I’ve made no secret of my burgeoning appreciation for mothers who identify as “Mama Bears,” so it’s high time I devoted an entire post AND a column to all the ursine mamas (and papas, though there aren’t as many on social media) who are out there ripping shit up on the daily. It isn’t easy being a mama bear, constantly sizing up the next person whose limbs you want to tear apart with your razor sharp teeth and your great, big paws, and yet thousands of women take on the role with a visceral fierceness. Their primal instincts raging, mama bears rise from their slumber each and every morning (there’s no hibernating when you’re a MAMA BEAR!), ready to take on the world and defend their babies against a myriad of both real and imaginary threats.
Whether it’s protecting a toddler from a grumpy cafe owner, bullying another child on the playground, or throwing a plate of food on a bride at her wedding, mama bears know that attending to their children’s well-being and survival is always of the utmost importance. Even if that means screaming in a stranger’s face because she parked in a “parent parking” space. Even if it means growling at a fellow department store shopper for literally no reason at all. The mama bear is focussed. She is alert. And she *will* kill you – or write a semi-crazy status update about you on Facebook – if you’re not extremely careful.
Now, let’s get to know some mama bears! GRRRRRRRR.
1. A Mama Mumma Bear’s Mission Statement
I’m guessing that before Jen had kids, she was one of those people who went around saying stuff like, “I’ll be your best friend in the world until you cross me or one of my friends. After that, you’re fuckin’ dead to me.” That’s like the drama queen precursor to the mumma bear mission statement. If it sounds like Jen might be starring in a crime-thriller drama meets National Geographic documentary of her own design, it’s because she probably is.
2. LOUD AND PROUD AND IN CHARGE EXCLAMATION POINTS
If you mess with the bull, you’re gonna get the horns. And if you mess with the mamma bears nest, you better watch out cuz she will fight back!!!!!! I mean, right?? This is like a slogan for a new generation. Amen!!!
Mamma Bear Erica appears to have many redeeming characteristics (spelling not chief among them), but being an effective communicator has to be her strongest trait. Do I believe that Erica is a nest-keeper and CAPS aficionado who loves her kids more than anything? Probably. Do I think that Erica’s version of “fighting back” involves permanent facial scars, shattered glass, busted tires, and light arson? Oh hell yeah.
3. She’ll Eat A Face Off
I don’t mean to turn into my mother at such a young age, but what in the fuck kind of terrible grammar are these women using? “I would have went off on them”; “I would have went absolutely psycho”; “I would of hit the bitch”??? What?? All I ask in this crazy, mixed-up world is that people learn the differences between of/have, to/too, your/you’re, and so forth. These are not hard lessons to learn. If you want to talk shit about people appropriately, then you must do so correctly, as my great-great-great grandmother used to say. But anyway, let’s find out what set Sarah off to the point of communicating in angry red face mama bear emoji math equations.
“I’ll eat a face off when it comes to my babies though.” Damn, Sarah. That’s a powerful statement. Whenever I finally start living the dream and launch my Mama Bear Maternity fashion line, you better believe that “eat a face off” creed will be plastered across t-shirts and sweatpants made exclusively for mama bears, by mama bears. In the meantime, Sarah and her friends all sound like women who have nothing better to do than freak out about a retail employee on Facebook, which, by definition, is a luxury. If Sarah was smart, she would’ve just taken a tip from Grandma Hirst at the Dollar General, who doesn’t make any “face-eating” threats. She just gets even.
This is a real conversation between two grown-ass women on Facebook, but it sounds like they’re at a support group for aggressive mothers who sympathize with each other’s violent urges. I can picture it now: a bunch of women sitting in a circle, clutching stress balls, and saying things like, “I’m a fierce Mama Rhino. You may think I’m a gentle giant, but my lower incisors will stop you dead in your tracks!”, or, “I’m like a Mama Velociraptor. I’ll hunt down anyone who doesn’t wave back at my child in the mall and slice their throat with my sickle claw! JUST TEST ME,” and then all the other women in the circle are like, “I know that’s right, girl. Scratch their eyes out before you eat their face lol. We mamas love to hiss and growl and scratch!!” Maybe these moms just need a meditation practice or something.
5. Woe Is Mama Bear
OMFG it’s like the Department of Public Works employees traipse around town, drilling and jackhammering and making a ruckus whenever and wherever they want, and supposedly “on behalf of the city,” but how is that possible when a huge percentage of the city’s population is NAPPING when they’re working?!? Grrrrr! Hellooo, remember babies, anyone? They nap! And their mama bear mamas don’t appreciate it when their naps are interrupted by random drilling! Grrrr! You’d think that whoever makes the jackhammering schedule would keep sleeping children and their mama bears in mind, but apparently they don’t! SO annoying.
6. Mama Bears Must Punish Dogs For Existing
If you kick a dog in the neck, abuse it, or consider carrying a weapon with the explicit purpose of injuring a dog all in an effort to “protect your babies” when no dog has so much as growled at your child, might I propose that it is YOU who has the problem? This isn’t a “Never mess with a mama bear” thing. This is an asshole thing. Every single one of these women (except for Gold Star M.) sounds like she’s practically trying to earn her Kick a Dog In the Neck Mama Bear Merit Badge so she can brag about what a protective mama she is.
I applaud Gold Star M. for standing up for the dogs despite going up against a maul of mama bears. Not that I think mixing babies and dogs is always a smart idea (though oftentimes it is!), but let’s get something straight: If a dog “happens to bite” a child, it could very well be because the child did something abusive to the dog first. Maybe mama bears should reserve their “instinctual violence” for the people and dogs that actually deserve it. Which is, of course, to say, none of them.
Don’t forget to get to know some more mama bears – including one “momma” who’s had just about enough of the world’sbrutalterrorists, thankyouverymuch – by reading my column over on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)