For the final installment of this last year’s holiday posts, I’m sticking with the timeless tradition of examining the real meaning of Christmas: presents. Over the years, Christmas has gone from a holiday about togetherness and goodwill to a pricey gift bonanza comprised of miniature ponies and the latest tech accessories. Or worse – a gift bonanza primarily consisting of plastic gifts that were made by tiny children (for tiny children!) and cost under $10 apiece. Some parents (and grandparents) are determined to buy so much cheap shit for their kids/grandkids, they’ve essentially filled their homes with massive piles of garbage toys. Many suburban houses are just privately owned landfills festooned with mountains of disposable, brightly colored junk.
Forget about the fact that kids usually get bored of their toys within 72 hours of playing with them (particularly when they have 300 other toys to play with). The types of parents who freak out about not purchasing a popular item by December 24th or who relish in showering their kids with several sleighs’ worth of gifts are the same types who frequently document their lives on Facebook and Instagram. Every Christmas is another opportunity to prove how “blessed” or devoted to their children they are (i.e. “Did you see how much awesome crap my kids got? Even more than last year!”). The thing I really don’t understand is the ‘Wall of Toys’photos some parents post, either to humbly say 'thank you’ (to gift-giving friends, relatives, and the big man upstairs for making this Christmas a super phat one), OR to say 'HAHA BITCHES!! You WISH your kids got this much shit for Christmas!’, which, one could argue, is more often than not the case. It’s weird, and sometimes you can’t find their children in the pictures. Baby Raiden may be a toddler now, but that only means his parents probably buy bigger (and more) stuff! That’s just how some people roll.
Let’s check out some examples:
1. Toy Stress
Sorry, Lauren. That feeling you’re experiencing is not death, it’s a suffocating form of consumerism that causes parents to believe their kids won’t love them if they don’t buy them expensive gaming consoles for Christmas. Unfortunately, the only way to shake this feeling is by volunteering at a soup kitchen, homeless shelter, or food bank, preferably with the kid(s) in tow. That sounds VERY un-Christmas-y and extremely boring, but it’s true. Selflessness is the cure for PS4-induced panic attacks, because that is how this cruel and fucked-up world works. It’s practically torture. It’s worse than Craigslist, MAYBE even worse than paying hundreds of dollars for expensive headphones and getting tuna cans instead. But the trade-off is that you’ll probably avoid getting a knife pulled on you when your kid doesn’t get what he wants for Christmas several years down the road, so in that sense it’s kinda worth it.
2. Hilarious Toddler Christmas
You know what they say: Toddlers are nature’s divas! Lolololol J.’s daughter is such an adorable little queen. “Get the hell out of here.” “Aww, it’s almost a baby toy ;(” Lmao, SO funny and cute. When little kids start sassing everyone at such a young age, all you can do is laugh! Haha. Merry Christmas everyone.
3. Toy-Coma Humblebraggery
Pshhhhh, Holly, no one needs any of your preachy bullshit. Holli-with-an-'i’ is just trying to get her house cleaned top to bottom, and she was merely pointing out the 100 or so presents her kids received in order to substantiate requiring one maid or two child slaves ASAP. Unwrapping 100 or so items results in a LOT of torn paper and ribbon and general messiness, so what Holli really needs right now isn’t advice about being charitable, it’s Christine’s “friend’s” cell phone number!
When Holli posts a smiley face, she’s basically telling you to fuck yourself. Multiple smiley faces in a row = multiple 'fuck you’s in a row. Soo, with that in mind, Holly-with-a-'y’, Y don’t you just go take your pretty red coat and your pretty red boots and your long, stupid hair and your straight, white teeth and donate THOSE things to someone in need, huh? I can think of plenty of people who could use a new set of teeth! Or better yet, an apartment of their own! How about donating your condo, eh, Holly? Or are you just good at pressuring friends to donate their kids’ treasured $.99 toy cars?! Here’s a tip: If you don’t have the number to a reliable, hard-working, and extremely affordable friend maid, don’t bother commenting.
4. Getting a Toy Store For Christmas
Haha, Red, that depends on your definition of “enough”!! Sure, this impenetrable wall of presents appears to be enough, but in this day and age, asking if a Christmas haul is really enough is certainly a worthwhile question. Personally, I think it’s all about context. Compared to other kids today, this butt-load of gifts looks pretty decent, but compared to Christmases throughout time, it’s phenomenal!
Think about it: If a child received a dead frog for Christmas in 1841, a single bicycle wheel in 1905, half a piece of bread in 1934, and a Cabbage Patch doll and Mr. T puzzle in 1984, Red’s kids are doing great. But compared to Valerie's kids’ haul from last year, Red’s kids almost look impoverished:
Gifts, gifts everywhere! Gift-a-palooza! It’s an explosion of love and money and toys! Did you know that there are live human children sitting in this sea of luxury? They’re nearly unrecognizable and are having the time of their lives! They are blessed beyond belief and can’t wait to go “shopping” in their own living room every other week until they leave for college. Lord, let us rejoice in the splendid joy that is Christmas. Amen.
Related: Hayley’s Xmas Disney Wish List
(submitted by Anonymous)