Balloons, a party hat, sunglasses, and a half-born baby?? Y’ALL KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!! This witty bitty baby blog will be heading off to KINDERGARTEN soon. According to most preschools in 2014, that means the blog is also about to “graduate” for the first time! It’s almost too much for this fierce mama bear to handle. Then again, it could be the baby that’s covered in blood and being lovingly yanked from his surgically sliced mother that’s causing me to have heart palpitations. It is a pretty gory scene. And yet, it’s worth noting that despite the dramatics of birth, this baby still looks super chill. He’s basically like, “Okay guys, I was catching a little shut-eye, but I guess if you must pull me from the depths of my mother’s womb, I could go for some nachos and chili fries after getting weighed and stuff.”
Holly comes in with the only practical response to a “surprise” close-up of a friend’s C-section on Facebook. “wow that certainly is something” might actually be THE most subdued way of saying, “What the fuck were you thinking?!?” that I’ve ever heard. Maybe Holly’s just the type of person who knows exactly what to say in every situation, sensibly trading outright insults for matter-of-fact observations. Instead of “ew,” Holly says “ah.”
I sure wonder what she had to say when she got to this picture:
WOW THAT CERTAINLY IS SOMETHING UGHHGHSGDGAKASFDLSKSGFUGHH
I wish I could say I’m surprised that Natalie included this picture in her C-section Shop Of Horrors photo album, but we all know a close-up of a C-section and a close-up of a placenta go together like Vadgesty Foxi Maiden and Vagena Tamphen Pohtaytar. How could she NOT take a picture of her MAHOOSIVE placenta and post it on Facebook? It’s not only a source of life, but of PRIDE!
You gotta love any nation whose go-to expression is “bloody hell,” especially when it’s uttered in response to a picture of an actual sac of blood. Also, my conditioning to the word "whopper" automatically conjures up an image of a thick ‘n meaty placenta stuffed between two pieces of bread, which then takes me way back to April 2009, when I learned that such things even exist. Oh, the places we’ve been!
And speaking of delectable delights, it occurred to me recently that I never posted any pictures from the "STFU, Parents"book party, which took place nearly a year ago. How could I have deprived you guys (the ones who weren’t there, I mean), of this precious bundle of joy*, prepared with love by the awesome Lauri from Cake Alchemy?
Looks tasty, right? When I first saw this cake, which was larger than life-sized, I nearly cried with joy. It sat perched on display for the first hour of the party, and everyone in the audience had these looks on their faces like they were considering how one might cut up and serve such a tantalizing-yet-funereal-looking dessert. I really felt like this was closest I’ll ever get to experiencing the creepiness of the armadillo cake in “Steel Magnolias.” It might’ve even been better, because this one came with a red velvet inside AND we didn’t start cutting from the sides or the butt. We cut from the head, of course.
Between this and Chris Mohney’s detailed and uplifting tale about getting a vasectomy, it was truly a night to remember. I really appreciate everyone who came out (there are more photos on the Facebook page), and in honor of the fifth anniversary of the blog, I’m giving away 5 copies of the book to you wonderful blog readers. I’ll pick five comments at random and then walk my lazy ass to the post office because that’s how grateful I am to everyone who still reads the blog after five traumatizing years.
You don’t have to do anything special to win, but if you want, I’d love to hear what some of your favorite (“favorite”) posts have been over the years. Also, don’t forget to Like the Facebook page and follow STFUParents on Twitter and Instagram, because I post all kinds of stuff there, too, and there’s a lot of discussion and debate. After half a decade of posts, it almost seems like there are even MORE reasons for this blog to exist, and I appreciate all the submissions that continue to flow into my inbox like a never-endingstream of vomit and diarrhea. What can I say? This is emotional. Let’s bring it in for a hug, you guys.
Last but not least, I never posted an End of Year recap for 2013, which was lighter on posts than other years, so here’s a list of the Top 15 posts from last year for anyone who wants to (re)visit the cream of the crop.
15. Parents Behaving Badly: How (Not) To Act In Public
14. Tease & Reveal: Lunch Edition
13. Current Events: How NOT To Talk About The Boston Bombings
12. Birth Junkies & Sanctimamas Have Some Things To Say
11. Deathjacking Is Killing Me
10. Acknowledge My Baby, Part II
9. Mom’s Gold Star Round-Up: Back-To-School Edition
7. Sunday Special: London Restaurant Doesn’t “Accommodate” Diner’s Son
6. Questionable Parenting: Nakedness Edition
5. STFUP Fables: The Apple That Turned Into a Tattoo
4. Baby Name Drama For Your Mama
3. Yoonique Baby Names: 2013 Edition
2. Mommyjacking “The Childfree Life”
1. Newborn Visitation Rules and The Descent Into Sancti-Madness
And here are a few columns from Mommyish that you may have missed, because I never linked to them here:
Parents Who Lecture Their Childless Friends
Moms Who Leak Too Much Information About Their Incontinence
How Parents Talk About Vaccines On Facebook
Thanks for helping me celebrate the blog’s birthday! I’ll announce the book winners next Friday, March 28. If you don’t really *want* a copy of the book (that you could easily give to a friend, donate to a library, or burn in a rusty garbage can), just stipulate that in your comment. And if you’ve already read (and hopefully enjoyed) the book, don’t forget to add a review on Amazon! It brings meaning to my poop- and placenta-filled life.
Let’s hear it for birthdays!
Related: STFUP Turns 3 and STFUP Turns 4
Also related: End of Year Listicles from 2009, 2010, 2011, and 2012
Buy the "STFU, Parents" book!
*photos by Lauren Thompson, party props to Forced Meme Productions, Tumblr, Housing Works NYC, and Cake Alchemy
(submitted by Anonymous)