Our story begins back in 2011 when a submitter started sending me random pictures of sandwiches. Sean’s sandwiches, to be exact, which were being delivered to the world via his mom Laurie’s Facebook page. Over the course of several emails, I got to know a wide variety of sandwiches in young Sean’s diet — of his own design — and boy, did they look tasty.
Every day, for god knows how long, Sean made himself a new type of sandwich inspired by both the culinary arts and his limited understanding of "foods" and “cuisines.” And every day, Laurie posted a picture of Sean’s sandwich du jour (aka his ‘SOD’, or ‘sandwich of the day’) on Facebook for her friends to see (and imagine eating / fear). A chef needs to start somewhere, and for Sean, his entryway into the food industry involved two slices of bread and a tiny amount whole lot of imagination. Also, several jars of peanut butter, as most dreams require.
I can only assume that by now, three years later, Sean is packing himself gourmet sack lunches filled with delicacies like Cajun turkey and aged cheddar roll-ups and homemade pop tarts with artisanal dipping sauces, but for today, thanks to Laurie’s unwavering dedication, let’s take a glimpse at the origin of Sean’s foodie journey. As was the case with Brenda, Mindy, and the ridiculous parent protests covered thus far on the blog, this post isn’t about scorning a parent for offensive wrongdoing so much as peering into a world of deep obsession. Laurie may be considerably saner than the parents who freaked out about the shortage of “Frozen” merchandise or the woman who lost her shit over her kid’s birthday party hat, but her decision to post literally dozens of photos of Sean’s mildly disgusting yet totally banal sandwiches (which are a far cry from Scanwiches, mind you) is a real testament to her intestinal fortitude.
Prepare to have your tummy rumbled.
Something you’ll quickly come to learn is that Sean is a big fan of mixing breakfast with lunch, in sandwich form. Cool concept, except clearly no one has schooled Sean on the joys of a breakfast burrito or any other kind of proper brunch item. Forget about getting creative and using pancakes in place of traditional bread. Sean’s sandwich scope is so restricted, he just winds up with peanut butter, jelly, and “rabbit food.”
Fiber One® Original aside, this particular photo was posted during a brief window of sincere amusement in the process of building the official ‘Sean’s sandwiches’ gallery. At this stage, Laurie’s friends are still along for the ride and happy to contribute funny quips. But by the time Laurie posted the sandwich in the next example, her friends had grown impatient and repulsed.
"Stay tuned" is the kind of thing you say to people who aren’t throwing up in their mouths in response your son’s latest inedible creation. I’m not sure you could pay any of these people to take a bite out of this peanut butter and scrambled egg sandwich, but I can tell you FOR SURE that it needs hot sauce. (And I suppose some cheese, like Emily suggested, but at the same time that sounds disgusting.)
Can you guys even handle what Sean made for himself on his birthday?
This is possibly the only sandwich that makes sense to me. Kids love peanut butter. Everyone loves bacon. Sandwiches rule. Slap ‘em all together and you’ve got yourself one hell of a birthday lunch. Good going, Sean. This is what age maturity looks like.
Or is it?
Okay, Laurie, are you fucking kidding me with that caption? It’s January 31st, you’ve been posting pictures of sandwiches for DAYS, and you still think you need to explain — on February 3rd, in response to no one— just how this whole specialty sandwich game works? No. Everyone gets it by now, and sure, I wouldn’t call the above sandwich “boring,” but that’s only because the first 500 words that come to mind are synonymous with “texturally vile” and “visually terrifying.” Couldn’t “Daddy” have suggested something that might actually taste good, like adding honey? Or grilling it? There are so many ways to enhance and otherwise not ruin a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, but it appears Sean insisted on ignoring all of them.
And yet…I guess that flair of disgust is exactly what sets Sean’s sandwiches apart. He’s an artiste, a sandwich crafter, and he’s stretching to do something new each day. The bread is his canvas, and on January 31st, those noodles were his muse.
Like Laurie said, this one also almost makes sense. It KIND OF makes sense. I mean, if I was heavily intoxicated and had a choice between eating this sandwich OR one of those sad-looking hot dogs that’s been cooking for multiple days in a gas station, I might eat the sandwich. But seriously, does Laurie have ANYTHING ELSE in her kitchen other than bread, peanut butter, jelly, bacon, pasta, and eggs?!! I know these sandwiches are like the PB&J equivalent of a children’s menu at a family friendlychain restaurant, but I’m starting to get a little suspicious. The question must be asked: Is Laurie forcing Sean to eat these disgusting sandwiches?! Whose idea are they really?
Oh Laurie don’t flatter yourself. No one thinks it’s child abuse that your kid is eating the grossest sandwiches this side of the Mississippi for lunch every day; people just kinda wonder why you’re so fixated on them. And when you’re going to hit up the grocery store, because a little variety never hurt anyone.
