One of the most important aspects of any birthday — but especially a child’s birthday — is the party. No matter how old a kid is turning, a party is an opportunity for parents (and everyone they know) to shower the kid with love and affection gifts for being born.
Of course, there are rules that accompany such events. As we’ve learned in the past, it’s important to keep the drama at home, cus if anyone fucks up a little kid’s birthday his or her parent(s) will happily kick your ass. It’s also important to buy exactly what is requested for a child, whether for a birthday or another holiday, because otherwise you could wind up with two Pillow Pets or DVD duplicates or some other horrendous gift situation. As a party guest, you’ll want to err on the side of caution while spending as much money as humanly possible. Whatever pleases the parents will likely please the child, because then the parent(s) won’t have a huge tantrum in front of dozens of friends and relatives. Honestly, birthday parties are fun and all, but they’re A LOT of work for the thousands of parents who insist on making them a bigger deal than is necessary. You guys have no idea how stressful it can be obsessing over tiny details that no one but you cares about or will remember. It’s HARD.
So with that rundown in mind, let’s check out some examples of how parents have chosen to publicize their child’s birthday on social media. Everyone get your kazoos ready, because these parties are going to totally ROCK!
1. Aubreypalooza
Are you guys ready for the most cacophonous music festival this side of Coachella? Break out your psychedelic glasses, Birkenstocks, and Dora the Explorer-stickered drum kits, because Aubreypalooza’s about to take a local ampitheatre amphitheater by storm! You thought seeing The Wiggles live in concert was fun? Try watching a bunch of adults sustain two hours of alcohol-free Aubreypalooza! Bring your didgeridoos and a box of goldfish crackers for an afternoon of smiles, songs, and cash hand-offs. The smiles and songs are free; the cash comes from your bank account. (PS: Don’t forget to RSVP! Strollers are welcome.)
2. Advantages
Okay, duderinos and dudettes! Who’s coming to Mason’s second birthday party in 8 months??? Who’s taking The Mason Challenge? All you have to do is commit to attending an event for a toddler eight months in advance and send along your FULL address (no halfsies!). Anything less than 100% dedication will not be approved for this bash.
Not to get anyone too excited or anything, but rumor has it there will be both cake and ice cream AND at least 13 shrieking children drooling everywhere AND blue and orange streamers for decoration. So whatever you were planning to do eight months from now — cancel it. And if you think you’re going to have to work that day, request off! Now is your chance!
3. People are annoying.
At first when I read Jolynn’s update I was like, “Girl, don’t be telling people what to buy for your kid’s birthday!”, but then I read Amanda’s comment, and now I’m just sickened by all of society. Can’t we go back to the olden days, when a child’s obsession with New Kids On the Block didn’t result in being TOLD what to buy her for her birthday, and when people like Amanda didn’t broadcast their worship schedules with cheerful exclamation points that make me want to break several Commandments? Oh, the humanity.
4. DUMMIES
HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, HOW MANY TIMES DOES JANNIELLE HAVE TO TELL YOU THAT UR THOUGHTS R GARBAGE? U DON’T GET 2 HAVE A SAY IN WTF SHE WANTS FOR HER SON ON HIS BDAY, SO IF U DON’T MIND, PLEASE DO JANNIELLE THE GREAT SERVICE OF HOPPING OFF HER VA JAY JAY!!! SCOOT RIGHT ALONG COS SHE HAS A PARTY TO PLAN…DUMMIES
5. Mama Bear In Your Face
Anne doesn’t formally win a Gold Star here, but her “try to get a nap ok?” comment may be the best comment in all of Facebook history. She’s like a therapist talking down a suicidal patient. Tenderly, but firmly, she tries to get across the very simple point that Amy is acting like a psychotic asshole who needs to relax. Well done, Anne.
As for Amy, she’s probably right about two things: 1. Drama doesn’t belong at a child’s birthday party, and 2. No one wants Amy’s mama bear claws scratching up their face. I’m guessing she’s more terrifying than a pageant mom when it comes to “defending” her daughter against “drama,” and she’s just a few candy bars away from letting that angry energy take over in full force. You thought TNT knows drama? Try Amy after overhearing one of her party guests talking shit. If you’ve never seen a grown woman’s clothes get shred by a mama bear’s teeth in under five seconds, well, you’re in for a show.
6. Golden Birthday Celebrationsssss
The funny thing about golden birthdays is that so many of us have our golden birthday at a young age. I didn’t have mine until I turned 30, but as statistics would have it, thousands and thousands of people experience theirs as early as age 1. This fun fact lends itself well to the above doublejacking of Lily’s Birthday Celebration, which I can only hope devolved into a series of comments like, “And Xyann’s golden birthday on the 8th of March 2015!” and, “Don’t forget about Eighden’s double golden birthday on the 6th! He was born on the 3rd but he’s turning 6! 3 x 2 is 6! Double golden birthday!!”
7. No Worries At All
Usually, if someone buys a gift “with interest,” it means “with an interest in purchasing a gift that someone will enjoy.” But in this case it means “with a penalty.” Ha ha ha, Jessie’s so funny. :)
In case anyone was wondering, baby Jemma turned one year old, and I’m guesstimating .001% of Jessi’s friends who couldn’t make the party bought double the gifts. That’s a generous guesstimate, though, considering 0% of people really cared. I’m sure Jessi knew that when she wrote her sarcastic update, but these days, does anyone really “joke” about their baby’s birthday party on Facebook?
(submitted by Anonymous)