Hayyyy, remember how I said I was working on an “investigative” piece of hard-hitting “journalism” for the blog? Well, I still am. Among other things. Last week kind of flew by? In the meantime, let’s talk briefly about April Fool’s Day — a day that proves some people are really, really bad at coming up with pranks. This year, I’m featuring two of those people. These are their stories. Dun dun.
In the past, I’ve used April Fool’s Day as an excuse to post disgusting pictures, as well as other weirdthings, but for the most part I’d say it’s a pretty “quiet” holiday around these parts. I tend to obsess over holiday posts, and April Fool’s Day content always kind of lets me down. Which is why it’s so apropos that this year’s content is especially, tragically lame.
First, I should say that in addition to the following submissions, I did actually spend a significant amount of time — WAY too much time, in fact — considering the nature of April Fool’s Day jokes in a column I wrote for Mommyish. The column centered around a poster that made the rounds on Facebook and basically indicts women who joke about being (fake) pregnant on April 1st, which, some might say, is the oldest joke in the book and therefore: 1. dated/boring, 2. traditional/harmless, or, if you’re a fan of this poster, 3. insensitive/hurtful/the opposite of “brilliantly hilarious.”
I couldn’t believe so many people responded to my query about this poster on the STFUP Facebook page, but the conversation there is worth checking out, especially if you have a large bottle of absinthe in hand.
Because of that goddamn poster, I spent this April Fool’s Day contemplating some serious shit, and for that reason alone, I can’t endorse the campaign. April 1st is the one day a year that people — even news organizations — are supposed to take it light ‘n easy, and this year, it got hijacked by some justifiably emotional women who turned the holiday into a rather damning occasion. At the end of the day (literally), my feelings on the subject were kinda…
Anyway, if you want to read that column, which is interesting in that “where we are as an internet society” way, check it out right here!
Now, onto this year’s winners for Weakest April Fool’s Day Jokes, which is sort of a Darwin Awards-esque honor that is being shared by two women named Rachel. I’m not proud of mocking the Rachels, partly because this post is a week late and partly because it’s a bit like picking on people who are smaller (i.e. nicer) than I am. Granted, I’m undoubtedly the smaller-minded person here, but in terms of joke-telling, these ladies are truly the gold standard of boring humor on April Fool’s Day. The takeaway is this: Don’t pull a “prank” on April 1st if the topic is so mundane and the outcome so irrelevant that no one in your social network gives a shit.
Let’s start with Rachel.
Rachel’s twin babies aren’t sleeping through the night yet — something she’s mentioned once or twice (or 50 times) on Facebook — so she ingeniously hatched this wacky status update prank on April Fool’s Day:
Ahhhhhckkkghhhfff. That sound you hear is my insides cringing. Rachel’s woe-is-mom version of an April Fool’s Day prank is worse than a corny dad joke about the weather. I’m kind of glad the submitter cut the submission after Rachel’s ridiculous “confession” (ohhh, how difficult it must’ve been to keep the truth a secret for three whole hours!!!), although I have a feeling Erica’s next comment was probably something classic like, “Haha, u actually were joking? Worst joke I’ve seen 2day.”
When your world has gotten so small that you’re “pranking” your Facebook friends about your children’s sleep intervals, it’s time to do something drastic to re-instill your sense of humor. Unless, of course, you didn’t have the greatest sense of humor to begin with. Some people don’t need to lose days of sleep for months on end to confuse a joke that’s genuinely funny with one that’s totally lame.
Meet Rachel:
On April Fool’s Day, Rachel posted this picture to let her friends know that she and her husband are having a baby boy. But little did her friends know, she was actually playing a super sneaky trick that would turn the average April Fool’s Day pregnancy joke flat on its predictable ass!!!!
On April 2nd, Rachel posted this:
Derr… what? In the words of the submitter: ”So I saw this on AprilFool’s Day and wasn’t sure if I should take it too seriously, but she re-updated today, and most of the first announcement was legit, except they are having a girl instead of a boy. See that’s the funny part, instead of pink sunglasses, they had a mustache on the hunk of bread meant to symbolize their future child! Isn’t that silly?” Yeahhhhhhh.
Other notably “wild” things Rachel 2 has done:
— Eaten peanut butter out of the jar at 3am
— Rapped the words to "Tootsie Roll" at a karaoke bar while completely sober
— Held hands with a ghost (okay, okay, it was on Halloween!)
— Went up the down escalator in the mall…twice
She’s fucking crazy, y’all.
Ugh. Seriously, I had no idea April Fool’s Day could let me down so much. Next year, maybe we’ll all just go back to rickrolling each other. Ahh…the halcyon days of 2007.
For more thoughts on April Fool’s Day, check out my column on Mommyish!
(submitted by Anonymous)