Well, Emily got that cheese she was craving. I, on the other hand, feel like barfing into an old sock. Normally I’m a fan of cheese, particularly with my eggs, but the addition of cheese flavor might be even grosser than the pasta texture in that other submission. I don’t want to know what a PB&J with cheese and pasta would be like, but thankfully, we’ll probably never find out. I think we can assume Sean has better taste than that.
This is where I feel like Sean started to cross over into the Dark Side of sandwich-making. Two spoonfuls of SpongeBob Squarepants cheesy pasta atop a generous smear of jelly? With “a side of mac and cheese”? This is starting to make me yearn for those obnoxious parents who brag about sushi being their kid’s favorite food. Not that I think it would be even remotely responsible to introduce Sean to sushi at this stage of his sandwich-making pursuits. I don’t think I could handle anything weirder than pasta at this point.
"This was not one of his favorite sandwiches." NO SHIT, IT’S A QUARTER CUP OF COUSCOUS DISTRIBUTED ATOP A PIECE OF JELLY BREAD. And John, I’m pretty sure you answered your own question there, buddy, because couscous is at the bottom of the sandwich ingredients barrel. Here’s what I’ve been led to believe solely exists in Laurie’s refrigerator and pantry:
- an endless supply of bread
- enough peanut butter to feed a small country
- so much jelly you would not even fucking believe it
- a hen that lays an average of a dozen eggs per day
- Fiber One® Original, for crunch
- parmesan flavor couscous (for sandwiches)
- bacon, because duh
Seriously, Laurie, when are you going to expand your son’s sandwich horizon and do a little Googling? A basic “how to make good sandwiches that don’t cause nausea” search would do wonders for Sean’s upcoming lunches, not to mention bring some much-needed vitality to this repetitive photo gallery that gets grosser by the day. I know you can come up with some ideas if you just try.
Oh good god.
Andrew, with all due respect, that must be because you and your friends have tedious jobs. I can appreciate killing an afternoon on Twitter to make fun of the woman who vowed to make her boyfriend 300 sandwiches, but if I’m not looking at straight up food porn (i.e. good-tasting sandwiches), OR something monumentally awesome that 99% of kids can’t make, then I’m good on hearing about Sean’s PB&J sandwich variations.
Of course, now that I’m saying this, Sean will probably score a huge book deal. Hopefully he’s up to the challenge and is willing to try some new recipes (it has been three years, after all). According to the final three sandwich images in today’s journey, Sean is well on his way to exploring new territory:
Maybe Sean should open the Sean’s Stoner Café, where patrons can choose how to customize their PB&J sandwiches with a variety of delicious and “nutritious” buffet-style options. Cheetos are an obvious, yet bold, choice. It’s the perfect post-blunt treat.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “…and for dessert?” Sean’s got you covered.
Thanks for specificity, Laurie! I wasn’t totally sure if that corn was off the cob or if it was frozen (with Sean, you never know!), but either way I’m sure it made a splendid dessert course with the strawberries, Nutella, and Sean’s signature whole wheat bread.
But don’t go thinking Sean doesn’t have other, grander plans for strawberries. Strawberries and Nutella are “fine,” but that combination is a little too conventional for a guy like Sean. A little too pedestrian. When you’re eating a Sean’s Sandwich, you’ll know by the unpredictable flavor profiles.
I can’t make heads or tails of this strawberry shrimp peanut butter sandwich, but thanks for all the sandwich memories, Laurie. I was going to say that I really, truly hope that you’ve encouraged Sean to break out of his peanut butter period — as creamy as it’s been — or at least started buying some new stuff at the store — but then I heard back from the submitter on the status of the ‘Sean’s sandwiches’ gallery. Here is what she said:
The most recent one was February of this year. There are 74 sandwiches in total.
Then she added:
This is the SOD (sandwich of the day) artist himself. His latest creation is seen below. Banana in a tortilla.
Attached was the following image:
I….don’t even know what to say. It’s been three years, and we’re at “banana wrapped in a tortilla”? Unspeakable euphemisms aside, this news is disappointing. Maybe Laurie should get Sean a Vitamix so he can tighten his smoothie game or something. Although to be honest, I don’t think I’d want to know what he would put in them.
And now, at long last, a Sean’s Sandwiches Retrospective. It looks like we missed some Ritz crackers (good choice), raisins (nope), and the Sean’s Stoner Café famed apple slices ‘n jelly sandwich, but hey, at least the kid like to cook, right? Laurie’s daily documentation has proven that much (and more).
(submitted by Anonymous)
**Update**
How could I forget to include one of Sean’s greatest creations? WHO WOULDN’T WANT TO EAT THIS??
If you’ve deduced that that’s jelly and tomato sauce, you are correct!
I’ve never heard anyone use “creative” as a euphemism for “revolting.” If Catherine is implying a sly sandwich insult with that comment, I tip my hat to her.
BAM!
