This week on Mommyish, I stunk up the joint with some delightful bath poop submissions in an effort to bring awareness to this smelly posting practice. I don’t know about you guys, but to me “bath poop” sounds like a frightening oxymoron, and the less I know, the better. Am I disgusted by the mere thought of children shitting in the bath? Sure, but I can deal with it. If taken one step further, though, by reading long-winded descriptions and/or looking at photos, I start to feel a little pukey.
It’s not that I’m unaware that kids poop in the bath; I am aware, and I realize that it happens to the best of us (or something). What nauseates me is that for many parents, poop in the bath is an occasion, and therefore all the juicy details must be spilled on Facebook. (Ew.) They can’t just clean up the kid and the tub and call it a night. Nope. They must inform their friends that not only did their child poop today, but that the poop floated in several gallons of bath water, too. It’s revolting, really, and even though we’ve seen and read about a handful of examples on the blog before, I felt that a round-up was due in honor of Fright Fest. Plus, the subject sort of reminds me of the gross games people play in haunted houses (e.g. sticking your hand in a bowlful of “eyeballs” aka grapes). If there was a haunted house dedicated solely to parent overshare, there would definitely be some fake “bath poop” bobbing in an old clawfoot tub.
And with that horrifying image firmly set (ugh) in your minds, here are 6 examples of bath poop updates that never should’ve made it to Facebook:
1. It’s All In The Details
Aw, how sweet is this? Tobi essentially wrote an ode to her daughter! Even when that precious little angel has diarrhea in the bath and bites the [expletive!] out of her mother’s nipple, her mom still loves her. SO darling. I do find it funny, though, that Tobi is more hesitant to write the word “shit” on Facebook than she is to describe “Lulamonster’s” literal shit. I think they call that backward logic.
2. Discard Methods Pt. I
1. “Jace” and “Janessa” = someone’s been watching too much Duggars TV.
2. “gotta love them shitty moments :)”? I know many parents who’d beg to differ.
3. Fun Fact: Mommy never “has” to pick up human waste with her bare hands. That is fucking disgusting. You can pick up kid poop the same way you pick up dog poop - with a plastic bag. You just flush the poop sans bag, and it doesn’t require you to go “fishing” with your bare hands. Come on, people.
OF COURSE this kid’s name is Hudson. His mom is on Facebook talking about herself in the third person and using the word “poopy,” so Hudson definitely fits the bill. I love the way she plops pops into the comments to say, “Don’t stress!!” like a real mother hen might. “Just put on a sweater, have some hot cocoa, and remember that poop in the bath is not an everyday thing. :-)”
Also, K. is the unsung hero of this post, simply because her lack of punctuation helped me to forget everything else I’d just read.
4. Communication Breakdown
It appears that by the end of writing this status update, Christine’s mood had transformed from “slightly annoyed” to “manic.” She begins by politely announcing her intention to tell a “vulgar” story, but by the time she’s done she sounds like the Hulk. “MOMMY PISSED. ANGRY MOMMY.” I’m thinking the seal was broken in more ways than one.
5. Discard Methods Pt. II
I address this idiocy on Mommyish, too, but what kind of person asks herself whether to scoop out human feces from the bath and flush it, OR take the time to smoosh it down the drain? That’s like asking whether to throw away a package of old, rotting hot dogs in the garbage OR shove them down the kitchen sink. Baffling.
6. Kid-Shaming
This submission impresses me because it’s only the second one I’ve ever posted that features editing designed by the parent herself. Except, unlike the other example, this one has multiple fonts, clip art, and the acronym “LOL” written exactly as I would’ve written it on neon yellow poster board in 1985, if “LOL” had existed in 1985.
Thank goodness Michelle didn’t spare us any detail regarding the poop itself. Wouldn’t want to cover that up! And hey, fuck it, let the kid sit in the tub for a few extra seconds just to get the picture. She’s fine. It’s not like the poop didn’t come out of her, and besides, pigs sit in their own filth all day. She’s just sitting next to it for like a minute. What could possibly go wrong?
Don’t forget to check out my column over on Mommyish! It thankfully doesn’t have any photo examples, but there is one submission that includes the line, “Hey, it looks like there is meconium in her water!” Y’all don’t want to miss that.
(submitted by Anonymous)