New Year's Eve MEGA Round-Up!

Continuing with my new tradition of posting about holidays anywhere from 1-4 weeks after they occur, let’s finally talk about the New Year in what will surely go down as one of the longest, most delayed, and most pointless posts of all time!

Celebrating on New Year’s Eve and posting on social media go together like Vagena Tamphen Pohtaytar and Vadgesty Foxi Maiden. You almost can’t have one without the other. But as we've seen on the blog over the years, New Year’s Eve is one of those holidays that’s often met with wide-ranging emotions depending on whether a person has small children or not. When a person has no babies or toddlers, updates generally read as “people celebrating the New Year.” But if a person does have a baby or toddler (or both), status updates can fall into a completely different set of brackets. Let’s check out what parents were posting about on New Year’s Eve 2013:

1. Fucking. Fireworks.

The number of parents who post on the internet and “address” their neighbors who are shooting off fireworks increases every year. I’m not discounting that some of these neighbors might actually be Facebook friends, but even then, only one party appears to be online while the other is apparently busy shooting off fireworks. So really, what’s the point of posting about it? 

I’m not saying Facebook isn’t the place to commiserate, but on New Year’s Eve, I’m not too quick to dole out sympathy. Yes, some people are total imbeciles and shouldn’t be able to get their hands on explosives – we know this – but if you woke up on December 31st assuming that you and your baby would peacefully hit the hay around 9:15pm, you should probably recalibrate your expectations.

Part of the reason fireworks enrage some parents is because they want to be able to go outside and yell, “GET OFF MY LAWN!”, except the nimrods who are setting off the fireworks are technically on their own property. You’d think that, much like local sex offenders, these jerks would be legally forced to register themselves as “Fireworks Steve” or “Nimrod Bob With The Pyrotechnics” so that neighbors would know precisely who to blame on New Year’s Eve, but nope. Somehow they’re not. It’s almost like these explosives-loving monsters are trying to taunt parents and their children for no reason other than to celebrate a worldwide holiday. 

Chin up, Mary. Lots of people have spent at least one New Year’s Eve puking, screaming, and gassy. Your family’s not alone!

Ah yes, the “check out my latest problem, this annoying thing is totally annoying me, and oh yeah HAPPY FREAKIN’ NEW YEAR!” status update. Usually this type of Facebook complaint is reserved for after midnight, but Kim opted to kick things off early this NYE. Why squander those final hours of the year when there’s still whining to be had?!

I don’t typically shoot off fireworks on New Year’s Eve myself, but I do feel that someone should speak for the “stupid ass’s” in this scenario. Rebecca, here is a lesson on how to pluralize words correctly. YOUR WELCOME. #burn

It is now late January 2014. Who’s going to make me a t-shirt that says “I have a sleep baby people!” in big block letters??!? Someone, I hope. If that someone is you, please email me for my physical address so I can start wearing the shirt around Brooklyn ASAP. Preesh.

I don’t know what you were thinking either, Amy, because it sounds like a large stick (possibly a Roman Candle) has been lodged up your ass for the past decade. Yeah yeah, New Year’s Day with a baby isn’t always fun, but hey, you wouldn’t have that baby without indulging in a few cheap thrills of your own, right? Sure, Roman Candles are annoying sometimes, but bullhorns are annoying all the time. If you can’t resolve to be nicer this year, you can at least resolve not to be unbearable.

2. New Year-jacking

“Hey, you overzealous travel braggart, guess what you know nothing about? ADVENTURES. Guess what parents know everything about? EVERYTHING. Congratulations, Geoff, you piddled around Europe. How awesome-sauce. But what did you really learn from your travels? That you’re "globally selfish”? That you “appreciate other cultures”? LOL. Have some babies and then we’ll talk about culture! Enjoy your “adventures” until you finally figure it all out stateside.“

I "wonder” if Sarah has ever read a friend’s parenting update on social media and not hijacked it with a comment about her own kid’s behaviors and achievements? Why allow a fellow mother go on feeling optimistic about her baby sleeping through the night when she could preemptively anticipate future growth spurts and agonize over future sleepless nights? Everyone knows the possibility of having mom friends who don’t consistently burst their friends’ bubbles is just a myth!

