Why, hello there, everyone. Might I offer you the opposite of a snack or something to drink? Perhaps you’d care for a jug of bleach for your eyes, or a large paper bag for your barf? It’s time to put down that bag of mini-Snickers, because we’re just a few days from Halloween, and Fright Fest is getting even realer. It’s officially the (work) week of Halloween, and y’all should know by now that this year, homey ain’t playin’.
For instance, why post one or twovomitpics when I could post a whole round-up? Narrowing down “the best” examples was already difficult enough, so I said to myself, “Self, don’t deprive these good people of what they deserve — a VIP pass to the Vomit Emporium.” (I also posted a query on Twitter, to which a few enthusiastic people responded, "Round-up!!!", while everyone else following STFUP silently reflected on my idiocy.) So without keeping you in suspense any longer, let’s take a look at what you’ll find at the Upchuck Pavilion aka the Barf Bazaar aka the Vomit Emporium, showcasing the finest in emetic curiosities.
1. Bonding
Until now, we’ve only been fortunate enough to see pictures of baby barf on a person’s clothes, but today, FINALLY, we get to check it out dripping down the side of a grown person’s face and covering one very lucky uncle’s (closed!) mouth. Very au naturel. Mary’s brother is truly a sad clown. It’s hard to understand why, though, considering he’s getting a coveted Baby Facial made almost entirely of liquidgold. His expression looks a little ungrateful to me.
2. Reflux
Haha, how many of us have been caught on camera mid-throw up? I know for me personally, I’m always like, “Someone hurry and grab a camera, ‘cause I’m gonna puke!” but it never, ever works out. And don’t even get me started on attempting to capture the hilarity of someone else puking. Aarrgh! It’s not as easy as it sounds!
That’s why a picture like this, of Kimmi’s baby’s reflux, is so darn impressive:
Whoaaa there, demon baby! Is that a fountain of vomit or are you just happy to see me? Heh. Just a little hork humor for those of you familiar with baby spit-up. Is she a cutie patootie or what??
3. Bath Love
Thanks, Sara, for distracting me away from Olivia’s chin puke to focusing instead on Ella’s “little squirt poops” in the bath. I was thinking that nothing could be grosser than a possessed child with oatmeal-like barf caking her jaw, but now I’m reminded that of course there’s grosser stuff, like diarrhea bath water!
4. Photo Needs
Ugh, I can’t tell if I’m more grossed out by the barf explosion that’s still happeningor the terrible mix of fabric patterns. Either way, this picture features the kind of cryptic caption that almost sounds fake, but isn’t. Have we really become such an entitled people that we’re capable of posting close-up pictures of chunky barf falling from the mouths of babes with explanatory captions like, “Sorry. I need the photo.”? Get a grip, Polka Dot Mom. Get. A. Fucking. Grip., and find another way to save gross images without sharing them with your entire online network.
5. Resting Places
I feel like I need one of those Inception-style rage comics to illustrate my hatred for the words “Oh mama.” Of all the poop pics, placentas, and Vomit Emporiums on this blog, nothing can stack up to the measure of repugnance I feel toward expressions like "Mama bear,"“You go, mama!”, and "Don’t mess with this mama!" They make my ears bleed and my stomach quiver. But thankfully, unlike Black’s baby, I can resist the urge to projectile puke everywhere when I’m displeased.
In the words of Instagram users, this picture has #nofilter. I added the headstone and turned it into a GIF, but the actual photo is 100% as is, no filter needed. The barf is every bit as vibrant, textured, and contrasting with the yoga pants as this “mama” photographer would have you believe. The stomach contents of her child: emptied. The stains on her yoga pants: enhanced. And thus, the cycle of laundry continues.
(submitted by Anonymous)