Over the past few years, the holidays have exploded with various online bonanzas, the reasons for which are so irritatingly “internet generation,” I’m almost hate-posting this entry right now. Aside from the typical Cyber Monday sales explosions, other explosions rooted directly in social media have paved the way for certain holiday trends to flourish for years to come. Probably the best example of this type of trend is the growing popularity (somehow) of the Motherfucking Elf on the Shelf. Without Facebook, Instagram, Flickr, or Pinterest, the Elf on the Shelf would’ve had a decent enough shelf life (heh), but he wouldn’t necessarily be competing on the Santa Claus level. He wouldn’t be up there with Rudolph, or Charlie Brown’s dinky tree, or even Elmo in the ’90s. He’d just be another dumb gimmick that gets passively trotted out during the holidays like a piece of mistletoe.
Let’s face it: If parents didn’t have hundreds of online friends to impress every day, setting up that stupid Elf to look like he’d drawn all over a child’s head would be utterly pointless (i.e. even more pointless than it already is). Staging elaborate scenes in the bathroom or on the kitchen table would be a waste of time. Sure, parents might still stage something funny for their kids — I’m not saying that parents who obsess over the Elf are doing it ALL for their adult friends — but the fact is, the Elf’s popularity has been egregiously catapulted by the internet’s interest. Or rather, by parents’ interest to show off their “creativity” to their friends and other Elf-loving parents, many of whom really don’t care. For every social platform that experiences a surge in popularity (like Pinterest), a product like Elf on the Shelf will follow (and never go away).
With that in mind, this year I wasn’t sure I wanted to be another cog in the Elf’s giant, soul-crushing machine. What am I, if not part of the problem? Is the Elf not already poised to win the 2016 election? At this point, even a blog post that talks shit about the Elf is an advertisement for the Elf. And yet despite that, the grinning little bastard is still worth reflecting on for a few seasonable reasons:
1. The Elf Is Inspiring Gold Star Parents
As with any annoying internet trend, the Elf’s powerful influence has given rise to many an amusing parody. This is like God saying, “Let light shine out of darkness.” Some parents, like Ashley, plainly recognize a void that needs to filled and dutifully oblige. Others don’t oblige at all — and by rejecting the Elf’s mere existence, become unlikely folk heroes for a new generation.
My favorite type of Elf on the Shelf submission is the kind that’s just a picture of an air vent. Imagination is already key to buying into the Elf’s “magic,” but it’s even more inventive to lie to kids and convince them to “imagine” that they have elves hanging out in their walls. Genius.
2. The Elf Is Emotionally Scarring Children
I’m inclined to say that a child’s deeply-rooted fears should be the primary reason to eliminate an Elf from any current or future holiday celebrations, but the truth is, I form a strong hatred for an Elf just by knowing his “family-given” name. Before I even hear about what kind of antics the Elf is up to — be they of the frightening uneven bangs-trimming variety, or of the harmless “purple milk” variety — I’ve got an opinion about little LSU, or Peekaboo unicorn, or "Frisbee." And that opinion is they need to get tossed in an incinerator, each and every one of ‘em. When parents not only post about an Elf’s (mis)adventures, but also call him by a stupid name one wouldn’t give to any human, pet, car, stuffed animal, or designer purse, they’ve officially crossed over to the dark side.
It doesn’t surprise me that Savannah wanted her parents to banish LSU from their home and purge his name from all forthcoming festivities. He has a terrible name (I say this as an alumna of UGA), and he essentially serves as a terrorist for the month of December, as other Elf on the Shelf dolls do, not only in the eyes of innocent children but in the eyes of social media users, as well.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows if you’ve been bad or good
So be good for goodness sake!”
The lyrics to ‘Santa Claus Is Coming To Town’ suddenly seem far more appropriate for the narc-like Elf on the Shelf than they do for Santa. That damn Elf finds his way into adults’ photo streams and little kids’ nightmares for two-dozen long days a year, and no matter how hard parents try to jazz up his presence, he will never be anything but a creepy bum.
3. The Elf “Grew Up”
The most striking Elf on the Shelf trend in 2013 is the number of "inappropriate Elf" pictures being created. While stripper pictures like the above started floating around last year, this year includes a new swath of vices— everything from drugs and partying to sex and violence. The Elf is really making the most of the season! But…as fun as some of the galleries are that are making the rounds online, it strikes me as completely fucked up that the majority of the pictures that involved the Elf and a female doll (usually Barbie, who I think we can all agree is sort of a lady) were sexist and objectifying. Not that there’s no such thing, conceptually, as Stripper Barbie, but the vast collection of stripper/Elf pictures rubbed me the wrong way, so to speak.
And did I mention the mirthful violence? There’s plenty of that, too.
Who doesn’t like a little twisted humor around the holidays, right? Normally I’m all about sickhumor, but in this case, if there was a toy I’d want to see tied up and laying in a shallow grave, it would be the Elf himself, not a victim of his “mischief.” I wrote a column on Mommyish about pictures like this (all found on Instagram and Pinterest), because really, I don’t understand why "drunk Elf on the Shelf" or "pooping Elf on the Shelf" is being passed off as the same type of humor as "serial killermisogynist Elf on the Shelf.” As much as I love serial killers and misogyny, I’m skeptical about pictures like this:
The craziest thing is that after the column went up last week, I received an email from a reader who’d taken a closer look at the above image. Whereas I had simply focused on the head and foreboding sign, she’d noticed something else:
Whoa. Where the hell can the Elf go from here? It’s only December 10th. Anything can happen! There’s plenty of time for at least a half dozen new Elf on the Shelf trends before Christmas, and I’ve got faith that enthusiastic parents will try their hardest to make that happen. Maybe in the next round of viral photos, parents can incorporate a gang rape, or the Elf can be depicted as one of the child murderers from Law & Order: SVU. Whatever it is, it’ll be hilarious. Unless it’s not. Can’t everyone just stop posting Elf on the Shelf pictures and call it a day month?
To read more about why the Elf on the Shelf hates women, check out my column on Mommyish! Some are calling me “the feminist killjoy who ruined Christmas.” Okay, I made that up, but really, check it out!
(submitted by Anonymous)