Oh, Helena. You’ve got the mind of a nagging grandmother in the body of a young Gen Xer. You must be “The Mom” in your group of friends – the one who always carries extra hand sanitizer in her purse and can’t stop talking about her friends’ viable eggs. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that they enjoy the subtle tips.

3. Poop and Puke Celebrations

Carey’s grammar aside, I can understand the impulse to start the new year by pooping in an actual toilet, so kudos to little Landon. HOWEVER, as much as Landon and his parents are thrilled that he deposited his turds in a big boy potty, Regan’s friends probably weren’t scrolling through their newsfeeds on NYE hoping to catch any breaking news about his pooping habits. 

Celebrating poop in the potty? Okay. But on New Year’s Eve, most people are celebrating the marking of a new year, sometimes by consuming too much alcohol. And in that sense, we’re ALL celebrating keeping our underwear dry on NYE, you know? Not saying it isn’t an impressive feat for a toddler, just that if she crapped her pants on New Year’s, I wouldn’t really hold it against her. Either way, thanks for the informative rundown, Amanda.

Haha, that Ryker. He’s SUCH a Ryker, literally raining down on 2014 before 2014 even had a chance to start. You know what they say: How you spend New Year’s Eve will dictate how the rest of the year will play out. By that logic, baby Ryker will continue peeing all over his parents, and they will continue posting about it on Facebook. Seems about right.

Cool, Michelle, thanks for posting a screenshot of your “puke texture” exchange on Facebook so everyone could accurately picture the consistency. Whenever a friend tells me she got sick on New Year’s Eve, I’m always yearning for more specifics. Was the barf watery or chunky? Did it happen in a toilet, a sink, or in the back of a cab? Details, please!!!

tl;dr: Joy finds actualjoy in mopping up her kid’s vomit; her friend Judy tells a quaint tale about the time her son threw up “directly” in her face, so like…; then Joy confirms that puke often comes out of suspicious-looking, wide open children’s mouths. The End.

4. How Sanctimommies Celebrate NYE

If Heather planned to put her phone on airplane mode, why did she write that initial status update? To express the extent of her New Year’s cheer? To say to the world, “New Year, Old Me!”? Or simply to scare her friends into saying “Happy New Year in advance!”? Maybe it’s a little of all of the above. But hey, at least she’s still got a sense of humor about these things. :) 

Ugh, is anything worse than a childless bimbo who doesn’t want to hang out with babies and toddlers on New Year’s Eve? Talk about small-minded. If there’s one “type” of person on this planet that’s living an empty and meaningless life, it’s The Childless Woman. Those single bar-hoppers spend all of their time partying and clubbing in their stupid fucking size S sequin halter tops with their freshly-manicured nails, and worst of all, they don’t even know what unconditional love means. Pathetic.

Luckily, awesome moms can count on their totally awesome friends for support after eavesdropping on encountering a pair of dumb bitches:

It’s a good thing these moms know what life is all about and don’t have to stoop to the level of two bitchy bimbos without kids. Maybe one day those girls will finally “get it”!

5. Fetus Parties

Last but never least, a couple of fetuses spoke from the womb and embraced 2014 via festive Facebook messages. Just look at li'l Mizeph Xander waving to us from inside his mom! That wacky lump of cells sure knows how to party. But can he compete with other fetuses that are dancing the night away? Mizeph doesn’t even have a party hat, much less a bunch of bling:

Sarah’s little party animal wears every single chain even when he’s in the house, and he stays up past his bedtime to celebrate the New Year. Out of everyone featured in this insanely long and boring post, I think I’d want to hang out with this fetus the most.

Happy Late January New Year, everyone! To read my Top 6 Overshare Tips For Parents in 2014, click over to my Mommyish column right here!

Related: New Year’s Eve Round-Up 2013

(submitted by Anonymous)