Valentine’s Day 2014
Ladies and gents, it’s that special time of year again. Love is in the air, and I’ve never caught a whiff of something so sweet. So…oddly fragrant. Er, wait a second — is that…bacon?
OHHHH RIIIGHHHHTTTT IT’S THE UMBILICAL CORD, OF COURSE IT IS. Casey wins the award for best suggested use of a flattened, glistening, and what appears to be lightly torched heart-shaped umbilical cord with her idea for the best “surprise bookmark” EVAR. Who wouldn’t want that candy-coated blood-soaked, jerky-smooth piece of birth memorabilia to come sliding out from between the pages of what’s sure to be a frighteningly comprehensive baby book? Just imagine yourself surrounded by placenta prints in Rachel’s living room, haphazardly flipping through her baby tome, and then discovering this meaty curio after it swiftly falls into your lap.
What’s super fun about ‘birth heart art’ (a burgeoning underground mom-art scene) is that it has so many artistic interpretations. To help celebrate Valentine’s Day, I’ve put together a display of these fine works. A small gallery show, if you will. Unfortunately, none of these pieces are currently for sale. They’re just for admiring.
Heart Cords
Ahh, curly cord keepsake, you temptress! New mothers are increasingly embracing that instinctual, maternal urge to twist their baby’s umbilical cord into a heart shape, and really, who can blame them? These one-of-a-kind keepsakes make excellent keychains, Christmas ornaments, and — in my novice opinion — bases for DIY dreamcatchers (just add string + feathers!!). Bonus: They fall on the “Beginner” scale on the Pinterest Moms Difficulty Spectrum. They’re like lanyards for the parent set!
Placenta Heart Cord
Mmmm, break me off a piece of that. I’m absolutely shocked that this example of primitive art (arranged in the Classic style) has only received 1 Like. The only explanation that makes sense is that everyone else is just J-E-A-L-O-U-S. Haters to the left! Meat lovers and temporary organ enthusiasts to the kitchen.
Heart-Shaped Placenta
I don’t know who’s responsible for this birth masterpiece (birthsterpiece?) — God? Cupid? Some sort of cosmic force? — but a heart-shaped placenta is a bloody beautiful thing. (Remember this hunk of burning love from last year?) Also, doesn’t it kind of look like someone took a meat-tenderizer to this bad boy? All it needs now is a thin egg coating, a quick dip in some breadcrumbs, and a flash fry!
You said it, Grace. Way 2 awesome not 2 share.
Placenta Heart Cord In a Colander
And now for the pièce de résistance of today’s birth heart art exhibit. It’s a mixed media presentation that expresses the literal rawness of fresh human expulsion in an industrial setting as contrasted by the reciprocal beauty of Mother Nature. And as is everything in nature, this placenta will be harvested, recycled, and consumed, much like eating your own composted waste. The carbon footprint will be deliciously insignificant. Simone and her doula are in for one heck of a night.
I’m with you, Patricia. And I do love you for saying that. Danielle and Paige: Your enthusiasm is an echo chamber nightmare, but technically you two match the niche demographic that might actually attend and enjoy a real life birth heart art show. So… I guess this Valentine’s Day post is for you? Happy Day, ladies. Heck yes.
(submitted by Anonymous)