Last week on Mommyish, I resumed my annual tradition of presenting the latest baby naming trends without comment. I realize that pointing and laughing at parents’ terrible baby name choices is not the most sophisticated form of humor, but like I said last year, since when was this blog sophisticated?? I post pictures of human waste stuck to children’s heads and shuffled beneath their bare feet. I embrace submissions like Brenda and I PREG as though they were my own crazy aunt and delusional cousin. And I hate on mommyjackers just because I can. So what’s stopping me from mocking a few stupid names?!
And yet, every year I wrestle with this post, because I don’t want anyone to think I’m advocating for parents to choose conventional names like John or Sarah. I’m not. I’m simply pointing out that kids today are being given some of the most unnecessarily yoonique, unpronounceable, and embarrassingly awful names that have ever existed. It is part of my continued exploration of the dumbfounding world of modern parenting, and I don’t think reflecting on a crowded chalkboard of ill-conceived baby names qualifies as bullying. It’s more like “satire that writes itself because it’s real life.”
This year’s names selection was particularly tough to narrow down, causing me to ponder the shelf life of all those novelty name keychains available at gas stations and rest stops. Soon, children will be asking their parents why there’s no Bryxxtyn keychain, and their parents will complain to management, and then they’ll file a lawsuit and somehow win $2 million in a settlement for their pain and suffering. And I for one am looking forward to that day! Out with the old, in with the nü.
All that said, here are this year’s best contenders for worst baby names (so far):
1. It Comes From The Future
“Trexton Draze” sounds like the male protagonist in a cheesy romance novel. It’s like the sci-fi-WASP name equivalent of Christian Grey. Not what I’d call “a great choice.” I guess you could shorten the first name to “Trex”? Like Chex meets Trix? Maybe Jennifer and Mike are just really into cereal.
Did I mention that Baby Trex is joining brothers Zayden and Vennex? Of course he is.
2. Semiprecious
First, I want to come to pop star turned “Queen of Christian Pop” Amy Grant’s defense (again), because we’re talking about a person who sang a killer duet with Peter Cetera in 1987. Spelling her name with a conventional “y” is exactly as it should be, and Sasha should show A.G. a little respect.
Next, a fun fact: Did you know the word amethyst "comes from the Ancient Greek ἀ a- (“not”) and μέθυστος methustos (“intoxicated”), a reference to the belief that the stone protected its owner from drunkenness"? Me neither. But something about this meaning strikes me as funny. Maybe because Sasha seems so intent on ensuring that her daughter’s name is “different,” she’s already correcting people on how to spell her nickname (as if it makes any real difference; the two names are identically pronounced). I would think that only a drunk person would bother to interject and slur, “Amie not like Amy as in Amy Grant,” but since she’s pregnant, we can assume this is merely Sasha’s personality.
3. Angel > Angle > Legna
After the unprecedented rise of the name Nevaeh (‘heaven’ spelled backwards), some very wise parents have come to the realization that new words must be spelled backwards in order for their child’s name to be truly yoonique. Enter: Legna! Pronounced “Lay-nuh,” this name (if you can call it that, which I suppose you can since it’s been written on birth certificates) is really no better than Nevaeh. It’s also probably not much worse, but it does not instill a feeling of optimism. After a quick Google search, I found a Yahoo! questions thread that discusses this relatively new non-name name:
“…and would like to keep the theme going.” <– Bad move. Based on the responses to this person’s question, I’m not alone in thinking that naming Nevaeh’s baby sister Legna is a soutrsasid idea of htommam proportions.
Aww. It’s nice when the Voter’s Choice answer is polite, isn’t it? My response would’ve been more like this:
4. Alternate Spellings
I know it’s unlikely, but it IS entirely possible that Leslie gifted Megan this custom bib as a nod to feeling nauseous after seeing how Jaxsin’s name is spelled. I’m not saying that’s what happened, but it could be similar to people deliberately gifting noisy toys to annoying parents. Soon, this pristine bib will covered in food and barf, and that seems rather appropriate. I’m just undecided on one thing – would adding an apostrophe to the end of Jaxsin’ (essentially making it a verb like chillaxin’) further ruin the name or vastly improve it? Call me crazy, but I’m thinking that faux gerunds might be the next big trend in baby names. Consider the possibilities: Jaysin’, Aidin’, Raidin’. Who wouldn’t want to be named Braedin’??
5. Unique SUGGESTIONS
This is one of those submissions that seemed so oddly familiar, I had to check and make sure I hadn’t posted it before. “Jammon Lane,” “Wrydon Walthall,” “Henson Jerel Danger”? Haven’t these names always existed? Didn’t Wrydon invent a piece of farming equipment back in the late 19th century or something? I can’t imagine why Shannon would have a difficult time coming up with a new baby name when she seems to have nailed it three times in the past. That said, I appreciate Maggie’s confidence in her suggestion. Fabian needs no punctuation or explanation. Excellent SUGGESTION.
6. Sound It Out
It took me a minute to crack this code, partly because I can’t imagine naming my kid “Zoe” and opting to spell it “Xoeigh,” and partly because I can only commit .0003 seconds to reading kids’ names these days. Plus, isn’t the appeal of “Zoe” that it makes use of the ever-elusive “z”? What kind of monsters would torture their kid with this kind of impractical spelling? Xoeigh’s parents, apparently. She’ll probably turn saying “Xoeigh like Zoe” into a drinking game by the time she’s in junior high just to get through the day.
7. Ledjendary
A name like “Ledjend” is pretty much the opposite of a triumph. In fact, it’s a hardship. It’s like naming a kid Heroe, or Pulitzar, or Mithologie. When people intentionally misspell real words, are they aware that those words lose all meaning? Not that li'l Ledjend isn’t already a legend in my book – he is – but it’s more for having one of the dumbest names I’ve ever seen/heard than for being an awesome baby.
8. 'Mother Of Dragons Has Very First Blowout’
The line between fantasy and reality gets blurrier and blurrier. It’s one thing to be a fan of Game of Thrones and/or "A Song of Ice and Fire,“ but really, Alicia couldn’t have just made Daenerys the middle name in homage? I find that hard to believe. Unless of course her middle name is Targaryen. Then it would all make perfect sense. Besides, who would refuse being named after the Mother of Dragons?! It’s an honor.
9. A Special Message From Daxtyn
Daxtyn, Zedyk, and Quinlyn are the siblings whose names will inspire countless laughs in teachers’ lounges for years and years to come. Who knows where the butchering of the English language can go from here? Soon, our names will just be emoji symbols, like Prince back when he got in that fight with Warner Bros. in 1993. Until then, parents will continue to move the Name Revolution forward by dumping out bags of Scrabble tiles and rearranging them while blindfolded to determine their children’s names. Think about it: Should parents really be choosing their children’s names for them, or should those names have the freedom to choose themselves???
Related: More Crazy Baby Names
For even more ridiculously yoonique and totally amazeballs baby names, check out my column on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)