A recent annoying parenting trend has become so all-encompassing, it has quite literally (okay, not literally) taken Facebook by storm. One day the trend didn’t exist, and the next, POOF!, everyone on Facebook knew a hundred-million more “pregnancy facts” about their friends than they’d ever dreamed of knowing (in their nightmares).
It all stemmed from a generic “facts about me” self-survey going around, through which people can conveniently learn that a friend broke his arm in the fourth grade and that his first CD was N.W.A.’s 'Straight Outta Compton.' This chain game of fun and friend-ly facts that’s been winding its way through newsfeeds lately has been a dazzling display of narcissism, but honestly, most of the time they’re pretty enjoyable to read.
Cue the Facebook Moms siren: As soon as the inclusive “facts about me” fad peaked, moms took the reins by spreading a more niche gospel in the form of “facts about my pregnancy.” Over the course of just a few days, dozens of blog submissions were sent in due to moms being so excited about this “new and improved” game, which involves assigning friends a pregnancy facts number when they comment on a post. It’s not that I don’t understand why so many moms have participated in the game; it’s just that the reason people are irked by these lists happens to be the same reason that compels moms to write them. The universal similarities as well as the “fascinating” differences that women experience during pregnancy and childbirth are what provoke them to share their facts, but for the average Facebook user, if you’ve read one list, you’ve read ‘em all. They’re basically spam.
I wrote a column about this trend on Mommyish last week, which I recommend reading for some classic examples, but first check out the below cross-section of submissions to learn more about why the “Pregnancy Facts” trend is so irritating.
1. Keep Going On and On
Whoa, it’s hard to know where to begin with Brittany (who was assigned her number by another Brittany), now that Faith’s stepped into the “facts” ring with that garbled paragraph of nonsense. I mean, yes, I get what she’s talking about, but which part(s) did she "loose," exactly? Did her spleen go somewhere during labor and delivery? Her comment is like body-shaming poetry that I can’t fully decipher. Very different from Brittany’s straightforward status update, which ends with the unfortunate bit about severe hypertension followed by the upbeat “And I could keep going on and on!!! :)” Thankfully, she didn’t.
2. All Kinds of Real Talk
This is quite the list. Ashley ticks every fun fact box in her retrospective about little Lindsey Trinity Sabrina. Plus, everyone should live it up at an amusement park before taking a pregnancy test. That’s what my Mema used to say. I can’t hate on Ashley for relaying that information, but her friends still probably didn’t need to know about the status of her period (before, after, or during her pregnancy). If you are the type of person who actually wants to get updates about a friend’s menstrual cycle, you may want to consider talking that out. Which further begs the question: Why did Ashley even include that part?
3. Totally Not As Serious, Lol
Haha, this good-time gal totally didn’t make the “pregnancy facts” game as serious as everyone else did. She just talked about fun funny fun stuff like shitting her bed…Twice! :), pissing her bed (HAHA that dumb nurse had to clean that pee up and change the sheets!), and gawking in pure amazement that a hole as small as her vagina could stretch to the ends of the earth and back, even with a 3rd degree episiotomy, lol. What a world. What a ride! Even better than the rides you go on at Disneyland before you take a pregnancy test.
4. You May Or May Not Want To Know
My favorite thing about Tracee’s list is the unintentional irony of some of her descriptions. She tells us about literally (for real literally) hurling her guts up while in full blown labor just before describing her ultimate pregnancy diet of slushies, Doritos, and “the little chocolate cupcakes with the swirly icing across the top.” She says she experienced the feeling of being constipated for “about 6 years” just before remarking that it was the "hardest" day of her life. Hers is the breakout comedy birth story no one saw coming — not even her doctor! I can’t wait to watch the movie version.
5. Level 4 WTF
When I first read this, I thought Stacy was just fucking with her friends and wrote some “pregnancy facts” satire. I mean, baby Ted was a triplet who “ate the other 2,” which led to his developing muscular thighs, breaking (and re-breaking) Stacy’s ribs as well as her pelvis,”sprawling” during delivery to escape being born, and ultimately contributing to the “flooding” of the delivery room during a “level 4 C-section”? Isn’t that what happens when you give birth to Peter Parker or something?
Alas, I then received some follow-up comments to reinforce the idea that Stacy is being completely serious:
The doctor was up to her shoulders inside of Stacy’s uterus. And you think YOU had a hard day? No. Tell that to Stacy. Better yet, tell that to Stacy’s doctor. She came thisclose to breaking (the rest of) Stacy’s ribs in order to delivery a human baby that may or may not have actually been a horse. Talk about #scaringtheshit out of Jessica. With stories like this one, it’s going to be a long time before Stacy cooks for Jessica, Jennifer, Robin, or Caroline again. Luckily, she still has Ted, who can apparently eat twice his body weight.
6. Things About My… Baby Daddy’s?
Like any trend with staying power, the “facts about me” game will continue to evolve. How about a “facts about my baby daddy” version? Seems like a great way to vaguely paint a picture of the father of your child. And if you have multiple baby daddy’s daddies, you can contrast and compare them! They say we always fall in love with the same type of person, but that doesn’t mean we always procreate with the same type of person. One baby daddy might have dreads and an attitude problem, while the other has dreads and is a family man! Life is crazy like that.
Tiffany is on the cusp of the next great incarnation of the “things about me” trend, and she’s getting her friends on-board, too:
Okay, how is Jasmine’s baby daddy a father of “6 n a half" kids? And why does she tolerate his horseshit? The man described in this "fun" facts list doesn’t sound like a blessing. He sounds like a douchebag who should stop having both full-sized and half-sized babies with women he’s either cheated with or on. Not to get all Beyoncé about it, but Jasmine, he ain’t worth your time!
7. Mom’s Dad’s Gold Star
Hopefully there will be more lists like Chad’s in the future, because I’ve had about all the pregnancy facts sincerity I can handle. Thanks for keeping it light, Chad. Good luck with your baby bump. I hear it grows steadily when you incorporate more Frito pie and cronuts into your diet, though tacos and cheesecake are a great start.
Don’t forget to read about even more “Pregnancy Facts” in my column over on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)