The lead-up to Christmas is almost as much a cause for celebration as the big day itself. People begin casting “Christmas” and “Santa” as central characters in their Facebook updates as early as mid-November, and by the end of December, you better believe they’re keeping the holidays top-of-mind when they’re posting online (with or without an Elf on the Shelf obsession). Let’s check out some of the ways Christmas made an appearance in this year’s pre-December 25th submissions:
1. Mid-Labor Wish List
One of the best things about the myth of Santa is the way Santa’s got everything covered. Anything you want, Santa’s got. A particular toy, a gold watch, perhaps a mid-labor epidural— they’re all within Santa’s reach. Naturally, it makes sense for Lisa to take a minute out from laboring to make her request formally known on Facebook. Back in the day, a pregnant woman had to hand-write letters to Santa weeks in advance to request an epidural, but in 2013 she can just send a quick status update using her cell phone from a hospital bed. Technology + Santa makes epidural wishes come true.
2. Holiday Grandmajacking
Okay, here’s the thing: It’s great when grandparents are excited about their grandkids, especially when a new baby is going to be born “any day!” However, I can’t count the number of times I’ve seen this exact type of grandmajacking, and honestly, enough is enough. We get it, Lorie, you’ve been blessed with four grandchildren and can’t help sharing your excitement. But, how about waiting until the little guy has actually arrived to start grandmajacking everyone you know? “A tactful grandmajacker must exercise patience.” That’s an old Chinese proverb.
UPDATE! This submission has since come in:
Give it a rest, grandmas.
3. Festive Mama Drama
Daaaaamn, Santa better update his naughty or nice list, ’cause Vanessa’s about to score a stocking full of coal. Lauren really should mind her own business, considering Gabby’s biological father is a piece of shit and a sorry excuse for a dad, but Vanessa might want to learn this neat little trick called “deleting a friend’s comment off your page and messaging her privately about why her comment sucked.” Otherwise a Facebook brawl might break out, and no one needs that shit around Christmas.
4. Prepping For Santa
What’s worst worse, being “passed out” or “past out”? I’m not even sure what being ‘past out’ is, but I’m guessing it’s when you stay up looking through old photos and get unexpectedly sentimental and basically overdose on reminiscing about the past, possibly after drinking too much wine. That to me sounds worse than being customarily ‘passed out’, UNLESS you were supposed to put together a 100-pound Thomas table and train set before passing out and a little boy’s Christmas joy hangs in the balance. If those were the options, I think I’d choose to be past out instead.
5. Sanctimommy Drive-Thru Rant
Red doesn’t yell at all the able-bodied, childless fuckfaces who sit on their lazy asses in their carbon-spewing cars in drive-thru lines because she’s a woman of Christ and she’s gotta show the love of Jesus. BUT, if Red wasn’t the good Christian woman that she is, she would be PLENTY happy to give all the selfish, well-rested, non-handicapped, kid-free douchecanoes a real piece of her mind. As it happens, Jesus wouldn’t have done that, so Red doesn’t do it either.
Alas, the society in which we live is so full of arrogant people willing to sit in drive-thru lines without having any disabilities or small children to tend to — as though that’s even remotely logical or acceptable — that Red’s faith gets tested literally every time she gets a hankering for a quarter-pounder with cheese. Especially on a day like Christmas Eve! Lol! It’s a good thing she avoids fast food restaurants. :) End Rant!
(submitted by Anonymous)