“Parent-splaining” is the latest craze to sweep the nation the internet, and if you’re reading this post right now, I’m guessing you’ve come across at least one example online. Broken down to its most basic elements, parent-splaining is defined as “parents explaining parenting to their childless friends.” Whether they’re outlining precisely why they can’t hang out with their friends anymore in excruciating detail (“Like sorry dudes MY KIDS ARE ME NOW”) or providing unsolicited lessons in what it’s like to have the most important job in the world, parent-splainers get an enormous amount of attention when their tips and rants go viral. For every enlightened mom or dad who rises to the occasion to “educate” the childless public on the sacrifices and drudgery of having kids, there are thousands of eager parents at the ready to share the parenting real talk with their expansive social networks.
Inexplicably, and yet also predictably, more than 300,000 people on Facebook have ‘Liked’ this week’s essential Huffington Post parent-splaining item, 'Once We Become Parents We Don’t Want to Hang Out With You Anymore (But Not for the Reasons You Think),’ which is in a similar vein as Jason Good’s 2011 post 'To all my friends without children.’, and just on the heels of the latest YouTube sensation, 'Friends Without Kids.’ But those are just a few generic parenting-splaining examples; there’s also the popular “What Stay-At-HomeMomsDo All Day (It’s Way More Than You Think!)” angle, famously sermonized last year by Matt Walsh and more recently by Daddy Fishkins in faddish blog posts that get shared by parents all the time. Basically, if it reads like a fun-loving open letter about parenting that’s tinged with self-satisfaction, a large number of parents will go apeshit for it.
I wrote about this in detail over on Mommyish, where you can also find several examples of parents parent-splainin’ themselves ('cause non-parents just don’t understand). But before you read that rambling novel, below I’ve “curated” a delightful range of pointers, ponderings, and preoccupations parents have about parenthood that absolutely needed to be communicated via Facebook. These things are important!
1. Parents Can’t Do Lunch So Stop Asking
Haha, FREE? For LUNCH? The FUCK is that?! Lololol okay yeah, let’s get “lunch” during my “free time” away from my living, breathing CHILD who is my responsibility at all times, that sounds awesomesauce! I’ll get the chicken sandwich and tomato soup, and you can get whatever it is that stupid, childless bitches eat. What is that, like, lettuce wraps with a side of total ignorance? Yum! HELLO. I’m a MOM NOW.
2. God’s Gifts
Poor friends-of-Terri. They don’t get to hang out with her anymore. :((( They must be feeling such a roller coaster of emotions right now. Both happy for Terri because she has those three incredibly precious girls who are all sweet little angel-gifts from the Lord, but also kind of unhappy because it’s like ever since Terri gave birth, she’s morphed into a preachyExplainer who talks shit on Facebook and doles out passive-aggressive smiley faces like it’s her job. You know what, Terri? You’re the one igniting the drama, so by ALL means keep doing what YOU’RE doing, because it’s actually very amusing and your friends are highly entertained. :)
3. …enough said.
Desi’s not tryna blast anyone out or put her friends' asses on blast or DISOWN THEIR ASSES or anything like that. It is NOT HER INTENTION to hurt anyone’s feelings. She’s just doing the best she can to keep her husband to whom she is MARRIED WITH TWO KIDS in line, and she’s asking EVERYONE for a little courtesy and RESPECT. Desi and Kris are no longer in their young twenties. They are no longer in their mid twenties. They are in their LATE TWENTIES and they are PREOCCUPIED dealing with IMPORTANT responsibilities that MARRIED PEOPLE IN THEIR LATE TWENTIES deal with: Rent, bills, children, and Facebook come 1st! 'Nuff said. Don’t make Desi repeat herself because enough said is enough said. Laterz
4. Mommy Fun > Your Fun
Who else is picturing A. greeting each morning by looking in the mirror and reciting, “Being a mommy does not make me boring!” anywhere from 20 to 50 times? It’s the “We must expand our bust!” for a new generation of women who aren’t afraid to be loud and proud about who they are and what they want out of life. Yes, they ARE mommies, they ARE fierce, and their definition of fun IS way better than yours!! Being a mommy does NOT:
- Make a person boring
- Cause a woman to refer to her husband as “daddy” in the third person on the internet
- Turn a previously cool girl into someone who says things like, “I’m fun. Deal with it. I’m a hardcore Mommy!” on Facebook
Nope! Rather, those things just sometimes happen. Sorry, friends!
5. Partial Lives
Hey bro, sorry if my superior opinion hurt your sensitive “man-feelings,” but kids are the best thing that can happen to a person, and the older a guy gets without being a dad, the sadder and creepier he is. That’s not a judgmental statement. It’s a fact of fucking life. You can grow into a pathetic, childless man, or you can join the rest of the male population and be a responsible, kickass dad who stares at man-babies like you with our kids on our shoulders, whispering into their ears that no one is more depressing than sad sacks of shit over age 30 who don’t have any offspring. Like, dude, you didn’t even accidentally knock up some chick in high school who collects your alimony checks? You don’t have a random 12-year-old out there who gets a birthday card every three years and thinks his dad is a secret agent in the CIA? Do you know what’s worse than being a bad dad? Being NO dad. Nice way to live out your days, man. Enjoy your partial life.
6. Mom’s Gold Star
***…and then the Heavens parted, and Raquel’s sensible poetry resonated throughout the Land…***
Thank you, Raquel, for saying what others don’t, even when you’re going up against a tunnel vision bitch like Rebecca who is probably way too far gone to fully grasp your comment. Hope against hope, odd against odds – especially in this primitive age when communication options run scarce – I choose to believe this utopian parenting lifestyle being described does exist. This is a version of parent-splaining I can get behind. Until, of course, mom and dad bloggers pick up on the practical parenting hook and start writing posts like “Top 10 Interests Parents Should Have Outside Of Parenting (They’re Not What You Think!)” and “To my friends without kids: You were right, I’m an asshole!” Then I’ll just go back to hating everything.
¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Related: Kids In The Community
To read more about the parent-splaining trend, including several bonus pieces of instructional wisdom, head over to Mommyish to read my column!
(submitted by Anonymous)