Elf on the Shelf updates, I think the ones with outlandish stories annoy me the most. It’s not so much that I’m thinking, “Good God, please spend less time on Pinterest / Facebook / impressing your children / impressing your friends / GAHH!!!”, even though, yes, that is sort of what I’m thinking. It’s mostly that I can’t understand why a grown adult would “explain” a game that was created for a toddler to her grown friends on the internet. The elf is not the one “doing crazy stuff to take the attention off of the kiddos.” It’s a toy that was fancifully placed on a piece of string by a loving mom who’s playing dolls with her kids. Let’s leave it at that, people.
Did “Timmy” make a snow angel, or did Candice just create what appears to be a slightly creepy skull shape with a pile of cocaine flour on her kitchen counter? I GUESS WE’LL NEVER KNOW.
I’ve wavered between thinking this is insane and thinking it deserves a Gold Star. I’m still at a loss, but I will say that the tinted water kind of freaks me out. An Elf on the Toilet that poops peppermints is all fine and dandy until the candy starts turning the water red. After that, the elf officially has its period, and everyone should just collect their toys and go home.
2. The MommyJacker
Oh, M., get over yourself. J. is talking about a party that involves the exchange and consumption of dozens of delicious cookies, and you’re using her invitation as an excuse to make a stale “bun in the oven” joke. Let me ask you something: Does your baby come with colorful sugar sprinkles or festive icing? Yeah. Didn’t think so.
If you’re going to Christmas tree-jack a person’s update with a story about giving birth on Christmas Day, at least make it a good story. Was it snowing? Were the overnight nurses drinking whiskey? Did anyone make a chunky stew out of the placenta? Give us something. Hasn’t Red told this story at least two dozen times? I can’t believe that in all those years she still hasn’t managed to spice it up by saying that her doctor came to the OR dressed as Santa or that church bells rang out after her son was born. Bor-ing.
3. The “Mommy Tickles Santa Claus” Oversharer
What’s worse - telling your friends you’re pregnant again on Christmas by declaring that you and your husband have been “naughty,” or calling yourself and your husband “Mommy and Daddy” in the context of making a baby? Note to all parents everywhere: Third person“mommy/daddy” talk sounds disturbing even when you’re not talking about sex. When you are, it’s like eating shards of broken ornament glass.
4. The Analogist
Some people are determined to make terrible holiday analogies, even if they conjure up images of pulled taffy breasts with decorative tassels. Nursing breasts aren’t just stretched and sore; they’re like elf shoes. (Ahem, not “shoe’s.” Can everyone please learn how to pluralize words in 2013?) I suppose on the bright side, it’s better for Mere’s “tittys” to be like elf shoes than like those mini candy canes, but that reprieve works more in her favor than her friends’.
5. The Mom Who Complains About Elf On The Shelf On A Business Page
One way you know that a person has a few screws loose is if she CAPITALIZES random WORDS throughout her RANTS on FACEBOOK. Another way you know is if she’s complaining about a toy elf, whom she simply calls “Elf,” being displayed at chain retail stores where toy elves are typically sold. This Elf outrage has made the scene a few times this year, most notably after the Elf on the Shelf was discussed on Good Morning America, and it doesn’t seem to be going anywhere anytime soon. By 2014, moms will be filing class action suits against stores like Target for infringing on their children’s right to BELIEVE in Santa Claus’s helper.
6. The Mom Who Complains About Her First World Problems
I can understand being pissed off after receiving your kid’s gift in the wrong color, but what I can’t understand is taking that complaint to Facebook and acting like the world owes you a massive fucking favor because your 5-year-old got the wrong color of “Black Escalade Hybrid” (which, as it happens, was once listed as one of The Most Expensive Gift[s] at 12 American Retailers). Screw your kid’s stupid toy Escalade that’s “loaded with luxury features!”. Screw the “power lock brake system, radio with rear speakers, and chrome wheels and grill.” If there’s one thing I hate more than a real Escalade, it’s an Escalade for children ages 3-6.
7. The Mom Who Brags About Spoiling Her Kids
Holly bought her kids so much crap that she’s too exhausted to type it all out. She cannot be bothered with punctuation after wrapping all of those toys, clothes, shoes, and whatever else Walmart sells. I hope her husband is surprising her with a bigger house for Christmas. That’s the only reasonable solution to this problem.
Holly isn’t posting continuous updates to make herself look good. Nope. Not at all. She’s just documenting her Christmas process to spread yuletide cheer via charming “complaints” about “running out of room” for presents around the tree. Life can be hard when everything comes in abundance! It’s like, HELLO, where do you park the new Saab when you only have a two-car garage?
OMG so true, UNLESS Holly’s husband surprised her by buying that aforementioned bigger house. At the very least we can hope he gifted her a future home addition to expand the parameters a bit. Sometimes you just need a bigger space to hold all of your kids’ unnecessary shit.
8. The Mom Who Grosses Everyone Out
Nothing like a warm ‘n fuzzy Christmas stocking overflowing with vomit and diarrhea to get people into the holiday spirit. Personally, I would’ve gone with more solid materials like cute little tchotchkes or Pez dispensers or crayons, but I guess vomit and diarrhea have a certain je ne sais quoi that will stick in children’s minds and stand the test of time. Think about it: Would you remember the year your mother stuffed your stocking with socks, or the year she stuffed it with your own vomit and diarrhea?
9. The Mom Who Gifts Another Terrible Name Unto The World
Last but not least, we have the best present ever, otherwise known as a bunch of oversized Scrabble pieces that’ve been cobbled together to spell a baby name. I do so enjoy the exchange Alis has with Jennifer (not that “Alis” is spelled much better than “Piersyn”). It’s the first of many confusing exchanges that Jennifer will probably have with people about her child’s name. Better get used to it now! Ho Ho Horrible babynames are the gift that keep on giving.
For more examples of Facebook faux pas parents should probably avoid during the holidays, read my column over on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)